The Need For Antipathy

I seem to be struck with a great need for men­tal and phys­i­cal antipa­thy late­ly. Everywhere I look, things are filled with beau­ty, and I am unused to it. I’m not sure what has changed; whether it’s myself, or the world around me. It often feels like there’s too much to take in, too much to expe­ri­ence, and that I’m unwor­thy. I wish that I could be cold and bit­ter as before, so that I could feel bet­ter about myself, that I did­n’t feel so ugly and ashamed.

Everything is so much sim­pler when the world is black. My mind is made up, every­thing is sta­ble, I can cre­ate. Yet there is always some­thing that is miss­ing, some­thing that I’m always striv­ing towards.

Odd, that I should be look­ing for an end to pain, when pain is so com­fort­ing.

I think it all has to do with the fact that I’m still uncom­fort­able with con­tent­ment. It’s still an awk­ward feel­ing for me, some­thing that I’m not used to yet. Antipathy could change this, but I can’t bring myself to hate again.

My antipa­thy has most­ly left me.

One comment

Leave a Reply