It was one of those days at work. Things weren’t exactly going wrong per se, but it was stressful enough as it was. People were all over me, wanting this or that, undermining my decisions, interrupting my conversations, running around like their heads were cut off.
I kept reminding myself to breathe deeply (from the feet, as the Taoist sages are often described as doing) and calmly, kept thinking about the word tattooed on my wrist, and it worked for a while.
By 3:15, I had to get out of the building. It was supposed to be a three-song walk, but it ended up being nine. I didn’t even bring my coat; I was burning so much inside, that I didn’t need it. The winter slushed creeped up my jeans by six inches, but thankfully no one noticed.
Tyler was leaving as I was stepping back into the office. He invited me to an art show at Bablyon tomorrow1. I told him that I’d think about it, knowing in my head that I wouldn’t go.
I had to stay late to work on the server. Fifteen minutes later, Tyler walked into my office (he must have walked part way, then turned around) and asked if I was alright. Admittedly, I’ve never been able to hide my moods very well, but I thought I was doing a decent job of it2. He told me he could feel that my energy was low, so he asked if I wanted a hug. I politely declined, not because I didn’t appreciate the gesture, but because I didn’t think it would have helped. He gave me a firm pat on the back anyway and stepped out of my office.
And it helped more than I ever would have expected.
- Which is strange, because the last thing I went to see at Babylon was a Dwarves concert [↩]
- Something of an old habit of mine. Not being able to hide my moods is often a blessing in disguise for me, because it communicates to people that something is wrong. Otherwise, they’d never know, and it would never be fixed. [↩]
Sometimes it’s the smallest gestures that mean the most.
Perhaps it could be said that, paradoxically, it’s the small gestures that are actually big gestures. I think this is because the importance of the small gestures are in the (small) details and the thought, not necessarily the (big) actions.
I’ve inadvertently taken leave of your site for a few months, but now I’m back.
I think this entry may well provide you a lesson: sometimes it’s a positive thing not to hide your emotions so strongly. It seems there are people around you who care about your well-being, and you should call upon their support when needed (whilst, of course, being careful not to overstep the line into a kind of narcissism, demanding people’s love and attention).
Yeah…I know how unhealthy it is to hide my emotions. It’s an old habit formed from my parents; I had to keep my distance from them, because they would hurt me if I ever let them in. It’s rather silly, because, as you say, there are people who care about me and would want to know.
I’m trying all the time to fix this.