Posts in category "Thoughts"

Gauge

Self-improve­ment has been a goal I set for myself for as long as I remem­ber, a sort of nev­er-end­ing quest that I hope to find ful­fill­ment in. It makes me hap­py to know that I have peo­ple to look up to, peo­ple my age whom I know. Being able to real­ize that even these peo­ple are human has helped me set more real­is­tic goals for myself, instead of some quixot­ic ideals I could nev­er hope to accom­plish. Not every­one is the same, of course, and while I may look up to one per­son for their morals, I may look up to some­one else for their con­fi­dence.

However, I judge how well I’m doing in my goals by com­par­ing myself to peo­ple with per­son­al­i­ties I can’t stand. I try to be as san­guine as pos­si­ble, sim­ply because I know some­one who brings down every­one he hangs around with. I try to be open to oth­er peo­ples opin­ions due to the fact that I know some­one who refus­es to accept any­thing but his own con­clu­sions, as open-mind­ed as those are. I try to have fun even when I’m los­ing a game, as dif­fi­cult as that may be for me some­times, because I know some­one who becomes angry when­ev­er they lose. I try to act affec­tion­ate­ly but appro­pri­ate­ly with peo­ple I’m involved with, sim­ply because I know peo­ple who are either too des­per­ate or too cold. I try to give as much space as is need­ed in my rela­tion­ships because I know peo­ple who are exceed­ing­ly high-main­te­nance.

Whenever I see peo­ple act the way they do, I try to find the good in them. Sometimes I find both good and bad, but I focus on the good, a thing which comes eas­i­ly to me, per­haps as a result of my zeal to become a bet­ter per­son.

Sometimes I find only bad, and it gives me more to work for.

Gag

If you could know what I know, what would you say?

Would you tell me that I’m crazy? That I think too much? That the world is upside down? Perhaps it’s all true.

Could you com­pre­hend how I feel or under­stand what I think? Would you tell me that you were sor­ry, or that I was sim­ply naive?

Sometimes it feels as if there is so much to say, so much to tell, so much to express. At what point does igno­rance become hap­pi­ness?

All I want is for you to know.

Don't Look

The idea that social pea­cock­ing occurs sea­son­al­ly has recent­ly been brought up. My friend and I both agreed that win­ter is the time for males to wear their nicer, thick­er clothes in order to empha­size their shoul­ders or face or even class. Summer, on the oth­er hand, is the time females show skin and curves. Thus, appeal becomes a sea­son­al­ly based idea. Both sex­es, fol­low­ing evo­lu­tion­ary instincts, are attract­ed to fig­ures and faces.

Another thing to con­sid­er is the fact that girls are com­mon­ly born with the appeal­ing curvy shape, where­as guys are born with­out strong mus­cu­lar def­i­n­i­tion. This caus­es the empha­sis of the male appeal to lie strong­ly on the face, and reveal­ing clothes become less impor­tant.

On cruis­ing the sum­mer streets, my friend told me that he hoped girls have as hard a time keep­ing their eyes straight dur­ing the win­ter as guys do in the sum­mer, assum­ing that the above is true. I real­ized that what I find appeal­ing is more com­mon in the win­ter, which is quite the oppo­site of the believed norm. I’m more of a face per­son than any­thing, and a nice turtle­neck, suit, or drag­ging skirt makes me notice some­one of the oppo­site sex more than tank tops or tight jeans.

I’m rarely one who is caught check­ing some­one out since I don’t real­ly care enough to become fix­at­ed on boo­bies. Darren tells me that he com­mon­ly notices oth­er guys star­ing at the racy lit­tle blond walk­ing by, but just as before, it’s not some­thing that I notice. We both agreed that the worst case is catch­ing old men tilt­ing their heads for an ass-check. How ter­ri­ble would it be to find out that one’s grand­fa­ther is an ass man?

It makes me won­der whether girls also leer at guys in the same dis­gust­ing fash­ion or maybe they are much more sub­tle. Perhaps some girls do have a hard time in the win­ter.

I’m sure that guys would like to know.

Fighting Oneself

Exhausted. Quite, but caf­feine fills me with its clever aware­ness. It is night and I can­not sleep. I feel the goose­bumps on my arm and know that I’m still alive. My mind is filled with com­fort­able, famil­iar emo­tions again. Ironic, that such som­bre feel­ings can make me so hap­py. Have I become a pris­on­er in my self-ful­fill­ing world? Will I remain trapped in this prophet­ic exis­tence for­ev­er?

I can­not tell.

Yet I fight against it.