Posts tagged with "reflection"

Resurfacing Morbidity

I ache all over. Snowboarding has the abil­i­ty to make mus­cles I’ve nev­er even known about stiff with sore plea­sure. I’ve always liked the feel­ing of not being able to move with­out hurt­ing in some way, as if I fought an exhaust­ing bat­tle with some mon­ster the night before. Even my trapezii are sore from get­ting my face out of the snow every 15 metres. At one point, I actu­al­ly unerr­ing­ly veered off the 50 foot wide trail, into a beau­ti­ful pow­der tree­line ditch, land­ing me waist deep in snow, upside down. I found that it was actu­al­ly pret­ty easy to ride both nor­mal and fakie with no expe­ri­ence what­so­ev­er, just carv­ing with the heel­side. The only prob­lem became turn­ing on the doglegs. At one point a school of lit­tle eight-year-old chil­dren weav­ing across the hill on skis were beat­ing Nick and I on our boards, try­ing to race straight down.

All in all, it felt good to learn some­thing new again, to try to carve up a slope on my heel­side, to hear noth­ing but silence from the muf­fling snow of the moun­tain. I real­ized that day-to-day, there is always noise. There’s the con­stant sound of traf­fic out­side my win­dow, or even the wind; silence has become anoth­er urban encroach­ment vic­tim. At one point, Aaron and I just stood on the slope and looked at the snow cov­ered lake, moun­tains, and peren­ni­als. The moun­tain is so big, we had to take a gon­do­la to a gon­do­la at the base. I was sur­prized that it was so chill­ing­ly cold; my eyes were water­ing just from the gon­do­la ride up, and my face hurt the moment I stepped out of the van.

We all orga­nized some kind of food co-oper­a­tion, so that we nev­er need­ed to eat out. Unfortunately, my roast end­ed up a bit too dry, and the scal­loped potatos too moist, but they were still good as left­overs. The lodge was great, com­ing com­plete with two bath­rooms (show­ers includ­ed), four twin beds (one of which I had to myself), and cute recep­tion­ists. They even had a wine bot­tle open­er in their col­lec­tion of uten­sils and an elec­tric oven, although a bro­ken met­al grill acces­so­ry that came with the microwave pre­vent­ed us from using it due to a flur­ry of sparks every time we tried.

I only did a half day of board­ing, and spent the rest of the time at the lodge that we rent­ed. It was pret­ty damn good to just get away, to play some cards and drink with­out a com­put­er around or school to wor­ry about. I even got some read­ing done. We watched some TV, played some Mao and 9–5‑2. The lodge had a pool and jacuzzi, which I was lucky enough to spend some time in. Some cig­ars were bought, but they end­ed up being pret­ty dis­ap­point­ing. There was much dou­ble fist­ing of the drinks, although the more mirth­ful dual hand action was when Aaron attempt­ed to inhale from two cig­ars through his nose.

I missed Dolly a lot.

Going there made me real­ize that I still have a lot to expe­ri­ence that I haven’t done already. I’ve tak­en a lot of my child­hood for grant­ed, vis­it­ing oth­er con­ti­nents with­out ven­tur­ing enough out­side of my estab­lished norms and pref­er­ences. I wish I could have absorbed more of the scenery when I vis­it­ed the World Trade Center, or paid atten­tion to the tour guide at the Sydney Opera House. Even some reflec­tion on the way there would have helped me appre­ci­ate what I was about to expe­ri­ence, whether it was the rich musi­cal cog­ni­tion of Hungary’s gen­er­al pop­u­la­tion, or even the fresh seafood of Hong Kong.

I can only hope that I am able to appre­ci­ate where I am now, what I’m able to do, and the free­dom I can enjoy, as much as I would appre­ci­ate the expe­ri­ence of anoth­er cul­ture or lifestyle. I think that every­day life should be as sig­nif­i­cant as the excep­tion­al expe­ri­ences, that there can be much mean­ing found in both, and I try to live my life as such.

Perhaps I can already die.

The Need For Antipathy

I seem to be struck with a great need for men­tal and phys­i­cal antipa­thy late­ly. Everywhere I look, things are filled with beau­ty, and I am unused to it. I’m not sure what has changed; whether it’s myself, or the world around me. It often feels like there’s too much to take in, too much to expe­ri­ence, and that I’m unwor­thy. I wish that I could be cold and bit­ter as before, so that I could feel bet­ter about myself, that I did­n’t feel so ugly and ashamed.

Everything is so much sim­pler when the world is black. My mind is made up, every­thing is sta­ble, I can cre­ate. Yet there is always some­thing that is miss­ing, some­thing that I’m always striv­ing towards.

Odd, that I should be look­ing for an end to pain, when pain is so com­fort­ing.

I think it all has to do with the fact that I’m still uncom­fort­able with con­tent­ment. It’s still an awk­ward feel­ing for me, some­thing that I’m not used to yet. Antipathy could change this, but I can’t bring myself to hate again.

My antipa­thy has most­ly left me.

Pressure

I just found out that I failed my last algo­rithms mid-term. It just seems like no mat­ter how hard I try, I always end up fail­ing. It seems so worth­less, all the effort I put into my school­work. Even all my study­ing for my cryp­tog­ra­phy exam will all be for naught.

It piss­es me the fuck off. I feel so angry just think­ing about it. This is my worst term to date. I have a good chance of fail­ing three of my five finals.

Sometimes I feel like I need this. I need to fail com­plete­ly, so I can learn to not do it again. Normally, I need to fail my midterms so that I don’t fail my finals. It cre­ates a pres­sure on me to do well, and the pres­sure works. But this is pres­sure on a much larg­er scale, because it could get me kicked out of the pro­gram.

It feels as if I need this big­ger pres­sure to get on with my life. I real­ly need some kind of change, some kind of inci­dent to hap­pen that can gal­va­nize the sta­t­ic that seems to be con­trol­ling my life.

Oddly enough, I seem to have a back-up plan for every fail­ure pos­si­ble; I can take anoth­er course to make up for fail­ing cryp­tog­ra­phy, I can take algo­rithms at Carleton if I fail it this term, and I can appeal my sec­ond fail­ure of net­work­ing to the dean.

And yet, every­thing feels so hope­less. I think I just need it to hap­pen. So that I can move on. So that there can be change.

So that I can get bet­ter.

You

It’s very hard for me to get some­one out of my mind, once they are there. I have some very odd ideas. My mind starts to won­der.

I wish it was some­thing that I could con­trol bet­ter. It’s quite an embar­rass­ing afflic­tion. If any­one real­ly knew what I was think­ing, I don’t think they’d under­stand. I always use my imag­i­na­tion to fill in the blanks, and it ends up dri­ving me nuts. It feels as if I need to imag­ine, in order to give myself hope, that my faith in human­i­ty can be renewed. I end up being frus­trat­ed at myself, and jit­tery.

Something which only music can cure.

Dynamic

I’ve nev­er shak­en while watch­ing TV before. Yet today I shook, I trem­bled, I bit my nails. A spe­cial was on 31 today called Bushido: The Way of the Warrior. I’ve nev­er been much of a fight­ing fan. Boxing has always bor­ing, pro-wrest­ing isn’t fight­ing at all, and UFC just nev­er appealed to me. For some rea­son though, watch­ing Bushido sucked me in. They had the best match­es I’ve ever seen before, real or fake.

The final title was fought between two large Japanese war­riors, and it was the one that real­ly knocked the wind out of me. The match was extreme­ly close, with one fight­er being small­er than the oth­er. The small­er one took a lot of leg hits in the begin­ning so was injured from the start. This dis­ad­van­tage, as well as his size dif­fer­ence, cost him the match, but not before he pulled off a scream­ing, adren­a­lin rush­ing, sit­ting-on-the-guy’s-ass boston crab and injur­ing him. There was one point where he had the larg­er fight­er by the feet when the larg­er fight­er was bel­ly up on the mat. They were both try­ing to feel each oth­er out, the small­er one look­ing for a sub­mis­sion open­ing, and the larg­er one try­ing to antic­i­pate the direc­tion of the move. The hands of the small­er one were tied up with the leg hold­ing, so his entire head was open to attack from his oppo­nent, which he did. Every time the larg­er guy punched his face, he got psy­ched, and kept shout­ing for more. He man­aged to pull the sub­mis­sion off, but it was reversed and he even­tu­al­ly lost the match.

I always find it inter­est­ing to know that I can feel some­thing dif­fer­ent, that I can react in a way that I haven’t been known to before, that I can shake from a tele­vi­sion pro­gramme. There are always things that I enjoy find­ing out about myself, because it feels like I’m not a sta­t­ic per­son, that there is the pos­si­bil­i­ty of change in me. Sometimes I’m sur­prised at my own con­fi­dence, or even stunned at the cere­bral­i­ty I’ve been able to gain.

If only my heart could change as well.