I’m extremely tired. My kitten kept me up all night. She took the middle of the bed, so I kinda had to sleep around her. I kept waking up, every time I needed to shift positions, scared that I would crush her. I’ve been playing with her during the evening so she loses a bit of the nocturnal instinct to go crazy at night. I named her Dolly, after Nobokov’s character Dolores Haze. I needed to keep the name under two syllables, and I think that it’s a good symbol of the way one can never tell whether a cat or human is the master, just as you couldn’t tell whether Dolores or Humber was in control.
I feel so unorganized. I have so many things to do it seems. Take care of this, take care of that. I think that I’ve brought a lot of responsibility on myself, adopting a kitten, applying for a Big Brother position, doing this and doing that. I think that I feel much more mature and important when I do all this. Perhaps it’s a cry for attention, but I doubt it. It feels like I’m suddenly being overloaded with things to do. I didn’t finish a single one of the three assignments that I had due this week. I’ve actually been losing sleep, which is an extremely rare thing for me.
I felt so guilty about those assignments. I’m pretty sure that I failed one of them. I just need to keep everything in perspective, something that Sam taught me so long ago it seems. Everything feels so chaotic, spiraling outwards like Yeats’ falcon from the falconer. Not that I think the Second Coming as at hand, of course, but things just seem so complicated right now. They’re nothing compared to other peoples’ problems, I know, but I’m not use to being so responsible.