Some more pictures of Aaron and Karen’s kitten, Chaos, taken one sunny Sunday morning when Aaron and I met to work on a business plan. I think he was off showering before we headed out for bubtea, and as I sat at the table with Chaos at my feet, I noticed that the light from the windows made his fur glow. I had only captured the kitty on (digital) film once before, a few months prior. One can already see how his features will develop when he’s older, with the long, slender body, and the aloofness of the nose.
Wow, it was a rough day. It started off well enough, because I was in what one would call a better-than-average mood before I had even arrived at work. Shirley had stopped at Timmies to get an everything bagel with herb and garlic cream cheese for breakfast, and decided to also buy me a large coffee, which I found, hot and steaming, on my desk this morning. It was the first coffee I had in weeks, and it sent my heart racing after the second sip.
I finalized a two-page ad for a local quarterly newsletter, due for publication at the end of the month. The only problem was that, for the last few years, we’ve had a reservation of only a single page. The middle two pages of this publication are reserved for the most important messages from the organization that runs the publication itself, and are most likely the first two pages looked at by its readers. My boss, besides being the best fucking boss in the world, was also ambitious enough to request the middle two pages (I think of Michael Corleone asking if his credit is good enough to buy out Moe Green). At his behest, I made a call to negotiate the booking of space. I had been prepping for this since Monday, being unsure of how to approach the person at the other end of the line in order to maximize my chances of getting the two most lucrative pages in the booklet. They didn’t know how old, or young, I was, because they couldn’t see me, and this was helpful. I believe that age has worked to my disadvantage in the past for tete-a-tete negotiations, because I can see in the faces of older people how hard it is for them to take me seriously. At the end, I offered to reserve two pages instead of one (something which they didn’t know we had every intention of doing, no matter what the result), in return for the middle of the booklet. I was able to get the middle for this month, but unfortunately not for any subsequent issues. We wanted to hit the local area hard with the energy in our latest marketing campaign, and being the first to take the middle of the publication, even if only for a single issue, was good enough. I told my boss, he shook my hand, and verbally congratulated me.
Then I quickly fixed up and finalized the mailout for this month, to be printed on our new cover stock, a great idea by Shirley, because the thickness and brightness of the stock make everything look fucking slick. By this time, the caffeine was making me jittery. I had slept alright the night before, but I was starting to feel tired, especially in the eyes.
I started to work on a one page flyer to go with a special invitation sent out to over 600 clients and potential clients across the city (which also ties in with the advertisement in the local publication mentioned above — fucking wicked). My boss gave me the material yesterday, and the problem was that it had to be approved by him before the end of the day, because he’s leaving the country on business tomorrow.
I worked through most of the day on the flyer while tons of other miscellaneous things-to-be-done popped up spontaneously, like label printing, printer fixing, and back-up troubleshooting. By this time, the caffeine had worn off, only to be replaced by what felt like exhaustion. Near the end of the day, after getting the flyer mostly done, while colour correcting and space adjusting, CorelDraw started to really, REALLY fuck up on me. If the printing companies we dealt with would actually spend some money on higher end vector graphics software, I wouldn’t have had any problems. Instead, I tried to print a file from CorelDraw, and it either spooled forever, or told me that there was not enough memory to print (with my 1 gig of DDR RAM). If I tried to save, it either gave me an error message about not having enough free space, or crashed, and in the process, made the current working space blank and saved it. CorelDraw seems to lose stability if any other programs are running, such as Outlook Express or Winamp, while there are graphics above 300 dpi in the workspace, and I had over a dozen. In the end, I got the flyer finished, but not before repeating an entire series of steps, several times, due to crashes while fine-tuning.
My nerves were shot by the time I stepped outside to walk to the bus stop. For the first time in months, I listened to my on-the-go playlist. I started working on it since the week of UPS crashes in November (which would bring the entire system down at work, including telephone access), for days just like this.
There is a risk, there’s a risk when your dealing with love
You could snap my neck
Any speed you drive can be dangerous
When this frame fails me
Will I trust you to carry me through?
I know there’s no such thing as safety
But I know what a promise can do
I’ve alway been one to put a little too much faith into people. Although this often ends up hurting the parties involved, myself included, I’ve always felt like it was worth it. I’d rather give someone the benefit of the doubt, and perhaps this is why I end up being let down so much (____ would add that my intolerance is partially to blame). Some people don’t like to take that risk and need others to make the first step, need others to make that leap of faith. I know, because in some cases, I used to be one of them. One may hold back until they know that the other person has as much at risk as they do. It’s the easiest way to not get hurt.
There’s always one person who has to make that first step, to lay everything on the line. It’s one person who has to be the first to go for a kiss, the first to say, “I love you”, without knowing what the other person will say in return. It makes it easier, of course, if one can understand or accept the fact that there are risks involved in any sort of relationship, that not everything will go the “right” way.
There’s a Simon and Garfunkle song that goes, “The roller coaster ride we took is nearly at an end / I bought my ticket with my tears, that’s all I’m gonna spend”. When Paul Simon penned those lyrics, in the manner which he plays with words and rhymes to create his beautiful, renowned lyrical verses, he should have written, “That’s all I need to spend”. There’s absolutely nothing more that one can give.
Tears are a small price to pay for a chance at happiness.
I’m having one of those days, actually, one of those weeks where I can’t seem to write anything down. I have all these ideas floating around in my head without the words to follow through. Maybe it’s because I don’t exactly know what I’m feeling, like a bittersweet mix in the palate, or an indistinguishable taste. For once I’ve started to take control of things, started to be pro-active instead of reactive. Started listening to hopeful, inspiring, energetic music. I’ve realized that I have the ability to point my life in the direction I want to go, that I can’t rely on others to make me happy, that I can start living for myself now.
And it’s all new to me.
It’s called a changeover. The movie goes on and no one in the audience has any idea.
—Tyler Durden, Fight Club