We haven’t spoken in months.
I still think about her, but isn’t that how it usually goes? You think about the last girlfriend until the next one comes along, ad infinitum.
Sometimes I think about the opportunities I’ve missed with her. Never having a chance to attend one of her parties, a mysterious, esoteric ritual that both frightened and excited me whenever I heard about it. Never getting to use the beautiful rope she bought before she left for the final, extended break. Never being able to leave her bound and blindfolded in her own closet, the secret little fantasy we both shared. All the things that I took my time with, thinking I’d have a chance eventually, expecting the relationship to work.
But eventually never came.
Sometimes I have to remind myself how much she hurt me. On some days it’s easier than others. How much I changed and grew and was brave for her, only to have her constantly put me down. I tried my best, did the most I could, but it was never enough. Her complete lack of faith was more than discouraging, it was insulting.
Yet she was the girlfriend I respected the most, the only one I could talk to about anything without being afraid of losing her in subject matter. The girlfriend who taught me the most, who played an integral part in giving me the sense of strength and responsibility I feel today. I’m still trying to figure out if it was all worth it, whether I’d learn these thing eventually, or whether the experience was unique. I suspect I’ll find out in time.
It’s supposed to be sunny tomorrow. The beginning of fall, carrying the transitional temperatures of summer, is always pleasantly cool. We’ll be strolling along the stores and restaurants of Elgin, and I’ll be taking my video camera in hopes of getting some footage of the sandbag angels at the Confederation Park.