Monthly Archives: July 2008

Be Still, My Heart

Muse side face

In the dark, our bod­ies fit like puz­zle pieces — face in neck, crest in val­ley, curve in curve. I’m com­plete­ly vul­ner­a­ble when she lets me love her like this. She brings my guard down.

It’s the way she makes me hap­py with­out try­ing. The way I’m filled with ten­der­ness every time I feel the warmth of her skin against mine. The way her exis­tence gives me hope for the rest of the world.

If I chose to fall back on old habits and kept my dis­tance to pro­tect myself, I would­n’t know this inef­fa­ble feel­ing. I may get hurt, but it’s worth every moment I can be next to her.

Maybe she’s right, and I’ll feel dif­fer­ent­ly by the time it’s nec­es­sary. Until then, there’s no use in fight­ing it.

Not that I let myself fall for her.

My heart nev­er gave me a choice.

On Isotretinoin

I recent­ly start­ed a course of Isotretinoin, a strong med­ica­tion used to cure severe acne by alter­ing DNA tran­scrip­tion. For some rea­son, my acne has real­ly flared up in my late twen­ties. I would get huge cysts on my face that would last for weeks, not to men­tion the hyper-pig­men­ta­tion that would last even longer after the cyst went away. Needless to say, it was mak­ing me very anti-social when I was talk­ing to peo­ple and felt like there was a huge dis­trac­tion on my face.

I was referred to a der­ma­tol­o­gist, who gave me a pre­scrip­tion for “full strength” (accord­ing to my body weight) to see if I could han­dle the side effects. The phar­ma­cist asked me if she made a mis­take because they don’t offer a dosage that strong, so now I take a com­bi­na­tion of two dosages.

Due to the poten­cy of the med­ica­tion, there’s a huge list of side effects. The scari­est is the mood changes. I’m sup­posed to stop the dose if I start expe­ri­enc­ing:

  • changes in my mood such as becom­ing depressed, feel­ing sad, or hav­ing cry­ing spells
  • los­ing inter­est in my usu­al activ­i­ties
  • changes in my nor­mal sleep pat­terns
  • becom­ing more irri­ta­ble or aggres­sive than usu­al
  • los­ing my appetite
  • becom­ing unusu­al­ly tired
  • hav­ing trou­ble con­cen­trat­ing
  • with­draw­ing from fam­i­ly and friends
  • hav­ing thoughts about tak­ing my own life

As a per­son who’s suf­fered from sui­ci­dal thoughts in the past, this was quite a fright­en­ing propo­si­tion. I asked my friends to be aware, just in case I don’t notice any changes in myself.

So far though, the only side effect has been extreme­ly dry skin, espe­cial­ly on the face. The lips have been the worst; I can’t eat or drink any­thing with­out apply­ing a thick lay­er of mois­tur­iz­er on them, oth­er­wise they peel like mad.

There’s also a dry­ing of mucous mem­branes. To relieve the chap­ping, I’ve start­ed smear­ing Vaseline in my nose.

Prior to this, the only time I used Vaseline was as a sex­u­al lubri­cant.

Now I get aroused every time I breathe in.

Emergence Exposition Opus 03

Mixed media piece

Thumbnail: Mixed media piece detail
Thumbnail: Large pieces
Thumbnail: Handmade birds
Thumbnail: Handmade birds on windowsill
Thumbnail: Misun mingles
Thumbnail: Canvas embroidery
Thumbnail: Canvas embroidery detail
Thumbnail: Memory jars
Thumbnail: Female sculpture detail
Thumbnail: Frederic mingles
Thumbnail: Invitation
Thumbnail: Abstract piece
Thumbnail: Krista Muir and Shane Watt
Thumbnail: Metal plant
Thumbnail: Metal chair
Thumbnail: Rurick pieces 1
Thumbnail: Rurick pieces 2
Thumbnail: Rurick's titles
Thumbnail: Shane Watt and his trail mix
Thumbnail: Tree sculpture detail
 

The third Emergence Exposition was the first sum­mer show. With day­light com­ing through the house, and the doors and win­dows open, there was a dif­fer­ent mood float­ing around. People also dressed light­ly and in bright colours, adding to the sense of airi­ness.

Along with the mind-blow­ing visu­al art­work, there were per­for­mances by Con Brio, a string quar­tet, and Aura Giles, a mod­ern flutist with huge lungs.

One of the most mem­o­rable parts of the night, how­ev­er, was a per­for­mance of an orig­i­nal com­po­si­tion by John Alac, where he tells a sto­ry of a man about to be exe­cut­ed, using only his gui­tar. The num­ber of dif­fer­ent sounds he gets from pluck­ing, tap­ping, scratch­ing his strings is quite amaz­ing, although what real­ly blew my mind was the way he got the sound of a bell to toll at 4:06.

(You can watch this in High Definition on the Vimeo site. It looks much nicer.)

An End To Therapy

I stopped going to ther­a­py.

Because I feel like I’m fixed.

Not com­plete­ly, but I’m at the point where I can rec­og­nize my prob­lems, bad men­tal habits, and work towards fix­ing them myself. My anx­i­ety — the rea­son why I went to ther­a­py in the first place — is under con­trol, and I’ve been delight­ful­ly drink­ing black tea in the morn­ings1. No more sui­ci­dal thoughts either.

I asked my psy­chol­o­gist whether I could hang out with him out­side of the ses­sions because I enjoyed his com­pa­ny so much on a per­son­al lev­el. From life to art to soci­ol­o­gy, we would always stray onto a wide vari­ety of oth­er top­ics. Perhaps I found the human mind to be as fas­ci­nat­ing as he did.

He told me that as much as he’d like to, his ethics would­n’t allow him to do so. I brought up the option of going to some­one else for ther­a­py, so that we could be friends, but after a bit of con­sid­er­a­tion, I did­n’t like that option either, because I real­ly enjoyed work­ing with him. On top of that, as he explained, he would be avail­able to me if I ever required his ser­vices in the future. I won’t lie and say that it did­n’t make me very sad, but I under­stood and respect­ed his rea­sons.

So after my last ses­sion, we shook hands, and he said “I’ll see you when I see you. Take care”.

And he meant it.

  1. Caffeine, along with many oth­er things, used to trig­ger anx­i­ety attacks in me. []