It’s in these stories, these moments, these connections, these words, these images, these harmonies, these delightful chilly breezes that foretell the coming of winter where I find a part myself lost for so long.
A general sense of numbness filled my life, but I’m starting to feel again, something I’ve been needing for a while now. It was as if I’d lost a sense of purpose, and I couldn’t figure out how to fix that cause I couldn’t tell what was wrong.
Maybe the fact that I started tapering off my dose of Cipralex (a few months ahead of schedule) is adding to the effect. It’s hard to tell with everything all mixed up, and so much happening at once.
I can’t imagine what things will be like in a few weeks, let alone a year. There’s never been so much uncertainty in my life, but that doesn’t scare me anymore. There’s always a way out. Ironic that I had to lose everything to learn that.
Two hours later, I woke up without any sense of direction.
Now I’m trying to figure out how to stay awake so I can be tired enough to fall asleep again. The fatigue isn’t enough to keep me down. I had a big breakfast, something I haven’t done in as long as I can remember, owing to the fact that they used to be the ritual of a person with weekends and a need for rituals.
At some point along the way, I realized it’s easier to take care of my friends and help them fix their problems. I can’t figure out why I’ve avoided dealing with my own, but I decided that as long as my distractions are fulfilling and healthy in themselves, there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, there’s nothing else one can do.
In turn, they’re helping me through this odd passage of time, where I find myself unsure of what to do or feel. I’ve had to open myself up to give them a chance to help me. It always leaves me vulnerable at first, but when they listen and understand and support me, all my insecurities go away. It’s a tangible love that goes far beyond words and intentions.
I’m very pleased to say that I’m now working with Five Stripe Studios, a talented boutique music composition studio, to score my films. Music is one of the most important parts of any film, and the right music can make great footage look even better.
Choosing the right music also happens to be one of the most difficult parts of the storytelling process. For one wedding, I spent a week looking for the perfect song. When I discovered it had an inappropriate line (nothing vulgar, just very unfitting for a wedding), I spent another week trying to find a replacement, but eventually went with my original choice, using audio software to take the line out.
It made sense to find a more capable person to handle this responsibility, and I just happened to come in contact with the right person at the right time. Adrian is the creative director of Five Stripe Studios, and not only does he write the music, he sings, plays, and records it as well. I met him in Australia when we were much younger1, and he contacted me after coming across my work many years later.
This not only gives me total control over the music, allowing me to choose the right instruments, tone, pace, and mood, but I have more options with the footage as well, as I sometimes found myself leaving out a great scene out to match another scene with a certain part of a song. Adrian is also a very dynamic composer, and can give me widely varying styles and genres; exactly what I need when working with all the different things I film.
- I still remember us playing NHL Hockey on the NES, which would have meant I was in my early teens. [↩]
Cause I want to has been the reason for everything lately.
I started to understand how we’re all dying in the Silvia Plath sense of the word, so I decided I might as well go out in style. Vonnegut got it right with his Pall Malls, though I choose not to add tobacco to the mix.
I quite consistently get my ass kicked at the drafts that Seth hosts, his crew always being made up of veteran players. The advantage is that I always walk away having learned a thing or two, and getting enough new cards to build on a concept is a nice little bonus. If someone told me I’d be spending money on a collectable card game at this age, I never would have believed it.
Magic has been keeping me busy in a good way. It’s never just about playing, it’s also about being around friends, and the camaraderie, and getting fat on Steph’s amazing meals. Those are exactly the things I need in my life.
It was hard balancing my time around others and the time I needed alone. I have needs that require the company of certain people, and when I’m trying to meet those needs, that often leaves me feeling very overstimulated. The exhaustion had been giving me flare-ups, not to mention headaches that dulled the senses and eloquence.
Now I have some breathing room, and a chance to do all the little things I’d been too occupied to handle, like catching up with people I haven’t seen in a while, getting the car fixed (from $9k worth of hail damage), filing my taxes (from two years ago), changing the strings on my uke to high‑G tuning, or just watching a movie. I’m still in night mode though, where I tend to get the most done after 10pm, and I find myself staving off sleep to do just one more thing.
I want to travel somewhere, cause it feels like it’s time to step out of my comfort zone again. I haven’t made enough of my own experiences and memories for too long. But I’m in too unstable a place right now, and I probably will be for at least another year or so. Ironic that it’s instability I crave. It’s left me wondering what I should be exploring here.