The more you call, the less I care.
Yearly Archives: 2004
I need this weekend
I need it to recharge and recoup. I need it to clean up the piles of clothes that have been building up on my coffee table, and to catch up on old e‑mails. I need it to sleep in, and feel rested for a once. I need it to take care of myself so I can take care of Loo. I need it to relax, to write.
To think, to stop thinking.
Fifteen-Minute Conditioner (or It's A D/s Life: The Perils Of Faith)
I understand. A lack of feedback is the ultimate test of confidence, one of the many crucibles of a relationship. The strong make it through, the weak fall apart.
I have to be strong. I have to cast aside my insecurities, and not look back. I have to trust in Louise as much as she trusts in me. I have to be more open, more communicative. How can I be sure of what she thinks if I don’t speak to her first?
I have to be strong. I have to treat Louise better. She shouldn’t be paying for my bad days. I have to push through the weight, or we both pay, the vicious bad-mood cycle. I have to be firm first, or there is nothing for her to support.
I have to be strong. I once asked Louise for three things, and I can’t be scared to ask for others. I have to take that leap of faith, because love is nothing without risk.
Do people really become stronger from pressure? I’ve always cracked, and it feels like I’m cracking now. Is this what the strong have gone through?
No one can promise that I won’t get hurt. No one can help me.
And I have to be strong enough to deal with both.
Assorted Daily Life
So yeah.
Got my hair bleached blonde. I’ve always wanted very pale blonde hair, but midtone is about as far as it goes.
Trolley, Aaron, and wheaties got me Half-Life 2 for my birthday. I didn’t have a chance to really play it until this weekend, but I decided to play through Half-Life: Source first, because it was four years five years since I last finished it, and going through the game again would help me appreciate all the little details being put into the sequel. The odd thing is that I remember taking weeks to play it through, whereas I started playing HL:S Friday, played a bit last night, and am almost done now. It’s nice to be able to sit and play through a game, taking my time, not having to worry about classes, or assignments, or tests, etc. This makes me realize that I haven’t really gotten into a game like this since I finished university.
Finally get to go for some pho with Loo today. We haven’t been almost two weeks.
Aaron bought me a quadruple/quadruple from Timmies yesterday, and it was good. I’ve been trying to cut down on sugar and creme for years now, so four of each being so satiating (almost candy-like) is very scary.
I took my first puff from a cigarette yesterday. It was a Matinee Extra Mild, and it wasn’t pleasant. I was stoned, and the weed tasted way better.
The Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex tracks that Number18 sent me are amazing. She rules.
Been busy as fuck.
That’s all. I’m going back to sleep.
Window Seat Winner
Yesterday I was taking the bus home, sitting in an aisle seat next to someone (the part of the bus where there are four pairs of seats, two pairs facing forward on each side of the aisle). There was a girl in the seats in front of me, with her bag next to her, preventing someone from sitting there, and two people sitting in the seats across the aisle from her. Eventually, she made like she was going to get off at the next stop, and put her bag on her lap. The guy in the aisle seat across from her (at an angle to me) saw, and looked rapaciously at the soon-to-be-vacant window seat. Then he looked back at me, and saw me eying the seat as well, and going through the motions of a Tarantino joke from Desperado (“Dick, glass. Dick, glass. Dick, glass.”), except with me and the empty seat. As soon as he realizes that he might lose the coveted window seat to me, he gets up and sits in the recently vacated space next to the girl to reserve the spot, before she even gets up to leave. Eventually, the next stop comes along, and she doesn’t get off. Instead, the person who was sitting in the window seat next to him before he moved gets up and leaves. The guy looks over to the newly vacated window spot, and, too embarrassed to move back, just stays next to the girl, stewing in the consequences of his error.
I could feel his scalp starting to itch, the way a sudden break of sweat starts to tingle the pores along the back.
And then I walked over to the window seat, and slumped down comfortably. Learning to never make assumptions and never be too anxious was easy. It was learning to live that by those rules that was the hard part.
I also touched some guys leg with my fingers later on, because he rudely shoved his knees into my legs while making his way to a standing spot. Nothing makes a man jump like challenging his heterosexuality.