Hey Pat,
I don’t know how serious you thought I was about being the best man or MC if you ever get married. I know it may sound crazy, but you getting married is as important to me as it is to you. I love you, and I know I don’t tell you that enough. You are a true friend to me, and you know that I don’t have many.
I see this as a great opportunity to do something for you, because you’ve already done so much for me. Let me take on the responsibility and support you, to be there for you on one of the most important days of your life. I easily put aside the differences I’ve had with any potential people you may invite (I think that we’re smart enough to be open and discuss this), because it’s about you, not me.
These things are usually planned pretty well in advance though, so I won’t be surprised if you have someone else in mind. I understand that we’re talking about YOUR big day, so you should have the people YOU want involved in YOUR wedding. To be honest, I’ll be happy with whatever decision you make, because I’m happy if you’re happy. Bottom line.
In any case, let me know when you pop the question, and WE WILL FEAST.
—Jeff
I wrote this two years ago.
Pat proposed to Jen a couple of months later. Several months after that, they bought a house, delaying the wedding until this year.
Last week, Pat asked me to be a groomsman and co-MC.
When I found out that Jason would be best man (as well as the other MC) there was a tinge of jealousy in my heart, followed by an overwhelming sense of guilt about this jealousy.
To feel this way was a bit of a surprise. Jealously has never been one of my prominent emotions. It made me realize that I’m a little insecure in my relationship with Pat. There’s so much good in him, compared to the hatred, darkness, and weakness in me. He’s not my opposite, but he’s the person I’m constantly striving to become. Just being around him makes me feel elated and relaxed.
The frustrating thing is that I know it’s his wedding. He should be able to do whatever he wants. There’s no rivalry between Jason and me. As studier of people, I have every bit of faith in Pat’s decision. The logic has finally kicked in, and I feel a sense of warmth and security about being up there with Pat, a group exclusive to a handful of people out of a seemingly endless number.
It’s only now that I realize how selfish and inappropriate it was of me to ask. Running around, making sure everyone is having a good time, giving toasts, hosting games, the duty of MC isn’t even something I normally want to do. I only asked because it was a way that I could show how much Pat has done for me, a responsibility I’d take on gladly.
I’m scared that I made him feel obliged, and I’m ashamed of being jealous for that split-second.
Maybe that’s what love is.
Unfounded insecurity. Jealousy without reason.
A feeling that overwhelms logic.
love is far more than insecurity or jealousy.
Those are mere whims of ego.
And I know that you know that..already..
love is without judgement..
don’t be so hard on yourself for emotional reations you have to things..be without judgement for yourself too.
I certainly ‘get’ that you treasure your connection with Pat.
An opportunity to give from the heart is a treasure as well. Nice to hear your embracing it with enthusiasm.
cheers!
Those of us who’ve had so little healthy connection to affection often feel a bit grabby, it’s normal.
This is just a mid-stage, soon to be replaced by the magnanimous feeling that you would be willing to give up anything for your friend’s happiness; even to the willingness to give up your own place in their life.
@amy — You’re right…love isn’t something so limited as to what I said. It can be dangerous to interpret what love is.
It’s still hard to accept my silly emotional reaction though. As ephemeral as it was, I don’t think I should have felt it at all.
@Xibee — You know, I’ve never thought of my reaction as the result of my lack of healthy connections, but it makes sense the more I think about it. I just hope I’m not looking for something to blame.
I think its so awesome that you are so in tune with yourself that you can actually decipher your feelings from one-another. I think that is a talent. And thank you for feeling insecure about your friendship, it makes me feel not so alone. I always though i was fucked in the head for feeling insecure in some of my friendships, but i think thats healthy as well. Im learning that my definition of relationships changes 10 fold with every new person that i encounter.
It’s definitely not easy to do. Some feelings you just want to deny, or pretend they aren’t there.