Reversal: Part 1 (The Inexplicable Catalyst)

19. Have you ever been in love? Unfortunately.

—LBJ

Well, here we are again.

I used to think that love was only pain. That was when the only expe­ri­ences I had with love were bad, when every­thing I ever felt was unre­quit­ed. The fact that I felt this way was rep­re­sen­ta­tive of the fact that I had­n’t got­ten over those feel­ings at the time. How child­ish, inex­pe­ri­enced, con­fused, imma­ture I was. This feel­ing shaped much of my per­son­al­i­ty in the last few years, although I’ve recent­ly been able to come out of such an emo­tion­al block­ade.

Having a rela­tion­ship where most feel­ings, how­ev­er con­fused, how­ev­er tor­ren­tial, how­ev­er tem­po­rary, were shared, has allowed me to come to terms with the past. Such an inci­dent has ben­e­fit­ed me great­ly, has let me know that I’m not so numb any­more, that it’s pos­si­ble for such a rela­tion­ship to exist even if I may nev­er expe­ri­ence it again. Perhaps I was so scared that I would nev­er fall in love again that any such expe­ri­ence would have shocked me into get­ting over what had hap­pened in the past.

Now I embrace the feel­ing of love, embrace the fact that the sim­ple act of lis­ten­ing to a song can fill me such poignan­cy, com­plete­ly regard­less of whether it’s good or bad. Not only do I enjoy being able to care for some­one, I enjoy miss­ing them as well, as dif­fi­cult as it can be. I like the fact that some­thing can turn me ter­ri­bly, illog­i­cal­ly weak. Every emo­tion involved, whether it’s plea­sur­able or painful, fills me with the urge to write, to cre­ate, to express. This is what I look for. This is what I need.

Now only good can come of love.

2 comments
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  1. the best feel­ing is know­ing how strong a rela­tion­ship is, and nev­er hav­ing to doubt it.
    i think the biggest prob­lem the major­i­ty of cou­ples suf­fer from these days, is a lack of com­mu­ni­ca­tion. not to make my rela­tion­ship sound per­fect or any­thing (because that would only be impos­si­ble), dom and i tell each oth­er *EVERYTHING*. of course, this would­n’t work for every­one, but it works for us. and it allows us to know exact­ly where we stand at all times, and how we are doing, and how are pro­gress­ing. the trust is there because we have built it with our ded­i­ca­tion to be com­plete­ly open and hon­est with each oth­er.
    love is a beau­ti­ful thing.

  2. wow…you are think­ing so hard, I’m get­ting a headache all the way back here in Canada.

    i’m nev­er total­ly sure what your posts are say­ing but if i got this right then i total­ly agree. Its hard when you fall in love with the wrong per­son. Or the right per­son in the wrong sit­u­a­tion. But that does­n’t mean you should stop falling. It does­n’t mean that only bad things can come from love. :)

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