The Beginning To The End

This was the week­end we first met.

The first time we kissed. The first time we held each oth­er. The first time we slept with arms entwined, bod­ies bare and buried under the cov­ers.

It was before the snow melt­ed on the verge of spring, when I would open the win­dows to dry the sweat from our skin.

I put on a song that made me cry, because she said that it turned her on, and with the tears welling up in my lids, we stared into each oth­ers’ eyes.

From the moment we touched, there was nev­er any awk­ward­ness. Only a com­plete trust, a com­fort­ing famil­iar­i­ty, as if we’d known each oth­er for years, a gen­tle nuz­zle of the nose from my baby-faced doll.

And now it’s over.

Someone who saw this video sent me this very touch­ing let­ter about her sto­ry of rape and recov­ery.


  1. Wonderful.

    I love the mole beneath her eye.

  2. It is a beau­ti­ful mark. She’s very lucky to have it.

  3. So I just read this now as it was post­ed before I start­ed read­ing over here. I haven’t looked at the video because I’m at work and to be hon­est I’ll prob­a­bly for­get to look at it at home.

    I find it impos­si­ble to be so gut-wrench­ing­ly hon­est and cur­rent in my posts. I can nev­er write about the things that still hurt me. At least I can’t write about it in posts where any­one oth­er than I can see them… I’m pret­ty jeal­ous I guess.

  4. You come off as a very strong per­son; I nev­er would have guessed that things still hurt you, although this may be because you can hide it well.

    I find that writ­ing about those things is very Cathartic. I don’t always feel com­fort­able doing it, but once it’s out in the open, I feel a lot bet­ter.

    There are cer­tain­ly things I still don’t like shar­ing though, not so much painful mem­o­ries, but more “embar­rass­ing” things. Perhaps it’s all rel­a­tive.

  5. I write about hurt­ful things once they are old enough to not hurt me any more. I real­ly hate being judged on things I’m still work­ing through. Once some­thing is done with, I can hold my head up and defend it until death but not so much while I’m in the process of dealing/coping what­ev­er. I do that com­plete­ly alone, always.

  6. That makes a lot of sense. Writing and explor­ing bad mem­o­ries tend to hurt some peo­ple, even after the fact. Not writ­ing about it is an under­stand­able way of pro­tect­ing one­self, to give enough time for one to mend, espe­cial­ly when writ­ing some­where pub­lic can leave us so open and vul­ner­a­ble.

    It takes so damn long for me to get over some­thing though, that I need to write, as painful as it may be. Otherwise, I don’t think I ever would get over it.

  7. wow.
    this takes guts, jeff.
    i hope it helped you heal.

  8. i dont know when the last time you have checked these coments cause this was made in 06 but…
    hey dude, that is awe­som that she allowed you to take that video and that you guys just layed there hold­ing one anoth­er, not wor­ry­ing about any­thing, just being hap­py you have some­one.
    that is how i am with my girl­friend and i would not trade it for the world

  9. Wow nice descrip­tion! This reminds me of my boyfriend and I. He is asian and I am white. We met on youtube and fell in love over msn. He came to vis­it me after two months of talk­ing, and though we said we weren’t going to get phys­i­cal so soon, we could­n’t resist each oth­er and had a beau­ti­ful, play­ful, and fun time. Playful and fun, two things I nev­er knew sex could be until I was with him. Like you, I felt com­plete com­fort and there was no awk­ward­ness, things I did­n’t like about my body were com­plete­ly for­got­ten because I knew he loved me for who I was. It was the best thing I’ve ever known.

  10. hi jeff,
    You got a great video, i found it in YouTube, then i open your web to see it all.
    Its a touch­ing video..
    real­ly touch me„ remind me with my ex.. Somehow i can’t sleep around guys (except my dad, i dont know why..)
    but for the first time, i found some­one who can made me fall asleep beside him.. (even i can fall asleep when he kissed me..) huhuhu The first time i’m sleep beside him is in a week­end too (huhuhu i cant hold my tears..) he real­ly made me com­fort„
    but unfor­tu­nate­ly now it over too, i missed him now..
    and this video made me much more missed him, missed every­thing that we’ve been passed.. haha I guess he real­ly made me fall in love.. ^^’

  11. Wow.
    Well. I’m in a long dis­tance rela­tion­ship with a guy I hope to mar­ry some­day.
    Let me just tell you this both tore my heart out and gave me hope. I don’t know the sto­ry behind it. But since you were say­ing it was the first time you touched. Yeah. It kin­da broke me down.
    I can only hope our first meet­ing goes as well as yours seemed to.

    All the best. =]

    • Best of luck to you and your rela­tion­ship. :)

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