One measures a circle, beginning anywhere

Been living on too much sin and not enough sleep, though mostly it’s in the form of calories and sugar. Thank god I have an Asian metabolism.

Things are happening so quickly around me. Chris is getting serious with his girl. Pat and Jen had their first baby, a boy named Kyden. ____’s getting married in April. (What? Yeah. What? Yeah.) Funny how I’m starting to feel like the one who’s all settled.

It makes me fantastically proud to say that I’ll be assuming best-man responsibilities, though I still asked ____ who he was going appoint cause I never feel like I can take anything in our friendship for granted. His anger at my having asked was probably the warmest gesture I’ve had in a while. That means with the bachelor party, the wedding, and another wedding I’ve to film, I’ll be driving to Toronto three times between now and spring.

I’ve already lost ____ to an extent, as he’s only had about two months to plan his wedding, and he’s been busy with such. But even though our phone calls were my main form of contact with the outside world, I haven’t noticed their absence, or as much as I thought I would at least. I think I’m getting used to being so out-of-touch with people. There’s so much fulfillment one can find in a book or a movie or an instrument, let alone the vastness of the internet.

One of my ventures was making a trial World of Warcraft account1, just so I could try being social at a distance, but I still couldn’t bother interacting with other people. And since the whole point of paying a monthly fee for an MMORPG is to have that kind of interaction, I stopped when I maxed out at level 202 on the third day. Good thing too, because it was the only thing I did for those three days.

I used to feel so guilty about being alone, thinking I should be taking advantage of some opportunity to be social. Then I realized that if I ever got too uncomfortable and lonely, I’d get up and do something about it. I’m too happy and too comfortable here right now. I think that’s why I can’t tell if this is where I’m going, or where I already am.

  1. Which I’d previously vowed never to play, knowing my addictive nature to any character-building games, and WoWs never-ending gameplay. []
  2. The max level for trial accounts. []

12 comments

  1. I’m breathing a sigh of relief that you didn’t join up for full subscription RPG play. I don’t want to find you on the news being reported as having starved to death in your home without noticing your depletion…. amid towering piles of cds and vids….

    All these people’s lives changing around you makes me worry for you. You’re not worried, but I’m worried. I’m sorry. I just am. Not in an auntie says you should really get married kind of way, but in an I hope you won’t regret anything way. Maybe it’s just because I wish I still had your time and youth: I do, you’re in such a prime place. I wish your world would bloom with an explosion of best color and freshness and step into something shining.

    Gung hay fat choy btw. Belatedly.

    • I hope I don’t regret anything either. That’s what I wonder about nowadays. But I keep asking myself, “What requires youth?” What would I want to do in 40 years that I’d only be able to do now?

      Aside from the ability to hold my pee, I can’t think of anything.

      • In youth we spoil ourselves by doing only what we find comfortable in doing. Myself, I regret not having ventured outside of my limited comfort zone when I was your age. Who knows, I could have discovered a lot more comfort zones, enjoyed life better, and accomplished more.

        BTW, not being obese doesn’t necessarily mean your healthy. Once you’ve reached 30, it’s time to watch your life style and diet.

      • So do you now feel that you don’t enjoy life as much as you should be enjoying it? And that it’s not possible to do anything about it now?

        I agree about the health thing. My cardio is pretty bad right now. I’m looking for a Tai Chi studio, but they’re decent ones are hard to find in Ottawa.

      • There were things that I wish I had done when I was younger, things that should have made me enjoy life better now. I guess it’s no longer possible because the window of opportunity is closed, or that energy is gone, and you are more ready to venture when you know you have something to fall back on — youth.

        Grease, and sugar are irresistible, but they can be deadly. Tea is better than coffee. It’s just a matter of getting used to. Persistence is the key. And hey, keep practising Tai chi.

      • Maybe I now feel the same way you do…like my energy is gone. Or the way I see it is that I’m happy enough with the way things are now that I don’t feel the need to venture forth anymore.

        Do you think that there’s a point where you could be so dissatisfied that you would do something about it, even now?

      • You got me. Maybe extreme dissatisfaction can be the ultimate energizer. Hmm, I’d give it some thought. Mind you, some say content can be destructive.

      • Further down you say ‘So do you now feel that you don’t enjoy life as much as you should be enjoy­ing it? And that it’s not pos­si­ble to do any­thing about it now?’

        YES and YES.
        But for me that has two reasons:
        1) I REALLY wish I had my 30 year old bod back, for energy and beauty reasons; and note also that all my male friends harp that they wish they had their hair back too, and their figures. Yes, even the Asian ones.

        2) Financially we become entangled in our careers and homes and things we can’t undo; we can’t relocate easily for example; and my means to ends is not the one I’d wished. I tried to undo my web in my 30s and wasn’t able to quite extricate myself. I guess you are luckier that way — you seem content with your work. Or are you?

      • I can see health and money being issues in the future. But couldn’t you always question whether you could be happier now, no matter what age, no matter where you are, no matter what you have? I’m sure there are plenty of things I could have done when I was younger to make life better for me now; exams I could have aced, things I could have learned. But by doing them, I’d probably have had to sacrifice other things, so I have no regrets about it and I don’t let it affect me now.

      • I think that’s true in your 20s …. I blew off a lot to live life to the fullest, and wouldn’t trade any of that. But by late 30s the jitters started about the future…. maybe that happens earlier with women?.

        In any case I guess you’re correct that you must be content, and if you are, all’s well. Just keep an eye open.

  2. hi, I’m just writing this to tell you how simple, yet awesome I found your blog.
    still figuring if I prefer this version or the previous (despite it’s the first time I’m here).

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