I wasn’t ready for the snow. I pictured myself at home with nothing better to do than sleep in as it was falling, but instead I’m too busy to enjoy it. Now there’s nothing left of the snow that has fallen, cause fate seems to be conspiring with the weather to make this Christmas anything but white.
Unfortunately, this is when I need to be buried under snow. I’m convinced the winter will wash everything away, and I’ll emerge clean again.
I don’t know what to do with myself lately. Ever since Will was born, catch-up time with ____ has been a call he gives me every now and then between methods of public transportation as he makes his way home from work. I just want to talk to someone and have their undivided attention, cause it’s the old habits I miss the most, the late nights when you’d rather stay in someone’s company than sleep. But the only people who understand are also the people with their own lives, and too often I’m left to my own devices.
As a result, I’ve been feeling vulnerable. I hold myself back from reaching out to the wrong arms, the ones who touch my face and drag their nails across my skin, the ones with familiar smells and comforting weaknesses, the ones who appreciate the things I want to be appreciated for, but none of whom can give me what I need.
I’m sure I’d feel as lonely as ever if I wasn’t so over-stimulated and ready to be by myself for a while. This probably won’t happen until some point during the holidays, and even then, I had plans on catching up on personal projects and chores I can only bring myself to do once a year. Maybe this is adults mean when talk about how time passes more quickly when you’re older.
I’m in between places now, unsure of where I am or where I’m headed. But at the very least, I know what I’ve been through and what’s behind me.
Filmed another lovely wedding in the Fall. The ceremony was small and intimate with only a handful of people invited, taking place at the tiny lookout on Rockcliffe Parkway, while the reception was a great big party at the RA Centre. One of the most unique things about this wedding were the paper lanterns given to all the guests. By the end of night the sky was full of them, drifting away beautifully above us.
It was another chance to work with the wonderful Liz, who is always on the top of my list of photographers I recommend for weddings. Not only do her photos end up looking amazing, she always works with me when capturing all the important details, instead of against me, as I’ve noticed with some photograpehrs. Check out the photos in her sneak peak.
Also of note were the wedding favours, each box containing a pair of candy sushi. The maki was made by rolling a flat sheet of Rice Krispie squares over a filling of Gummy Worms, wrapped with Fruit Roll-Up. The nigiri had gummy sharks as the fish, also tied together with a strip of Fruit By The Foot. Small, bite-sized packs of cute and delicious.
Our final days grow ever darker, but winter feels far away when I turn on the A/C in the car as we set off on the scenic route. It’s strange to think I’ll never be here again. I do my best to take my time, to remember the smell of every wooden house and twirl of hair and cozy wind. This was never a way for me to escape my life back home, only a journey I knew I needed to take.
But the novelty of grey hair and almond eyes has long run out, and now I’m just a man, trying to find out where he belongs.
Continue reading “we put our feet just where they had to go”…
It’s night, and a gentle song begins on my bedside speaker. Until this point, I’d always wondered who’d be the first to hear this song with me. Whose breath I’d feel on my body as the melody got lost in the darkness along with our inhibitions. It wasn’t a song I’d been saving, only one I never had the chance to share until I found myself here, exploring the open fields and windswept mountains and towns in between.
Continue reading “take me somewhere nice”…
The stars are clear out here. A train runs through the centre a few times a day, blaring a horn as a warning to people who may be going from building to building by crossing the tracks. It’s a tiny village in a snowglobe, only the snow hasn’t come.
I haven’t been around this many people in years. I’ve long wondered what it’d be like to live this life one more time. To have rituals and theatre plans and regular friends. None of this is real, of course, but I don’t mind pretending if only for a little while.
Girlcave. Fucking awesome.
Continue reading “The willing suspension of disbelief”…