Posts tagged with "writing"

Never Too Busy To Write

One of my great­est fears is that this will fall into desue­tude. I doubt it’ll hap­pen though, because I’d try my best to keep this in prac­tice, but one nev­er knows. I’ve been too tired or busy late­ly to real­ly write some­thing. Writing is an effort for me, some­thing I need to con­cen­trate and focus on. I don’t like to pub­lish hap­haz­ard mate­r­i­al. I’m con­sid­er­ing a break actu­al­ly, until things set­tle down a bit, but I think I’d start to get a nag­ging feel­ing about not post­ing any­thing for two con­sec­u­tive days.

As long as there is some­thing to learn, there is some­thing to write about.

Talking to the Walls

Why do I write? Mostly because I feel like it. I can’t write with a pen because a com­put­er allows me to orga­nize my thoughts much bet­ter. I choose to pub­lish my thoughts online. Yet I don’t write for an audi­ence, I don’t care who reads, I don’t know who’s inter­est­ed.

Does it take a read­er to val­i­date my thoughts? Not quite. I doubt I’d feel as good as I do after post­ing an entry if I just typed it in a text file and saved it on my hard dri­ve. Everything I write is post­ed and made pub­lic. So why do I post if it does­n’t mat­ter whether some­one reads or not?

It’s the act of pub­lish­ing that makes me feel val­i­dat­ed, not the belief that some­one will read it. My sat­is­fac­tion comes from self-expres­sion, not pop­u­lar­i­ty.

This is sim­i­lar to my style of dress. The clothes I wear are a reflec­tion of my mood, even though I don’t think any­one takes notice or actu­al­ly cares.

An exer­cise in expres­sion is its own reward.

The Lifelong Moment

The leg­less man in the motel room next to me
lis­tens to coun­try and west­ern music
all night, an end­less song
about going down on his knees
for some faith­less wom­an’s love.
I turn in my bed, think­ing of you the day
we thought our daugh­ter had gone
miss­ing. The moment
before she dis­ap­peared you’d seen a stranger
on the block, the kind who wore
a stained suit from the Sally Ann, the kind
who could­n’t know inno­cence
exist­ed. Our daugh­ter was sup­posed to be

next door, play­ing in the fenced yard
with two neigh­bour boys. You’d been
on the phone and I’d turned my back
on the moment to do some­thing
pre­dictable — move the gar­den sprin­kler,
open the morn­ing mail — acts
that would nev­er again seem so ordi­nary
once we’d made up our minds
between bur­ial or cre­ma­tion. Your body

had nev­er felt so alive as you took off
in the car, dri­ving down
every back lane, lis­ten­ing for her
glove-muf­fled cries. You drove

deep­er and deep­er into the kind of hell
we reserve for our­selves and nev­er want
our chil­dren to have to know. You knew

at this moment she could only be suf­fer­ing
in the hands of that stranger who would after­wards
stuff her trust­ing body into a sin­gle for­est
green Glad bag, then tote her to the park.

They would find her legs first, dan­gling
from the swing, shoes on the wrong feet
as usu­al, arms hang­ing from the jun­gle
gym. I’d want to touch, to straight­en
her turned-in toes: how clum­si­ly
we lived on this earth!

She was lost only for a moment, locked
in a spare bed­room with the two boys
next door, not want­i­ng their pri­va­cy inter­rupt­ed,
but in that moment when she was gone
for­ev­er, death in all his beau­ti­ful vari­ety
sang to us, off-key and aching
inside our cheat­ed hearts.

—Susan Musgrave, The Moment

After read­ing Things That Keep And Do Not Change, I delet­ed my poetry/prose sec­tion. There is noth­ing that I could ever write that would actu­al­ly be con­sid­ered as such. Susan Musgrave has put me to shame.

She writes so…ghast­ly, so raw, so erot­i­cal­ly, and so pierc­ing­ly. It’s unbe­liev­able how she can come up with the ideas in her poems; often it’s as if she’s lived in that moment and describes what she sees. And yet, one knows that she only cre­ates the images she talks about because of their very per­ma­nent and scar­ring nature. One of my favourite things about her writ­ing style is the way she begins with a very ordi­nary sit­u­a­tion and leads the read­er along with her thought pat­tern.

The way she sees the sim­ple things around her with such vivac­i­ty, the pas­sion and emo­tion she express­es in her writ­ten voice, the poignant way in which she views the world…she is some­one who lives life to the high­est degree.

And some day I hope to do the same.

Voyeuristic

A lit­tle while ago I put up an up-to-the-minute script that would tell me how many peo­ple were view­ing this page, out of curios­i­ty. It’s always inter­est­ing to find out that some­one is vis­it­ing at the same time that I am. This week I noticed that I had 3 vis­i­tors online while I was updat­ing. I was pret­ty sur­prised, since most inter­net surfers spend much less than a minute at a page before leav­ing (most will leave the page if it does­n’t load with­in eight sec­onds, a use­ful fact to know for web design­ers).

I checked my stats and found out that I’m still get­ting more than 100 vis­its dai­ly, which is some­thing that I don’t under­stand. I haven’t done much to adver­tise my site aside from a few Canadian blog list­ings, and only a hand­ful of the peo­ple I per­son­al­ly know check on a reg­u­lar basis. I don’t think I talk about con­tro­ver­sial issues that real­ly gen­er­ate any dis­cus­sion, or any­thing that’s very inter­est­ing for that mat­ter. I don’t pan­der to poten­tial vis­i­tors, I don’t cen­sor myself, I don’t address an audi­ence, and half the time I’m just vent­ing about this or that. I first made this site over a year ago as an out­let for per­son­al expres­sion, and the pur­pose has­n’t changed one bit ever since. I won­der if peo­ple come here by mis­take or look­ing for some­thing spe­cif­ic. I per­son­al­ly have my dai­ly reads (most of them female authors, since there seems to be a short­age of male blog­gers) of peo­ple who have lives that are very dif­fer­ent from mine. Most are just plain inter­est­ing, and some give me a few alter­nate per­spec­tives.

I wish I knew what peo­ple came here for.