Posts tagged with "university"

Emotion As Pain, Unproductive Days, More Music

I feel a bit bet­ter today, but not much. Rest is good for clear­ing my cache of emo­tions. Emotion is pain. Ground zero indeed.

I still had a great time last night though. There were 14 peo­ple at one point in my apart­ment yes­ter­day. I did­n’t get as much gam­ing in as I want­ed, but I sup­pose the host is nev­er the one with best time. I also sobered up before the night was half done, which was a lit­tle dis­ap­point­ing. We end­ed up order­ing five piz­zas, and an entire piz­za was left over. Everyone kept telling me how much they liked Dolly, even the peo­ple who gen­er­al­ly don’t like cats, except for Ian since he’s a hard-core cat hater. It was an amaz­ing night which I’ll have to do again.

Yet anoth­er day of absolute­ly no work done. I have many things to do this week, which is wor­ry­ing me, quite the flash­back from last term. I’ll be meet­ing with Aaron and Nick ear­ly in the week to dis­cuss our tech­no­log­i­cal busi­ness ven­ture. On Wednesday I’ll need to meet with my super­vi­sor to dis­cuss the progress of my hon­ours project, but before that hap­pens I’ll need to meet with my part­ner to dis­cuss what we’ve learned. Then I have three mid-terms on Valentine’s day, none of which I’m pre­pared for. Hopefully I’ll be able to pull some­thing off again like last term.

Sometimes I’ll find a song that I enjoy so much that I can put it on repeat with­out get­ting tired of it, although such songs are few and far between. Songs such as Anger Management by Lovage, 96 Quite Bitter Beings by CKY, or Acid Rain by Liquid Tension Experiment. I was lucky enough to dis­cov­er a band called Nevermore recent­ly, and one of their songs, The River Dragon has Come, is anoth­er song that just blows me away. The last time I found a song like this was last September, so I’m extreme­ly pleased with my dis­cov­ery.

The Daily Life And Daily Emotions

Energy from good and bad emo­tions fight­ing for dom­i­nance fills me. Why can’t I just be hap­py or sad? Why can’t you tell me bad news or good news? I’m left feel­ing uncer­tain and doubt­ful.

I got sort of shaft­ed for my cryp­tog­ra­phy project, so I don’t have a group any­more. I might just end up request­ing to do the project alone, instead of with four oth­er peo­ple. I think that I’m men­tal­ly pre­pared to go through with such a huge step, it’s just whether or not I’ll suc­ceed that wor­ries me.

The con­sole par­ty is com­ing up this week-end and I’m get­ting stoked. We might be going out to a club after­wards, or on the Friday instead. The rides don’t seem to be falling togeth­er too well, so some peo­ple may have to be call­ing a taxi to get their TVs over here. I might be rent­ing Timesplitters 2, cause I hear it has some good mul­ti­play­er action.

I think that I real­ized that Joe Millionaire is the sleazi­est real­i­ty TV show to date. Lying to peo­ple, no mat­ter what about, even if it’s play­ing on their super­fi­cial­i­ty or mate­ri­al­ism, is just plain mean. I guess I see it as being sim­i­lar to entrap­ment, which is ille­gal because of the moral impli­ca­tions relat­ed to look­ing for cor­rup­tion. And this show does it for prof­it. Yet I enjoy watch­ing. I think it’s how nice a guy Evan seems to be. At first when I saw the show, I did­n’t think it would work because I believed that the audi­ence would be sat­is­fied with watch­ing the last episode only, the love vs. mon­ey point being the entire premise. But the more I watch, the more I root for Evan, like a broth­er I nev­er had, try­ing to get that date with some cute girl he hap­pened to meet.

The most con­ve­nient Loblaws for me to get to is closed until the fall for restruc­tur­ing. There are actu­al­ly a few oth­er gro­cery stores that are clos­er, but none are as close to the tran­sit­way, so walk­ing to the bus stop with bags in each hand becomes a has­sle. I may end up going to a much small­er one with less vari­ety, or just doing some online gro­cery shop­ping.

I Can't Stop Watching Swingers

There’s some­thing about the chem­istry between Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn that sim­ply fas­ci­nates me, and although I’m sure the momen­tum of it spawned the painful movie Made, I still feel inclined to watch it over and over again.

My course load got eas­i­er this term, when I dropped a six hour per week course for a three hour one. Light sched­ules always seem to make my mind sloven, as if the load isn’t enough to put my mind in gear, so I grow rest­less in neu­tral. I won­der what I’m going to do when I’m out of school and look­ing for a job, some­thing which will be hap­pen­ing with­in the half-year.

For some rea­son, Dolly takes an invari­able fas­ci­na­tion with the brush­ing of my teeth. Wherever she is, she’ll stalk up to my loca­tion and gaze intent­ly at the act, hunched for­ward with the weight on her front paws. I can’t fig­ure out what aspect of the brush­ing she may find inter­est­ing, and I won­der whether she’ll ever tire of watch­ing.

Passing Grades, Movies Alone And With Friends

I found out that I unof­fi­cial­ly passed all my cours­es. I won’t believe it until I get the offi­cial tran­script.

I just came back from watch­ing Gangs of New York. I don’t think I’ll be going to a the­atre again any­time soon. I paid thir­teen fuck­ing fifty for a tick­et, when I could wait for it to come out on DVD and rent it for a third of the price. There was­n’t any­thing in the direct­ing of the movie that made me think, “Oh, that’s Scorsese”, which was slight­ly dis­ap­point­ing. Day-Lewis’s pres­ence on the screen, on the oth­er hand, was amaz­ing. His elo­cu­tion was just per­fect. I walked home after­wards in the thin, but dense, falling snow. It felt good.

I also watched a movie called The Center of the World yes­ter­day, with the delec­table Molly Parker as a lithe red­head. It was­n’t very good all around; act­ing was bland, sto­ry was bland and exag­ger­at­ed, cam­er­a­work was shod­dy (even though it was meant to be), but the sex was good.

I think I’m shmit­ten. Bad.

Dolly is get­ting spayed next week, so I’ll have to find a way to get her to the hos­pi­tal one day, and back the next day. I might have to take a taxi for the four trips, if I can’t find some­one to give me a ride.

I have a fair­ly easy term, since I only have three class­es and a final project to com­plete. There’s also the fact that I’m not work­ing, so that’s anoth­er dozen or so hours I’ve saved. I tried to take a course at Carleton instead, but it turns out that there’s no equiv­a­lence. It’s such a pity; my sec­ond attempt at gal­va­niz­ing some of the stag­nan­cy in my life has failed mis­er­ably, much like the first. I’ll need to look for a per­ma­nent job this term, hope­ful­ly com­put­er relat­ed.

Pressure

I just found out that I failed my last algo­rithms mid-term. It just seems like no mat­ter how hard I try, I always end up fail­ing. It seems so worth­less, all the effort I put into my school­work. Even all my study­ing for my cryp­tog­ra­phy exam will all be for naught.

It piss­es me the fuck off. I feel so angry just think­ing about it. This is my worst term to date. I have a good chance of fail­ing three of my five finals.

Sometimes I feel like I need this. I need to fail com­plete­ly, so I can learn to not do it again. Normally, I need to fail my midterms so that I don’t fail my finals. It cre­ates a pres­sure on me to do well, and the pres­sure works. But this is pres­sure on a much larg­er scale, because it could get me kicked out of the pro­gram.

It feels as if I need this big­ger pres­sure to get on with my life. I real­ly need some kind of change, some kind of inci­dent to hap­pen that can gal­va­nize the sta­t­ic that seems to be con­trol­ling my life.

Oddly enough, I seem to have a back-up plan for every fail­ure pos­si­ble; I can take anoth­er course to make up for fail­ing cryp­tog­ra­phy, I can take algo­rithms at Carleton if I fail it this term, and I can appeal my sec­ond fail­ure of net­work­ing to the dean.

And yet, every­thing feels so hope­less. I think I just need it to hap­pen. So that I can move on. So that there can be change.

So that I can get bet­ter.