Jealousy As Insecurity As Love

Hey Pat,

I don’t know how seri­ous you thought I was about being the best man or MC if you ever get mar­ried. I know it may sound crazy, but you get­ting mar­ried is as impor­tant to me as it is to you. I love you, and I know I don’t tell you that enough. You are a true friend to me, and you know that I don’t have many.

I see this as a great oppor­tu­ni­ty to do some­thing for you, because you’ve already done so much for me. Let me take on the respon­si­bil­i­ty and sup­port you, to be there for you on one of the most impor­tant days of your life. I eas­i­ly put aside the dif­fer­ences I’ve had with any poten­tial peo­ple you may invite (I think that we’re smart enough to be open and dis­cuss this), because it’s about you, not me.

These things are usu­al­ly planned pret­ty well in advance though, so I won’t be sur­prised if you have some­one else in mind. I under­stand that we’re talk­ing about YOUR big day, so you should have the peo­ple YOU want involved in YOUR wed­ding. To be hon­est, I’ll be hap­py with what­ev­er deci­sion you make, because I’m hap­py if you’re hap­py. Bottom line.

In any case, let me know when you pop the ques­tion, and WE WILL FEAST.


I wrote this two years ago.

Pat pro­posed to Jen a cou­ple of months lat­er. Several months after that, they bought a house, delay­ing the wed­ding until this year.

Last week, Pat asked me to be a grooms­man and co-MC.

When I found out that Jason would be best man (as well as the oth­er MC) there was a tinge of jeal­ousy in my heart, fol­lowed by an over­whelm­ing sense of guilt about this jeal­ousy.

To feel this way was a bit of a sur­prise. Jealously has nev­er been one of my promi­nent emo­tions. It made me real­ize that I’m a lit­tle inse­cure in my rela­tion­ship with Pat. There’s so much good in him, com­pared to the hatred, dark­ness, and weak­ness in me. He’s not my oppo­site, but he’s the per­son I’m con­stant­ly striv­ing to become. Just being around him makes me feel elat­ed and relaxed.

The frus­trat­ing thing is that I know it’s his wed­ding. He should be able to do what­ev­er he wants. There’s no rival­ry between Jason and me. As studi­er of peo­ple, I have every bit of faith in Pat’s deci­sion. The log­ic has final­ly kicked in, and I feel a sense of warmth and secu­ri­ty about being up there with Pat, a group exclu­sive to a hand­ful of peo­ple out of a seem­ing­ly end­less num­ber.

It’s only now that I real­ize how self­ish and inap­pro­pri­ate it was of me to ask. Running around, mak­ing sure every­one is hav­ing a good time, giv­ing toasts, host­ing games, the duty of MC isn’t even some­thing I nor­mal­ly want to do. I only asked because it was a way that I could show how much Pat has done for me, a respon­si­bil­i­ty I’d take on glad­ly.

I’m scared that I made him feel oblig­ed, and I’m ashamed of being jeal­ous for that split-sec­ond.

Maybe that’s what love is.

Unfounded inse­cu­ri­ty. Jealousy with­out rea­son.

A feel­ing that over­whelms log­ic.


  1. love is far more than inse­cu­ri­ty or jeal­ousy.
    Those are mere whims of ego.
    And I know that you know that..already..
    love is with­out judge­ment..
    don’t be so hard on your­self for emo­tion­al reations you have to with­out judge­ment for your­self too.

    I cer­tain­ly ‘get’ that you trea­sure your con­nec­tion with Pat.
    An oppor­tu­ni­ty to give from the heart is a trea­sure as well. Nice to hear your embrac­ing it with enthu­si­asm.


  2. Those of us who’ve had so lit­tle healthy con­nec­tion to affec­tion often feel a bit grab­by, it’s nor­mal.

    This is just a mid-stage, soon to be replaced by the mag­nan­i­mous feel­ing that you would be will­ing to give up any­thing for your friend’s hap­pi­ness; even to the will­ing­ness to give up your own place in their life.

  3. @amy — You’re right…love isn’t some­thing so lim­it­ed as to what I said. It can be dan­ger­ous to inter­pret what love is.

    It’s still hard to accept my sil­ly emo­tion­al reac­tion though. As ephemer­al as it was, I don’t think I should have felt it at all.

    @Xibee — You know, I’ve nev­er thought of my reac­tion as the result of my lack of healthy con­nec­tions, but it makes sense the more I think about it. I just hope I’m not look­ing for some­thing to blame.

  4. I think its so awe­some that you are so in tune with your­self that you can actu­al­ly deci­pher your feel­ings from one-anoth­er. I think that is a tal­ent. And thank you for feel­ing inse­cure about your friend­ship, it makes me feel not so alone. I always though i was fucked in the head for feel­ing inse­cure in some of my friend­ships, but i think thats healthy as well. Im learn­ing that my def­i­n­i­tion of rela­tion­ships changes 10 fold with every new per­son that i encounter.

  5. It’s def­i­nite­ly not easy to do. Some feel­ings you just want to deny, or pre­tend they aren’t there.

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