I'm Seeing Louise Tomorrow

We haven’t spo­ken in months.

I still think about her, but isn’t that how it usu­al­ly goes? You think about the last girl­friend until the next one comes along, ad infini­tum.

Sometimes I think about the oppor­tu­ni­ties I’ve missed with her. Never hav­ing a chance to attend one of her par­ties, a mys­te­ri­ous, eso­teric rit­u­al that both fright­ened and excit­ed me when­ev­er I heard about it. Never get­ting to use the beau­ti­ful rope she bought before she left for the final, extend­ed break. Never being able to leave her bound and blind­fold­ed in her own clos­et, the secret lit­tle fan­ta­sy we both shared. All the things that I took my time with, think­ing I’d have a chance even­tu­al­ly, expect­ing the rela­tion­ship to work.

But even­tu­al­ly nev­er came.

Sometimes I have to remind myself how much she hurt me. On some days it’s eas­i­er than oth­ers. How much I changed and grew and was brave for her, only to have her con­stant­ly put me down. I tried my best, did the most I could, but it was nev­er enough. Her com­plete lack of faith was more than dis­cour­ag­ing, it was insult­ing.

Yet she was the girl­friend I respect­ed the most, the only one I could talk to about any­thing with­out being afraid of los­ing her in sub­ject mat­ter. The girl­friend who taught me the most, who played an inte­gral part in giv­ing me the sense of strength and respon­si­bil­i­ty I feel today. I’m still try­ing to fig­ure out if it was all worth it, whether I’d learn these thing even­tu­al­ly, or whether the expe­ri­ence was unique. I sus­pect I’ll find out in time.

It’s sup­posed to be sun­ny tomor­row. The begin­ning of fall, car­ry­ing the tran­si­tion­al tem­per­a­tures of sum­mer, is always pleas­ant­ly cool. We’ll be strolling along the stores and restau­rants of Elgin, and I’ll be tak­ing my video cam­era in hopes of get­ting some footage of the sand­bag angels at the Confederation Park.

4 comments

  1. Wow. I hope the meet­ing is every­thing you want it to be.
    ‑Ang
    side­note: i love the ‘pas­sive aggres­sive as fuck’ line! :)

  2. Sorry for reload­ing your page like fif­teen times.. I had just noticed that the tagline changes! My favorite is prob­a­bly *group hug for one*

  3. To be hon­est, I don’t know what I want the meet­ing to be. I sup­pose I’ll find out when it hap­pens.

    And I get a lot of peo­ple doing mul­ti­ple reloads too. The ran­dom­ize func­tion isn’t per­fect (the­o­ret­i­cal­ly it can nev­er be per­fect on a machine), so I find a lot of peo­ple keep refresh­ing when they real­ize there’s a line they haven’t read before.

    group hug for one” is based a site I fre­quent, http://www.grouphug.us

  4. A few weeks ago I got an e‑mail from my ex, it was very casu­al, he knows I don’t want to be friends and he respect it. It was just some errands stuff, casu­al things about forms and phone calls to some book pub­lish­es, it total­ly throw me off my life, I just got so sad about not being in the rela­tion­ship any­more. I wrote him back, in the sec­ond e‑mail he said some­thing small that real­ly made me remem­ber why it’s best that we part­ed.

    Anger’s some­times the best way to deal with the pain of the break up. I know it total­ly works for me. I run into the guy who did the ren­o­va­tion on the apart­ment me and him got togeth­er 6 months before he left me. Telling him that we part­ed and that the apart­ment that he worked so hard on is now being rent­ed out, was real dif­fi­cult, it also remind­ed me how unfair and harsh this whole deal was.

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