The weather’s been so hot lately that I’ve been eating a tub of ice cream every three days. This is probably why I’ve been trying to come up with new ways of consuming it. At one point, I added some chocolate wafer rolls, and realized you don’t even need a spoon because you can use the rolls to scoop up the ice cream.
It’s best to do this with a premium brand like Häagen-Dazs, because they’re really dense (less air is mixed in), so they stay firm for longer. That means you don’t have to eat the ice cream quickly before it melts…but if you lived alone and had no one to mind the slurping, a wafer roll doubles as a straw too.
This one is Caramel Cone Explosion, my favourite Häagen-Dazs flavour: caramel swirls and sugar cone covered in Belgian milk chocolate with roasted almost pieces, in caramel ice cream.
I also recently tried If I Had A Million Flavors by Ben & Jerry’s, which is described on the tub, “A Collision of Chocolate & Vanilla Ice Creams mixed with Chocolate-covered toffee, White Chocolate Chunks, Peanut Butter Cups & Chocolate-Covered almonds”. Which is pure hedonism, really.
I came here to get out of the house. Room, actually. I haven’t had a face-to-face conversation with anyone in three days.
I kept going through my phone book. No one. Not a single person I want to talk to. No one with whom to be myself completely, with whom to spend in company without conversation. Hank told me a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness, but I beg to differ. The mornings always seem to last much longer.
At the same time, this is when I want to distract myself the most, and being with other people is the most effective way. I’m too busy being focused on spending time with someone else that I can forget about myself.
In the car it’s all Kid Cudi, and even though I’ve always told myself I wouldn’t drive when I’m like this, I’d always wanted to hear this album when I’m in this kind of mood. I was never one to resist a night in cool summer air, cruising under the city lights to old haunts.
Waiting for my order affords me the opportunity to surreptitiously observe people and try to figure out their roles each clique as they interact. Even though I’m alone, it’s comfort enough to be among strangers.
When I was young and a cat food commercial came on where the kitties would nuzzle their owner after receiving a portion of Brand X, I’d think to myself, “Those are probably special cats, the way they use perky models to portray everyday moms in cleaning commercials. I won’t ever have a cat like that.”
But I was wrong.
She follows me around the house, she sleeps under the blankets in the crook of my arm, and I can’t imagine my life without her.
I don’t view my projects the same way anymore. I used to work towards a goal, an idea of what I wanted to achieve. But more recently I stopped caring about the end result, probably due to this new perspective on…everything.
It’s a strange juxtaposition of knowing that what you’re doing is ultimately insignificant, and finding enjoyment in doing it anyway. Like a child stacking a pile of blocks, only to knock them down.
The wikipedia article on wu wei explains feeling this better than I can:
The goal for wu wei is to get out of your own way, so to speak. This is like when you are playing an instrument and if you start thinking about playing the instrument, then you will get in your own way and interfere with your own playing. It is aimless action, because if there was a goal that you need to aim at and hit, then you will develop anxiety about this goal.
Zhuangzi made a point of this, where he writes about an archer who at first didn’t have anything to aim at. When there was nothing to aim at, the archer was happy and content with his being. He was practicing wu wei. But, then he set up a target and “got in his own way.” He was going against the Tao and the natural course of things by having to hit that goal.
(This also reminds me of a verse from Leonard Cohen’s True Love Leaves No Traces: “Through windows in the dark/The children come, the children go/Like arrows with no targets/Like shackles made of snow.)
Nowadays, I do what I feel like doing and don’t stress out about not finishing a project, cause I know I’ll feel like working on it another day. It leaves me more loose ends, but I don’t mind. Luckily, I love creating things. Trying different mediums. New ways of expressing myself.
Darren came up from Toronto for a visit over the long weekend.
These sessions always fulfill my quota of relationship talk. When one admits to not wanting to be in a relationship, this is followed naturally by the question, “Would you go for it if you found the perfect one right now?” from the other. Then in return, “If she came back to you and said she wanted to try again, but you only had a 50-50 percent chance of success, would you go for it?”
In our little duet, our philosophical collaboration, love is always a theme. No one else challenges our psyches in this regard.
Continue reading “life being what it is”…