It’s only the drivers who yield to pedestrians who deserve a quickened step across the lane. I take my time, sometimes even walk slower, for the drivers who have no regard for the pedestrians.
Only patient people deserve patience in return.
Sometimes I have to take a step back, and look at things as I did for the first time. I have to keep in mind that one of the most important aspects of this lifestyle is consent. That power flows from the bottom up, not the top down.
That I shouldn’t overstep my boundaries. That in time, more trust will develop, and the relationship will grow, and the boundaries will extend. That with this comes intimacy, strength, and possibly love.
That even with all the responsibility, trust, and faith I’ve been given, I must retain my humility. That power does not need to be exerted to be felt.
That I had none of this, and have been given everything.
I haven’t written a contemplation entry in ages. Things have been pushed aside to make way for new exploration and comprehension.
For so long, I’ve tried to wait before writing about this. My inexperience, and possibly even insecurities, have caused me to approach this subject slowly and carefully. Every day a new idea, a new understanding, a new emotion, a new strength. I’ve felt as if I’ve known so little, but am now beginning to make progress in my learning, am now beginning to understand the immensity of this lifestyle.
Now, there are now too many thoughts to go without record, and I must write.
The days can go on with regularity over and over, one day indistinguishable from the next.
—Travis Bickle, Taxi Driver
Every day I think that I’ll catch up on sleep at night, but I never seem to get the chance. I have time here and there to write, but things don’t come out properly when I’m tired. Even on the weekends, when I expect to be able to sleep in, I’m always off somewhere, doing something. It’s such a change from how I was living last year; no school, no job, no girlfriend, with all my friends still attending university. I lost all sense of time.
I’m busier than ever at work, and it’s a great feeling to know that I’m responsible for so much…for meeting deadlines, for completing projects, for coming up with solutions to peoples’ problems. It’s a lot of stress, but it’s a great challenge. Being forced to work with a lack of sleep has made me more accustomed to thinking while fatigued, something that I never thought was possible. I used to need a proper eight hours a day to think, otherwise I could only operate at a basic level. Only one day in the last month have I felt rested. The fact that I’m still going and getting things done is a big deal to me. And now it feels like I’m finally working towards something, in my relationships, in my career, even in my equity and assets.
I remember Pat telling me to enjoy my unemployment, and I did exactly that. I appreciated every minute of it, and now I appreciate every moment that I have something to do. I appreciated the freedom of being single, and now I appreciate the comfort of being with someone.
I already knew that I had a lot to learn, but it’s only now that I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. Sometimes it feels like I can’t keep track of everything, because there are so many things to think, talk, write about.
I have to keep in mind the fact that everything should be approached slowly. Rushing causes confusion, mix-ups of emotion. As much as I’d like to jump head-first into things, I have to pace myself. Learning is an investment, and as long as I can picture what I’m working towards, this shouldn’t be too hard. After all, I have the rest of my life, and the only limit is myself.
This will be a test.
But, most of all, this will be fun.