Posts tagged with "writing"

Critical Emancipation

Sometimes it feels like I’m wait­ing for inspi­ra­tion when I write. Like I’m wait­ing for a spe­cif­ic mood, or a spe­cif­ic song to come on and guide me through an entry. Lately, that inspi­ra­tion seems to avoid me. I keep try­ing to write about things that I feel I should write about, instead of the things I want to write about. Every time I search my head for the prop­er mood or mind­set, it’s only mem­o­ries that appear.

And they sur­face like pho­tographs, each one a still frame cap­tur­ing an expe­ri­ence, expressed in sound, warmth, light, and odour. I’m on the streets of Hong Kong again, sur­round­ed by peo­ple, brows­ing through the knick-knacky stores with the heat of the sun soak­ing through my shirt. I’m skat­ing on the Canal, map­ping the imper­fec­tions of the ice as I glide across them, the night sky burn­ing with the orange of win­ter. I’m won­der­ing through the mall of my home­town, enjoy­ing the strange famil­iar­i­ty of a place I fre­quent­ed so long ago, hop­ing I don’t bump into an ex. I’m in uni­form, clutch­ing the lapels of my blaz­er, as I step out from the heat of grandiose wood­en doors into the snow-washed quad. I’m on the bus to New York, try­ing to fig­ure out which pas­sen­gers are com­ing or going, won­der­ing where my own jour­ney would take me.

I fight against these mem­o­ries, try­ing to write about some­thing more rel­e­vant. In the end, I write about noth­ing, and I can’t fight against it any­more. I have to write the things I want, inspired by the things I think. I have to let go one more time.

From myself, instead of oth­ers.

Post-Breakup Phase

Anyway, what I was try­ing to say is that I’ve been real­ly moody late­ly. Extremely moody. Almost on an emo­tion­al lev­el.

Another post-breakup phase. I go through this for a few months after break­ing up with some­one, but it only start­ed to hit me recent­ly. Funny how I’ve only now had enough rela­tion­ships to actu­al­ly real­ize this. I look at my month­ly archives from the begin­ning of the blog and most of them begin with some emo­tion­al, con­fused line. In fact, this entire blog start­ed as a way to vent these post break-up thoughts and feel­ings, until it became some­thing more than that. Now I’m falling back into that trap. I’m start­ing to do stu­pid shit again, things I wish I did­n’t do, after­wards.

Every day, in my head, I plan out my entries for the next week. Yet, every time I sit down to type, I’m nev­er in the mood to write. It’s just the same shit, over and over again.

The dif­fer­ence is that this time I know what to do. I’ve been look­ing for too much mean­ing in too lit­tle.

I want to get out. For the first time in my life, I’m sick of this win­ter. I want to sit in the sun. I want to be amongst oth­ers.

I want to lay on the track, feel hot steel scream­ing at me
Expose the bones on my back, let me show you what I mean.

The Healing Button

Ugh. I feel taint­ed. Moody. It feels like no one likes me. For the first time in a very long time, I feel alone.

I just start­ed three dif­fer­ent entries, but did­n’t fin­ish any of them. I’m not even in the mood to write this. I’m just sit­ting here with the lights out, two Candellas perched on top of my desk, and the first vol­ume of Buddha Bar resound­ing in the room. My head is numb, my throat dry, my cat unin­ter­est­ed.

This has become so bland. The same things over and over again. Where did my humour go? When did things stop chang­ing? Maybe I need a break from this.

Tomorrow, I’ll fin­ish this tomor­row. This is just a mood. I’ll explain when I’m not as tired. I’ll go to bed with this music on, dream­ing of quaint European archi­tec­ture and par­ties I could host to this sound.

Maybe I’ll feel bet­ter when I hit, “Publish”.

Moleskine

I wrote this on the bus this morn­ing:

I wrote this on the bus this morn­ing. I gen­er­al­ly hate writ­ing on the bus because it always seems so pompous. I don’t like to come off as some­one who thinks he’s an impor­tant writer, or as some­one who’s look­ing for atten­tion. Then I try to tell myself not to care what oth­er peo­ple think, because the fact is that all I’m doing is writ­ing in a note­book. And then I pull out my note­book.

The note­book itself, how­ev­er, may be the impor­tant detail. I bought a new ruled, pock­et Moleskine to keep track of my ideas. It cost me a pret­ty pen­ny, but I’m hop­ing it’ll last me a while. What I used to do was use a text file saved on my desk­top when at my com­put­er, or my Dominion Blueline A9 (com­ing in at a hefty 9 1/4″ x 7 1/4″) when trav­el­ling. The Moleskine is per­fect because it’s small enough to car­ry on the bus, and too small (a pock­et-fill­ing 3.5 x 5.5 inch­es) for oth­er peo­ple to read over my shoul­der. I can’t stand it when oth­er pas­sen­gers nosi­ly glance at my words.

It has a rib­bon to keep track of the cur­rent page, a small pock­et in the back to keep loose items, an elas­tic to keep the pages togeth­er and pre­vent dam­age, and some of the smoothest uncoat­ed paper I’ve ever used. Perfectly, all of the things I look for in a note­book. This does­n’t mean that I’m going to leave my A9 in desue­tude; I’ve rel­e­gat­ed it to keep­ing track of mis­cel­la­neous notes, lists, songs, etc., recent­ly the only task I have been using it for. The Moleskines also come with a lit­tle card in the back explain­ing an inter­est­ing his­to­ry:

It is two cen­turies now that Moleskine has been the leg­endary note­book of European artists and intel­lec­tu­als, from Van Gogh to Henri Matisse, from the expo­nents of the his­tor­i­cal avant-garde move­ments to Ernest Hemingway. Many are the sketch­es and notes, ideas and emo­tions that have been jot­ted down and har­boured in this trust­wor­thy pock­et-size trav­el com­pan­ion before being turned into famous pic­tures or the pages of beloved books.

This long-stand­ing tra­di­tion was con­tin­ued by writer-trav­eller Bruce Chatwin who used to buy his Moleskines at a Paris sta­tionery shop in Rue de l’Ancienne Comedie where he would always stock up before embark­ing on one of his jour­neys. Over the years he had devel­oped a ver­i­ta­ble rit­u­al. Before using them he would in fact num­ber the pages, writ­ing on the inside his name and at least two address­es across the world, and a mes­sage promis­ing a reward for any­one find­ing and return­ing the note­book in case of it being lost.

He even sug­gest­ed this method to his friend Luis Sepulveda, when he gave him a pre­cious Moleskine as a present for a jour­ney they were plan­ning to under­take togeth­er in Patagonia. And there was no doubt as to how pre­cious it was, giv­en that at the time even the last Moleskine man­u­fac­tur­er, a small fam­i­ly-run firm of Tours, had dis­con­tin­ued pro­duc­tion in 1986. “Le vrai mole­sk­ine n’est plus” was the short and curt state­ment of the own­er of the sta­tionery shop where Chatwin had ordered one hun­dred before leav­ing for Australia. Despite hav­ing lit­er­al­ly swept up all the mole­sk­ines he could find, they were not enough.

Now, the Moleskine is back again. This silent and dis­creet keep­er of an extra­or­di­nary tra­di­tion which has been miss­ing for years has set out again on its jour­ney. A wit­ness to con­tem­po­rary nomadism, it can once again pass from one pock­et to anoth­er to con­tin­ue the adven­ture.

The sequel still waits to be writ­ten and its blank pages are ready to tell the sto­ry.

Now I feel free to do this. Write what I want, when I want, where I want. I love writ­ing in this thing.

I’m back.

Self-Restraint: Tensility

Some peo­ple turn to pills and things
To help them through the day
To take them up or down or just
To ease the blues away
But me I real­ly want to feel
The ups and downs of life so real
Happy or sad emo­tions reign
My tears flow just the same

—Lamb, I Cry

I had been try­ing to write this for near­ly a month, but could­n’t get it down until I real­ly lis­tened to the lyrics of I Cry on the walk home past the pow­er lines. I decid­ed to split this up into two sep­a­rate entries, after real­iz­ing that I have two sim­i­lar ideas in my head, but two very dis­tinct issues. Perhaps it just took a few extra rough days of work to force me to think about this. All the things falling apart that I have to fix, respon­si­bil­i­ties, dead­lines, and tons of oth­er mis­cel­la­neous things are def­i­nite­ly mak­ing me think of ways to get the ten­sion out of my arms and shoul­ders.

Sometimes, when I come home, all I want to do is get piss drunk or mind­less­ly stoned. Maybe go reck­less­ly buy a bunch of things I don’t need, to make myself feel bet­ter for that lit­tle amount of time. Sometimes I just feel like doing some­thing irra­tional, even though I have no idea what or why, sim­ply because I believe it would get my mind of things. And yet I don’t do any of this, espe­cial­ly when I’m hav­ing a par­tic­u­lar­ly bad day, because I don’t want to be depen­dent on any­thing.

I don’t want to rely on nar­cotics, or mate­r­i­al goods, or self-muti­la­tion, or any­thing at all to make myself feel bet­ter. I want to be sure that I can han­dle things, no mat­ter what, on my own. I force myself to feel every stress­ful, mis­er­able, for­lorn emo­tion, so that I know that I can get through them.

Sometimes, every day can be a test. Music and writ­ing are the only things that I allow myself.

And some­times I have to tell myself that it’s enough.