Reversal: Part 1 (The Inexplicable Catalyst)

19. Have you ever been in love? Unfortunately.

—LBJ

Well, here we are again.

I used to think that love was only pain. That was when the only experiences I had with love were bad, when everything I ever felt was unrequited. The fact that I felt this way was representative of the fact that I hadn’t gotten over those feelings at the time. How childish, inexperienced, confused, immature I was. This feeling shaped much of my personality in the last few years, although I’ve recently been able to come out of such an emotional blockade.

Having a relationship where most feelings, however confused, however torrential, however temporary, were shared, has allowed me to come to terms with the past. Such an incident has benefited me greatly, has let me know that I’m not so numb anymore, that it’s possible for such a relationship to exist even if I may never experience it again. Perhaps I was so scared that I would never fall in love again that any such experience would have shocked me into getting over what had happened in the past.

Now I embrace the feeling of love, embrace the fact that the simple act of listening to a song can fill me such poignancy, completely regardless of whether it’s good or bad. Not only do I enjoy being able to care for someone, I enjoy missing them as well, as difficult as it can be. I like the fact that something can turn me terribly, illogically weak. Every emotion involved, whether it’s pleasurable or painful, fills me with the urge to write, to create, to express. This is what I look for. This is what I need.

Now only good can come of love.

2 comments

  1. the best feeling is knowing how strong a relationship is, and never having to doubt it.
    i think the biggest problem the majority of couples suffer from these days, is a lack of communication. not to make my relationship sound perfect or anything (because that would only be impossible), dom and i tell each other *EVERYTHING*. of course, this wouldn’t work for everyone, but it works for us. and it allows us to know exactly where we stand at all times, and how we are doing, and how are progressing. the trust is there because we have built it with our dedication to be completely open and honest with each other.
    love is a beautiful thing.

  2. wow…you are thinking so hard, I’m getting a headache all the way back here in Canada.

    i’m never totally sure what your posts are saying but if i got this right then i totally agree. Its hard when you fall in love with the wrong person. Or the right person in the wrong situation. But that doesn’t mean you should stop falling. It doesn’t mean that only bad things can come from love. :)

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