Monthly Archives: May 2010

Happiness condensed

The weather’s been so hot lately that I’ve been eat­ing a tub of ice cream every three days. This is prob­a­bly why I’ve been try­ing to come up with new ways of con­sum­ing it. At one point, I added some choco­late wafer rolls, and real­ized you don’t even need a spoon because you can use the rolls to scoop up the ice cream.

It’s best to do this with a pre­mium brand like Häagen-Dazs, because they’re really dense (less air is mixed in), so they stay firm for longer. That means you don’t have to eat the ice cream quickly before it melts…but if you lived alone and had no one to mind the slurp­ing, a wafer roll dou­bles as a straw too.

ice cream

 

This one is Caramel Cone Explosion, my favourite Häagen-Dazs flavour: caramel swirls and sugar cone cov­ered in Belgian milk choco­late with roasted almost pieces, in caramel ice cream.

I also recently tried If I Had A Million Flavors by Ben & Jerry’s, which is described on the tub, “A Collision of Chocolate & Vanilla Ice Creams mixed with Chocolate-covered tof­fee, White Chocolate Chunks, Peanut Butter Cups & Chocolate-Covered almonds”. Which is pure hedo­nism, really.

I didn't come here for the tea

I came here to get out of the house. Room, actu­ally. I haven’t had a face-to-face con­ver­sa­tion with any­one in three days.

I kept going through my phone book. No one. Not a sin­gle per­son I want to talk to. No one with whom to be myself com­pletely, with whom to spend in com­pany with­out con­ver­sa­tion. Hank told me a morn­ing of awk­ward­ness is far bet­ter than a night of lone­li­ness, but I beg to dif­fer. The morn­ings always seem to last much longer.

At the same time, this is when I want to dis­tract myself the most, and being with other peo­ple is the most effec­tive way. I’m too busy being focused on spend­ing time with some­one else that I can for­get about myself.

In the car it’s all Kid Cudi, and even though I’ve always told myself I wouldn’t drive when I’m like this, I’d always wanted to hear this album when I’m in this kind of mood. I was never one to resist a night in cool sum­mer air, cruis­ing under the city lights to old haunts.

Waiting for my order affords me the oppor­tu­nity to sur­rep­ti­tiously observe peo­ple and try to fig­ure out their roles each clique as they inter­act. Even though I’m alone, it’s com­fort enough to be among strangers.

The saddest fact in life is that our cats will die before us

When I was young and a cat food com­mer­cial came on where the kit­ties would nuz­zle their owner after receiv­ing a por­tion of Brand X, I’d think to myself, “Those are prob­a­bly spe­cial cats, the way they use perky mod­els to por­tray every­day moms in clean­ing com­mer­cials. I won’t ever have a cat like that.”

But I was wrong.

She fol­lows me around the house, she sleeps under the blan­kets in the crook of my arm, and I can’t imag­ine my life with­out her.

Arrows with no target

I don’t view my projects the same way any­more. I used to work towards a goal, an idea of what I wanted to achieve. But more recently I stopped car­ing about the end result, prob­a­bly due to this new per­spec­tive on…every­thing.

It’s a strange jux­ta­po­si­tion of know­ing that what you’re doing is ulti­mately insignif­i­cant, and find­ing enjoy­ment in doing it any­way. Like a child stack­ing a pile of blocks, only to knock them down.

The wikipedia arti­cle on wu wei explains feel­ing this bet­ter than I can:

The goal for wu wei is to get out of your own way, so to speak. This is like when you are play­ing an instru­ment and if you start think­ing about play­ing the instru­ment, then you will get in your own way and inter­fere with your own play­ing. It is aim­less action, because if there was a goal that you need to aim at and hit, then you will develop anx­i­ety about this goal.

Zhuangzi made a point of this, where he writes about an archer who at first didn’t have any­thing to aim at. When there was noth­ing to aim at, the archer was happy and con­tent with his being. He was prac­tic­ing wu wei. But, then he set up a tar­get and “got in his own way.” He was going against the Tao and the nat­ural course of things by hav­ing to hit that goal.

(This also reminds me of a verse from Leonard Cohen’s True Love Leaves No Traces: “Through win­dows in the dark/The chil­dren come, the chil­dren go/Like arrows with no tar­gets/Like shack­les made of snow.)

Nowadays, I do what I feel like doing and don’t stress out about not fin­ish­ing a project, cause I know I’ll feel like work­ing on it another day. It leaves me more loose ends, but I don’t mind. Luckily, I love cre­at­ing things. Trying dif­fer­ent medi­ums. New ways of express­ing myself.

life being what it is

Darren came up from Toronto for a visit over the long weekend.

These ses­sions always ful­fill my quota of rela­tion­ship talk. When one admits to not want­ing to be in a rela­tion­ship, this is fol­lowed nat­u­rally by the ques­tion, “Would you go for it if you found the per­fect one right now?” from the other. Then in return, “If she came back to you and said she wanted to try again, but you only had a 50–50 per­cent chance of suc­cess, would you go for it?”

In our lit­tle duet, our philo­soph­i­cal col­lab­o­ra­tion, love is always a theme. No one else chal­lenges our psy­ches in this regard.

Trivial Pursuit night

 

Continue read­ing “life being what it is”…