Monthly Archives: March 2003

Lonely Thoughts, Cryptography Presentation, Etc.

I feel…alone. I wish I could speak to some­one who could under­stand. I wish I could express my feel­ings the way I wish. What a per­fect time to write.

I’ve been work­ing on my graph­ics project all day. I have almost every­thing done now, with the cells co-ordi­nat­ing their move­ments in a 3D Game of Life dance. They grow and shrink as the rules dic­tate, and although I have some bugs to iron out, and some bells and whis­tles to add, it should­n’t take too long.

My cryp­tog­ra­phy pre­sen­ta­tion went alright. We did­n’t quite for­mal­ly rehearse, so I spoke for 15 out of the 20 min­utes allo­cat­ed to us, when three of us had speak­ing to do. We were fair­ly rushed at the end, but I think that we got our points through well. I felt that I did a great job at open­ing the pre­sen­ta­tions, and at explain­ing my part. Mike, Pat, Iain, and I went to get loaded before the pre­sen­ta­tion, but unfor­tu­nate­ly, the shock of the sit­u­a­tion sobered me up rather effi­cient­ly. After all, it was the first pre­sen­ta­tion I’ve had to do through all of uni­ver­si­ty.

I feel bet­ter after play­ing a few games with Darren. Somehow we made it under the 300th mark, with a 55–7 record at lev­el 14. I believe the height of my addic­tion was most evi­dent when I was watch­ing a movie where a man gets trapped in a bath­room by some tri­ad mem­bers, and the first thing that I thought of was the item box, and town por­tal­ing to a safe loca­tion.

I might going to the Dominican Republic when school ends.

I’ve lis­tened to some of the Tool songs off of the strings trib­ute album, and they’re not very good. The strings are great­ly lack­ing in ener­gy, and some­times bare lit­tle resem­blance to the songs they’re pay­ing homage to. One can tell that the com­pos­er is inspired by Tool com­pos­ings, but the instru­men­tal­ists are insipid in their per­for­mance.

The Honest Lawyer yes­ter­day was relax­ing and frus­trat­ing at the same time. I nev­er I had a chance to real­ly savour the fries this time though, since I felt so guilty about munch­ing on Wheaties’ last time. All in all though, I think I’d rather not have gone.

I’ve always thought that Beth Gibbons had an amaz­ing­ly attrac­tive qual­i­ty to her, not only from the dis­tinc­tive tim­bre of her voice, but also from the grace and gen­tle­ness of her fig­ure cap­tured in her pho­tographs. I’m try­ing out some of her lat­est side-project work with Rustin Man, and so far the sound has been amus­ing­ly unique, a mix of acoustic gui­tar with bit­ter­sweet melodies.

Occidental Fetish

When I think of the Chinese cul­ture, a very spe­cif­ic image comes into my head, of a father dom­i­nat­ed fam­i­ly, par­ents who don’t know their chil­dren, and closed-mind­ed indi­vid­u­als.

I think my upbring­ing has exposed me to such a one-sided aspect of Chinese life. Almost every Chinese fam­i­ly I’ve met is like this. It would­n’t be so bad if I saw the kids as grow­ing up and sur­pass­ing such lim­it­ed indi­vid­u­al­ism. And yet most of the Chinese peo­ple my age just seem to be falling into the same child­ish mind­set, a prod­uct of parental (mis)guidance, in my hum­ble opin­ion.

It almost makes me sick.

When I read about Chinese his­to­ry, I’m fas­ci­nat­ed about how wis­dom is held in such rev­er­ence, and how schol­ars are so respect­ed. The same virtues seem to hold for Chinese peo­ple today, except that they don’t tru­ly under­stand why aca­d­e­mics are impor­tant, or why one should learn an instru­ment.

I wish I did­n’t have such a lim­it­ed view of a cul­ture with such great his­to­ry. I wish I could be exposed to an amaz­ing Chinese fam­i­ly. I wish some­thing could change my view.

All of this has cre­at­ed such a dis­taste of Asian look­ing girls in me. It’s as if my mind makes an unfair asso­ci­a­tion.

I’m stuck.

Moody Days, Y'z Dock, Etc.

I’ve been rather rest­less the last few days. I can’t seem to con­cen­trate, or do any­thing pro­duc­tive. I think it’s the fact that I’m so odd­ly mood­less, that I don’t feel like doing any­thing in par­tic­u­lar.

I feel…dirty. I’m unsat­is­fied with my XP theme, and I won’t have time to pol­ish it until the sum­mer. Whenever I try a new theme, it’s either not sim­ple and clean enough, or it’s too bright. I’m using the nxPro theme right now, with Y’z Dock to replace my short­cut icons, which is the sweet MacOS tool­bar for Windows XP, com­plete with trans­paren­cy and 32-bit icon sup­port.

I actu­al­ly for­got about a geo class I had ear­li­er this week. That wor­ries me, because I’ve nev­er for­got­ten a class before, even through high school. Usually when I skip some­thing, I’m very con­scious of my skip­ping it. This is one of the class­es that I can’t skip any­way though, so I’m a lit­tle wor­ried. Maybe it’s a sign of my get­ting old­er. I’ve always found myself to be very “con­scious” of things, and I almost nev­er for­got about any­thing. I remem­ber my dad telling me how some­times he would peel an orange, and then throw the orange in the garbage and start to nib­ble on the peel by mis­take. Scary.

A bunch of peo­ple are going out to the Honest Lawyer tomor­row to cel­e­brate Aaron’s and Iain’s birth­day. I have a cryp­tog­ra­phy pre­sen­ta­tion tomor­row as well, which might con­flict with the time every­one is meet­ing to have some din­ner. I’ll prob­a­bly present my sub­ject (I think I’m sec­ond out of four) and just leave. I’m sup­posed to stay for oth­er pre­sen­ta­tions for peer eval­u­a­tion, but hope­ful­ly my oth­er group mem­bers will cov­er for me.

Making The Best

I went out to cel­e­brate St. Patty’s day with Aaron, Wheaties, Trolley, and Nick. I had such a great time, that I can’t even begin to explain. There were so many enter­tain­ing parts to the night that I would­n’t be able to recall half of them. We did some drink­ing at Aaron’s place before going out, and the pub we even­tu­al­ly went to near­by was dead. The ser­vice was ter­ri­ble, the atmos­phere actu­al­ly worked in a neg­a­tive way, with a ter­ri­ble DJ and drunk­en bums, and the beer was­n’t even a rich shade of green, more of a pale watery colour. A good time was still had though, one of the best times of my life.

At one point, Trolley was chas­ing Aaron and I down a hill, with Nick in an aban­doned shop­ping cart being pushed in front of him.

I came upon a sort of epiphany though, not only through the events of the night, but through the con­ver­sa­tions we had. Everything made me real­ize how sim­ple my life has cur­rent­ly become, how I live for noth­ing but my friends, and a bit of hope.

If I was to die tomor­row, I would have no regrets, about any­thing in my life at all. I haven’t worked very hard to get where I am now, which includes a very com­fort­able lifestyle. I have been very lucky. I’ve been able to relax, and take things easy, and still go through high school and uni­ver­si­ty with­out being held back for fail­ing cours­es. I enjoy what I’m doing, I think I’ll enjoy where the present is tak­ing me. But if my life were to end, then so be it.

I won­der if any­one would find this mor­bid if they found out. It seems like I’ve accept­ed my death already, although there’s always the pos­si­bil­i­ty of a death scare cre­at­ing an urgent sense of alacrity in me. I can’t real­ly see that hap­pen­ing though. Sometimes sui­cide does­n’t sound that bad. There’s just no rea­son to live or die, so I accept what I’m giv­en, and make the best of it.

Perhaps this is the answer, as well as the mean­ing.