When a man is full, what can he do?
—Zorba, the Greek
Or in my case, overflow.
I started crying in class. Thankfully, no one noticed. People can get awkward around a crier. Unfortunately, suppressing a good cry is as unsatisfying as stifling a sneeze.
A lot of people having been saying the wrong things to me lately. On top of that, the abundance of interaction I have with people — a side-effect of my projects — is leaving me drained and overstimulated.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s in my nature to be emotional. That trying to change this is like trying to teach a bird not to sing.
I don’t even have time to deal with this. I have to put it all aside, because there are more important things to think about right now.
At the bus stop, I realized that I have a tendency to brood. I don’t listen to happy songs to get me out of the mood. It’s all minor keys and lemon peels, so I can help it run its course.
It’s been a rough week.
Sometimes, a part of myself spills out.
It was one of those days at work. Things weren’t exactly going wrong per se, but it was stressful enough as it was. People were all over me, wanting this or that, undermining my decisions, interrupting my conversations, running around like their heads were cut off.
I kept reminding myself to breathe deeply (from the feet, as the Taoist sages are often described as doing) and calmly, kept thinking about the word tattooed on my wrist, and it worked for a while.
By 3:15, I had to get out of the building. It was supposed to be a three-song walk, but it ended up being nine. I didn’t even bring my coat; I was burning so much inside, that I didn’t need it. The winter slushed creeped up my jeans by six inches, but thankfully no one noticed.
Tyler was leaving as I was stepping back into the office. He invited me to an art show at Bablyon tomorrow. I told him that I’d think about it, knowing in my head that I wouldn’t go.
I had to stay late to work on the server. Fifteen minutes later, Tyler walked into my office (he must have walked part way, then turned around) and asked if I was alright. Admittedly, I’ve never been able to hide my moods very well, but I thought I was doing a decent job of it. He told me he could feel that my energy was low, so he asked if I wanted a hug. I politely declined, not because I didn’t appreciate the gesture, but because I didn’t think it would have helped. He gave me a firm pat on the back anyway and stepped out of my office.
And it helped more than I ever would have expected.
Those who rule in accordance with Tao do not use force against the world
For that which is forced is likely to return
—Verse 30, Tao Te Ching
I may know better, I may understand what I’m supposed to accept, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
Sometimes the world is crashing down around you, and all you can do is watch.
Because you can’t yell at the sky to keep it from falling.