Posts in category "Thoughts"

Music like Braces and Bruises

Whenever Trolley and I hang out togeth­er, whether it’s a car ride or a ses­sion of tow­er defense, we queue up albums that we both enjoy. Billy Talent, The Artist in the Ambulance, Sing the Sorrow, Give Up. However, there’s one song that he nev­er queues up, that he always skips with­out any­one else know­ing.

He knows that I can’t lis­ten to that one song off guard. As much as I want that song for myself, to mean noth­ing more than a frail voice and bounc­ing beats, I can’t give up the mem­o­ries that I asso­ciate with it, I can’t let go of what the song has come to mean.

And it’s only now that I real­ize that it’s bet­ter this way.

The Uncertainty of Complacency

What do I have left to do today? I’m not real­ly sure. I’ll roll my frozen choco­late mix­ture into truf­fles tomor­row. I should show­er tonight. Fold up some clothes. Throw expired trans­fers in the garbage.

Sometimes it feels as if my life has become sim­ple, and all I have to do is turn on auto-pilot. I don’t real­ly have any­thing to wor­ry about. Money, com­pan­ion­ship, school, health, every­thing I used to think about con­stant­ly before have all ceased to be prob­lems for me. I even have peo­ple that I would con­sid­er friends.

Lately it feels as if I’ve reached a sort of equi­lib­ri­um, where any­thing can hap­pen but I’ll be able to deal with any prob­lems that arise. This is quite a change from before, where I was always wor­ry­ing, turn­ing over in my head the things that both­ered me.

It’s almost a form of com­pla­cen­cy. However, this is a sense of total com­pla­cen­cy, unlike even my pre­vi­ous com­pla­cent feel­ings. I’m unsure of whether or not this is a tem­po­rary thing, and how long it will last if this is true. Being com­pla­cent means that the excite­ment I used to feel, from the strug­gle to con­trol unde­sir­able emo­tions, to the ner­vous­ness asso­ci­at­ed to attrac­tion, to the sim­ple uncer­tain­ty of pass­ing a course, has most­ly lev­eled out. These were all scary things, but exhil­a­rat­ing nonethe­less. This com­pla­cen­cy is dif­fer­ent from feel­ing numb because it’s on a dif­fer­ent lev­el. Numbness deals more specif­i­cal­ly with emo­tion, where­as com­pla­cen­cy refers to life in gen­er­al, includ­ing emo­tion. This means that com­pla­cen­cy is not nec­es­sar­i­ly a bad thing.

I’m just not sure what to make of it as of yet.

Talking to the Walls

Why do I write? Mostly because I feel like it. I can’t write with a pen because a com­put­er allows me to orga­nize my thoughts much bet­ter. I choose to pub­lish my thoughts online. Yet I don’t write for an audi­ence, I don’t care who reads, I don’t know who’s inter­est­ed.

Does it take a read­er to val­i­date my thoughts? Not quite. I doubt I’d feel as good as I do after post­ing an entry if I just typed it in a text file and saved it on my hard dri­ve. Everything I write is post­ed and made pub­lic. So why do I post if it does­n’t mat­ter whether some­one reads or not?

It’s the act of pub­lish­ing that makes me feel val­i­dat­ed, not the belief that some­one will read it. My sat­is­fac­tion comes from self-expres­sion, not pop­u­lar­i­ty.

This is sim­i­lar to my style of dress. The clothes I wear are a reflec­tion of my mood, even though I don’t think any­one takes notice or actu­al­ly cares.

An exer­cise in expres­sion is its own reward.

The Lifelong Moment

The leg­less man in the motel room next to me
lis­tens to coun­try and west­ern music
all night, an end­less song
about going down on his knees
for some faith­less wom­an’s love.
I turn in my bed, think­ing of you the day
we thought our daugh­ter had gone
miss­ing. The moment
before she dis­ap­peared you’d seen a stranger
on the block, the kind who wore
a stained suit from the Sally Ann, the kind
who could­n’t know inno­cence
exist­ed. Our daugh­ter was sup­posed to be

next door, play­ing in the fenced yard
with two neigh­bour boys. You’d been
on the phone and I’d turned my back
on the moment to do some­thing
pre­dictable — move the gar­den sprin­kler,
open the morn­ing mail — acts
that would nev­er again seem so ordi­nary
once we’d made up our minds
between bur­ial or cre­ma­tion. Your body

had nev­er felt so alive as you took off
in the car, dri­ving down
every back lane, lis­ten­ing for her
glove-muf­fled cries. You drove

deep­er and deep­er into the kind of hell
we reserve for our­selves and nev­er want
our chil­dren to have to know. You knew

at this moment she could only be suf­fer­ing
in the hands of that stranger who would after­wards
stuff her trust­ing body into a sin­gle for­est
green Glad bag, then tote her to the park.

They would find her legs first, dan­gling
from the swing, shoes on the wrong feet
as usu­al, arms hang­ing from the jun­gle
gym. I’d want to touch, to straight­en
her turned-in toes: how clum­si­ly
we lived on this earth!

She was lost only for a moment, locked
in a spare bed­room with the two boys
next door, not want­i­ng their pri­va­cy inter­rupt­ed,
but in that moment when she was gone
for­ev­er, death in all his beau­ti­ful vari­ety
sang to us, off-key and aching
inside our cheat­ed hearts.

—Susan Musgrave, The Moment

After read­ing Things That Keep And Do Not Change, I delet­ed my poetry/prose sec­tion. There is noth­ing that I could ever write that would actu­al­ly be con­sid­ered as such. Susan Musgrave has put me to shame.

She writes so…ghast­ly, so raw, so erot­i­cal­ly, and so pierc­ing­ly. It’s unbe­liev­able how she can come up with the ideas in her poems; often it’s as if she’s lived in that moment and describes what she sees. And yet, one knows that she only cre­ates the images she talks about because of their very per­ma­nent and scar­ring nature. One of my favourite things about her writ­ing style is the way she begins with a very ordi­nary sit­u­a­tion and leads the read­er along with her thought pat­tern.

The way she sees the sim­ple things around her with such vivac­i­ty, the pas­sion and emo­tion she express­es in her writ­ten voice, the poignant way in which she views the world…she is some­one who lives life to the high­est degree.

And some day I hope to do the same.

Brain Scan

I nev­er talk loud­ly on my cell phone, espe­cial­ly on the bus, so that the peo­ple around will have no idea what the con­ver­sa­tion is. Actually, I rarely talk loud­ly ever, whether I’m just in class or walk­ing down a street, because I don’t want peo­ple around to know what I’m think­ing. I avoid try­ing on clothes because I’m scared peo­ple will know that I’m think­ing about buy­ing a cer­tain pair of pants. I hate ask­ing about an item on a menu because some­one will know that I’m con­sid­er­ing a cer­tain food. I almost nev­er run for the bus, because if I miss it, I’m afraid that some­one will know that I want­ed to catch that bus.

I sup­pose that it’s a lit­tle dif­fer­ent from what peo­ple get to know of me on a day to day basis. My clothes and my elo­cu­tion are both ways in which I express myself, but these are both things which have been decid­ed on before­hand. It’s the uncon­clu­sive sit­u­a­tions that make me ner­vous. I think I’m just scared that peo­ple may think that I’m slow.

It’s fun­ny that my mind con­sid­ers such a thing. I gen­er­al­ly don’t care what oth­er peo­ple think (unless I respect them, in which case an opin­ion becomes over­ly impor­tant), so why this? Perhaps I’m just sen­si­tive about my intel­li­gence.

I hate it when peo­ple know what I’m think­ing.