This kit­ten is so impor­tant to me right now. I think that this will be the clos­est thing to hav­ing kids for me. But as a human infant is dynam­ic and ever chang­ing, cre­at­ing a volatile envi­ron­ment of order, a cat is more sta­t­ic, leav­ing the pos­si­bil­i­ty of bore­dom. This would be my worst night­mare. I hope I nev­er grow tired of her. I hope “the nov­el­ty” nev­er wears off. This life is my respon­si­bil­i­ty, and it will be the great­est test of my tol­er­ance yet. Of course, there may be noth­ing in it; she may sim­ply be a won­der­ful pet, which she is so far, cre­at­ing a mutu­al­is­tic sym­bio­sis which I would glad­ly be a part of.

And, as one can tell, I’m get­ting ahead of myself. I’m see­ing some­things a lit­tle too far into the future, while I look at oth­er things too unfo­cused to be viewed prop­er­ly. If the jaguar is tru­ly my totem, then I should be able to find pat­terns with­in this chaos, find some mean­ing in my present sit­u­a­tion.

a sol­id in the rip­pling water”

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