July was supposed to be my catch-up month. The one where I connected with a lover instead of being rushed to appreciate her at every turn; a chance to finish house projects and all the cleaning I’ve been putting off; maybe even time enough to go for a walk every day, or the patience to work on fretting cleaner barres instead of emotional doodling and clumsy interpretations.
Now here I am, half way through September. Heather and I are at war with our respective pasts, and waiting for relief. On top this comes her dad’s diagnosis of a metastasized cancer of unknown origin. We’re used to being strong for others, but the uncertainty of what may come makes us wonder if we’re truly ready.
If only my mind wasn’t already drifting back to those unhealthy and all-too-familiar thoughts. It’s hard enough letting go of the sense that everything will fall apart at any second. The depth of my struggle has changed me, and I’m still getting used to feeling unconditionally loved and emotionally secure. Thankfully, I have a partner who tells me every single day that I’m a good person, that I’m important, and that I deserve to be happy. Consistent reminders are what I need, however small, cause the recovery process is going to take far longer than I first thought.
We’ve taken to exploring the massive world of Tyria in Guild Wars 2 as a way of coping. Even when I’m away from my computer, I think of nothing but journeying to new locations, instead of the tiny problems that seem impossible to surmount at even my best times. I’ve always been an obsessive person, and my mind would be full of bad things right now if I wasn’t so busy finding the next point of interest, the next champion to kill and loot.
It’s a way for me to get through the difficult days, until they turn into a past that I can look at from afar. I know if I can turn the page on this chapter, I’ll have a opportunity to become the person I want to be every day for the rest of my life.
Our nights are filled with alliances made and broken. I’ve never been particularly good at negotiation or betrayal, and that’s probably why my house is usually the first to go in the Game of Thrones. I’ve become that guy who sucks and consequently poses no threat at the thing everyone is into, but still plays cause it’s always worth seeing the bluffs and calls, the bold alpha strikes, and the development of grudges.
I’ve never gotten along with the caffeinated, shaky, socially awkward guys who frequent the rare binders at the comic book store, perhaps cause they remind me too much of an adolescent version of myself. But this is our own version of geekery, with our own rituals, and the company is never anything less than entertaining.
Armed with Valyrian steel blade and messenger raven, for control of the fiefdoms and the king’s court.
Been living on too much sin and not enough sleep, though mostly it’s in the form of calories and sugar. Thank god I have an Asian metabolism.
Things are happening so quickly around me. Chris is getting serious with his girl. Pat and Jen had their first baby, a boy named Kyden. ____’s getting married in April. (What? Yeah. What? Yeah.) Funny how I’m starting to feel like the one who’s all settled.
It makes me fantastically proud to say that I’ll be assuming best-man responsibilities, though I still asked ____ who he was going appoint cause I never feel like I can take anything in our friendship for granted. His anger at my having asked was probably the warmest gesture I’ve had in a while. That means with the bachelor party, the wedding, and another wedding I’ve to film, I’ll be driving to Toronto three times between now and spring.
I’ve already lost ____ to an extent, as he’s only had about two months to plan his wedding, and he’s been busy with such. But even though our phone calls were my main form of contact with the outside world, I haven’t noticed their absence, or as much as I thought I would at least. I think I’m getting used to being so out-of-touch with people. There’s so much fulfillment one can find in a book or a movie or an instrument, let alone the vastness of the internet.
One of my ventures was making a trial World of Warcraft account, just so I could try being social at a distance, but I still couldn’t bother interacting with other people. And since the whole point of paying a monthly fee for an MMORPG is to have that kind of interaction, I stopped when I maxed out at level 20 on the third day. Good thing too, because it was the only thing I did for those three days.
I used to feel so guilty about being alone, thinking I should be taking advantage of some opportunity to be social. Then I realized that if I ever got too uncomfortable and lonely, I’d get up and do something about it. I’m too happy and too comfortable here right now. I think that’s why I can’t tell if this is where I’m going, or where I already am.
Darren and I crashed at the same time. It’s like we’re going through this together. I wish I was back in T.O. with him and Chris, cause some of the best conversations of the year happened in that car. We’re all in the same place, all young men on the mend.
I’m very pleased to say that Darren’s now the owner of a wild cherry sunburst Seagull Entourage Mini Jumbo (but with a pick-guard and cutaway). And I’m totally jealous, as I’ve been drooling over pictures of guitar bindings and rosettes myself lately. I had borrowed Jesse’s ginormous guitar for a bit, and I felt like I was pinned under a piece of furniture every time I tried playing it. It totally turned me off guitars in general, but as I was walking through the Ottawa Folklore Centre today, I saw a series of much smaller acoustics. I had to keep walking. The last thing I can afford is another hobby and another toy.
Got this shot through the lens of my telescope, which is why you can see the circular outline of the eyepiece. Big enough to make out the geographical features like the Mare Insularum splotch on the top left. Taken when still bright out, but the moon shone bright through the daylight.
I had a decent night of sleep for the first time in far too long, maybe because I’ve written more in the last week than in the three months before that. Strange how clear and calming and inspiring it is to be rested. I still don’t know what I’m feeling though. It’s like I just don’t know what to think anymore.
A ridiculous amount of Starcraft II has been played. ____ and I have even been playing against each other, which is strange for us because neither person wants to beat the other (out of sportsmanship), but neither wants to lose either (out of foolish pride). I was far more dominant in Warcraft 3 because it’s micro driven so we never did 1v1, but Starcraft is macro driven, which ____ is much better at. He’s proven himself to be a very worthy opponent with several good games on me. I’m so glad Blizzard doesn’t record the number of hours played in a person’s profile now.
I want to be in France in this season. My neighbours just came back from Paris and told me it was really foggy. I wouldn’t mind. Really. I’d love to walk down the stony path of rue Saint Vincent — the setting of one of my favourite Yves Montand songs — when it’s covered by a hazy mist and I’m sporting a cozy sweater.
I spend 21 hours of the day in my room, and I’m never bored. I don’t go out of the house for days at at time. I have neither the reason nor the desire to. I think I handle being alone too well.