I am a very confused person.
I wouldn’t consider myself a jealous person. After all, how can one be jealous when one is sure of oneself? It’s a contradiction to me. Almost always, in my relationships, this is true. However, a special case has come up, and I am jealous, an emotion I haven’t experienced in a long while. Yet there is nothing I can do about it. I can only sit here and take it. This isn’t something that I can change about myself. I am very insecure about this, and I have reason to be.
This jealousy nibbles inside me, creating an odd world of dysthymia. As long as I am jealous, I will be able to write and learn. God, I sound like something out of a Graham Greene novel. I was once afraid that I was becoming boring, having been given much in life, with nothing to write about.
Ah, well, let’s lay this issue to rest for today until I learn some more, and I can see the situation more clearly.
I do need to clear my head.
This one hurts.
God, I’m tired. I spent the entire day running errands. I took my kitten to the vet, which was a fairly painful experience. A bitchy, though red-headed, secretary “served” me. The appointments were an hour behind schedule. I decided to hold off on a confirmation of the name until I felt comfortable with it, which I currently do not. I’m fucking tired.
There’s something about a girl with long, slender, delicate fingers. They seem to speak of an intelligence not expressed in any other way. They way they move, the way they touch, the way they look. Sometimes dexterity is so simply an attractive feature that one misses it, while being drawn to other, more opulent features.
This kitten is so important to me right now. I think that this will be the closest thing to having kids for me. But as a human infant is dynamic and ever changing, creating a volatile environment of order, a cat is more static, leaving the possibility of boredom. This would be my worst nightmare. I hope I never grow tired of her. I hope “the novelty” never wears off. This life is my responsibility, and it will be the greatest test of my tolerance yet. Of course, there may be nothing in it; she may simply be a wonderful pet, which she is so far, creating a mutualistic symbiosis which I would gladly be a part of.
And, as one can tell, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m seeing somethings a little too far into the future, while I look at other things too unfocused to be viewed properly. If the jaguar is truly my totem, then I should be able to find patterns within this chaos, find some meaning in my present situation.
“a solid in the rippling water”
I’m extremely tired. My kitten kept me up all night. She took the middle of the bed, so I kinda had to sleep around her. I kept waking up, every time I needed to shift positions, scared that I would crush her. I’ve been playing with her during the evening so she loses a bit of the nocturnal instinct to go crazy at night. I named her Dolly, after Nobokov’s character Dolores Haze. I needed to keep the name under two syllables, and I think that it’s a good symbol of the way one can never tell whether a cat or human is the master, just as you couldn’t tell whether Dolores or Humber was in control.
I feel so unorganized. I have so many things to do it seems. Take care of this, take care of that. I think that I’ve brought a lot of responsibility on myself, adopting a kitten, applying for a Big Brother position, doing this and doing that. I think that I feel much more mature and important when I do all this. Perhaps it’s a cry for attention, but I doubt it. It feels like I’m suddenly being overloaded with things to do. I didn’t finish a single one of the three assignments that I had due this week. I’ve actually been losing sleep, which is an extremely rare thing for me.
I felt so guilty about those assignments. I’m pretty sure that I failed one of them. I just need to keep everything in perspective, something that Sam taught me so long ago it seems. Everything feels so chaotic, spiraling outwards like Yeats’ falcon from the falconer. Not that I think the Second Coming as at hand, of course, but things just seem so complicated right now. They’re nothing compared to other peoples’ problems, I know, but I’m not use to being so responsible.