Three pictures.
Patience is the greatest advantage. Time brings all answers. Knowing that the sun will rise again tomorrow puts the mind at ease.
Sometimes you just need to wait.

After the last housewarming party, Pita stayed the night, having come all the way from Montreal, not wanting to drive back after a few hours of drinking. I asked him to stay on Sunday, and we ended up playing all the old Gamecube games that we used to play and master, back when we lived together. We never had the chance to do this since he moved to Taiwan and back to Canada over two years ago, so it was quite a reminiscent experience.
Discovering I had a free weekend, I invited him over a little while ago for two days of pure gaming. The invitation was extended to his roommate, after Pita said that I should meet her, being a hardcore gaming chick who apparently can kick his ass in Soul Calibur 2. I have yet to observe this ass-kicking chick phenomenon for myself, and unfortunately, I haven’t had any time to practice with Kilik or Raphael, so I’m prepared to get my ass handed to me. I’m hoping to make it up in Super Smash Brothers Melee.
This is the last weekend of fun before I start to get serious about work (aside from a LAN party I have planned for the first week of November). I decided not to take the job at the bookstore, and put my full focus on a web solutions business that I registered this week.
They should be here any minute.
Three pictures.
There’s so much to say, but nothing comes out. I think I’m still in shock. When I think that things have passed, this happens. Complete ambivalence has turned to inconclusiveness. All I know is that I’m still a sucker for those two little words. There’s solace in the hope that other things will work out, that they wouldn’t have happened, had things not ended up like this. Now all that’s left is clutter of questions.
Karma makes me ask who I’ve wronged so greatly to deserve this. At the same time, it’s an open-ended answer that doesn’t give me what I’m looking for, or make me feel any better.
And what do I do now, when all I have left are memories that may fade like old photographs sitting in the sun?
We haven’t spoken in months.
I still think about her, but isn’t that how it usually goes? You think about the last girlfriend until the next one comes along, ad infinitum.
Sometimes I think about the opportunities I’ve missed with her. Never having a chance to attend one of her parties, a mysterious, esoteric ritual that both frightened and excited me whenever I heard about it. Never getting to use the beautiful rope she bought before she left for the final, extended break. Never being able to leave her bound and blindfolded in her own closet, the secret little fantasy we both shared. All the things that I took my time with, thinking I’d have a chance eventually, expecting the relationship to work.
But eventually never came.
Sometimes I have to remind myself how much she hurt me. On some days it’s easier than others. How much I changed and grew and was brave for her, only to have her constantly put me down. I tried my best, did the most I could, but it was never enough. Her complete lack of faith was more than discouraging, it was insulting.
Yet she was the girlfriend I respected the most, the only one I could talk to about anything without being afraid of losing her in subject matter. The girlfriend who taught me the most, who played an integral part in giving me the sense of strength and responsibility I feel today. I’m still trying to figure out if it was all worth it, whether I’d learn these thing eventually, or whether the experience was unique. I suspect I’ll find out in time.
It’s supposed to be sunny tomorrow. The beginning of fall, carrying the transitional temperatures of summer, is always pleasantly cool. We’ll be strolling along the stores and restaurants of Elgin, and I’ll be taking my video camera in hopes of getting some footage of the sandbag angels at the Confederation Park.
“So what are the plans for tonight?”, he asks me, wetting my hair in the washbasin before working the shampoo into my scalp.
“Nothing much. My flatmate has a friend over from back home, so we’ll probably head out later. Maybe the Honest Lawyer.”
It was a complete lie. Trolley was telling me about being at the Lawyer the night before, so it was the first thing that came to mind. Kate’s here, sure enough, but there were no plans.
Even though we share the same name, we live in different worlds. Jeff looks like he’s been carved out of marble, shoulders exaggeratedly broad with a stiffened superhero gait. His facial hair is simultaneously gruff but handsome, always trimmed in way that shows he takes care of his appearance. The stylist who always has some form of colour in his hair, whether it’s spikes or highlights or chunks, and looks like he could pass for anything between 20 to 30.
Once, after walking me over to the hydraulic chair, one of the slimmer ones that are found in salons instead of barbershops, we started to discuss the lack of decent metal bands from Canada. I told him that I was looking for more Breach Of Trust songs online (Jeff has the two first albums), which prompted him to ask, “You have a computer?”, without a single pause of the sheers.
The question left me dumbfounded. It took me a few moments to realize that not everyone has a computer, my bias coming from the fact that my friends all have one, being a graduate of comp sci. Almost everyone I know is also in an economic class to be able to afford such a luxury, with a lifestyle to actually have a use for one.
Last time, he told me about running out of disposable dishes, not owning more than a pair of plates he received as a tip once, and a tea stained mug, both of which have fallen into desuetude. “I’ve never liked to do the dishes”, he flatly stated.
In a reactionary manner, I asked him, “You don’t have a dishwasher?”, regretting the words the moment they came out of my mouth. “Oh god no”, was his insouciant reply, as if he’d have no use for it, even if he had one. As soon as I asked, I realized the insensitivity of my question, that not everyone would want a dishwasher, as strange as it seemed at the time. I’m at a point where I’d have a hard time living without one now, and an even harder time bringing a girl home, cooking a meal, and serving it to her on paper plates. A dishwasher has become a necessity for me, simply based on lifestyle, much like a computer. Sometimes it seems like I spend my life on my computer, and Jeff’s a person who lives completely without one. If I told him I didn’t have a car, I’m sure he would find it just as strange.
It was a startling realization. I don’t know many people without a college or university degree, without a long-term career or family plan. I don’t know anyone still living the bachelor life, happy to go out every night, and eat off disposable dishes. Jeff seems like a great guy, reserved until he feels out his clients, but friendly. I don’t know anyone like him, although I’m sure that there are many just like him.
And every time he cuts my hair, at the start of every appointment during the ritual washing, he asks about my plans for the night. Usually I tell him the truth. Nothing. It’s a weeknight, and I just worked a full day. That’s when he lets me know about his own plans, which generally consist of going out and drinking in some form or another.
But that day, I lied. It was a Saturday, and who doesn’t have plans on a Saturday night? I only feel guilty about it now, after being able to understand where he’s coming from. It’s only fair that I’m as honest with him as he is with me.
Even if we do live two totally different lives. Even if he may not understand.