stability or stagnancy

I’m liv­ing a dra­ma-free life.

____ used to tease me about my dra­ma, con­vinced that I loved it because I always seemed to be cre­at­ing it. But dra­ma is just a by-prod­uct of the strug­gle when you’re dis­cov­er­ing your­self and try­ing to become the per­son you’re meant to be. It’s nev­er an easy path; oth­er­wise, you’d already be that per­son.

I don’t have bad days any­more either, but I can’t tell if it’s because I’m han­dling things bet­ter or if I’m not chal­leng­ing myself enough.

And now that there’s no more dra­ma, it feels like I’m fin­ished. Like there’s no next step for me to take and nowhere else to go, because I’m here. All that’s left is to enjoy this exis­tence.

That’s not to say my life is with­out a touch of inner insta­bil­i­ty. I still have mem­o­ries, thoughts, lust, and love, and they’re enough to fill the mind for an entire day. But now I know every­thing’s gonna be okay.

cats in sunbeam

 

Now that I’m work­ing from home full-time, I bare­ly step out­side. Living like Foul Bachelor Frog, cause yes­ter­day’s pants are today’s pants if they have the belt in them. There’s noth­ing for me out there. It’s nev­er worth the trou­ble any­more. I’d go out if I was­n’t so con­tent in my com­fort­able home with two cats and every­thing I need to sing or write or cre­ate.

I’m just won­der­ing if I’ll ever get tired of this.

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  1. I love your new kit­ten! He looks like he will be the per­fect cud­dling cat!

    • He’s too much so actually…he loves lick­ing my face in the mid­dle of the night and it always wakes me up! I nev­er thought I’d need a cat to be less affec­tion­ate.

      • Angela

        Haha! He sounds like the per­fect cat to me! You should think its sweet that he adores you so much. :-)

    • I love that music video…the grad­ing is so dreamy. Thanks for shar­ing.

  3. I remem­ber years ago when I was about twen­ty-five and in ther­a­py for the first time we talked about dra­ma. My ther­a­pist did­n’t under­stand me, thought I meant ‘bad things’ and could­n’t imag­ine how I saw the world as a back­drop to the scenes that were my life. That was dra­ma. A by-prod­uct.

    That’s not to say that mood changes, highs and lows and all the behav­ior and the effects that go with it aren’t dra­mat­ic in them­selves.

    I’ve always felt I under­stood a lot of what you wrote over the years. I’m 40 1/2 now and it seems I’m nowhere near where you seem to be. I’m hap­py for you and I find hope in that. Thanks for shar­ing so much.

    • The last time I saw my ther­a­pist (which was about a year ago), I told him I felt fine. He sug­gest­ed that I start see­ing him on a reg­u­lar basis any­way because he felt that there were still a few under­ly­ing issues to work through. So while I’m thank­ful that I feel okay enough that I don’t need to go, I still won­der at how sta­ble this is.

      I’m glad you’ve been able to relate. So many peo­ple don’t under­stand, and that by itself is enough to make one feel alone.

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