Monthly Archives: March 2003

Moving Towards k

I’ve come to a point in my life where I’ve achieved my stability. That’s not to say that it won’t disappear once a new situation arises, but it seems that my loss of balance has given me practice in regaining it.

The future seems so uncertain. I don’t have a roommate for the summer, and I don’t even know if I need one. Everyone is talking about moving in with each other, but none of our leases end on the same month. I might not be graduating in a month if I fail any courses, a very distinct possibility. That means that my graduation ceremony would be delayed, and I would need to register for a summer semester. I don’t even give a shit about the graduation ceremony, but it’s not like I would be going for myself. I don’t even have a job lined up any time soon, something which I am desperately in need/want of.

Yet in the face of such uncertainty, I have been able to remain relatively stable. I’m not sure why this is. Possibly, the taste of good living I had last summer has created a kind of hope in me, a hope with no-strings-attached.

What an odd turn of events, that having a content situation (and even losing it) has made me “happier”. I wonder if it’s just a phase, that I’m still riding off a store of emotions, and that once the store in drained, I’ll become a bitter person. Somehow I doubt it, but one can never tell.

I can now safely say that I am a better person, although if history has taught me anything, it’s that anything can change.

And yet there is still a wish for change.

Days At Trolley's, Phases, Etc.

I woke up at 3:33 ante meridian and, unable to sleep, decided to write.

I’ve been busy. I spent the last three days at Trolley’s, sleeping on his couch, and generally staying up late playing Wind Waker. It’s been an amazing game so far, and even though it seems to be too short, it’s been an unparalleled experience. I met Adam and Matt on Friday, so we went out to Minglewoods and sat out on the patio, even though it wasn’t quite patio weather yet.

Dolly and Nala didn’t get along together well. When they saw each other, they tried to stare each other down. Nala’s tail doubled in size as she made a low growl. Dolly just hissed back. Apparently, cats introduced to the same living environment are supposed to spend around the first two weeks without face-to-face contact. Dolly stayed for a few hours at Trolley’s anyway.

My trip to Hong Kong has been canceled, due to the lung virus that’s been going around. Yet another time that my trip has been canceled. Visiting Hong Kong at least once more has become one of my goals in life now, something I feel the need to do before I die.

I am now official in one of my typical “Jeff” phases, where I start to freak out near the end of the term. Progress on my final project has been difficult, not something which is not completely (or at all) my fault. I found out that I was too late in requesting a marks shift in my graphics course, so my 35% midterm now counts. This means that I will need roughly an 80% to pass the course. Since this is my final term, I may not be graduating until I can make up the three credits. I believe I have a back-up plan, which involves taking a softwarre engineering course during the summer that I can use towards my total credits. I think that means that I won’t be attending the graduation in July. Things seem very fucked up for me academically right now, and I’m worried, one of the many reasons I can’t sleep.

I tried rock climbing on Tuesday, and even though my left forearm was dead from hitting the L trigger too much, I was still able to scale a few walls. It was a great time, something that I could definitely see myself getting into. Even the act of belaying is fun, in the sense of a trust exercise. It’s just not something that I can get into right now without a job, or any convenient way of getting to the rock climbing studio.

I Cry

I came home yesterday with a note on my desk, and it said that Dolly was being taken for a walk.

My first reaction was disbelief. I couldn’t understand how someone could just take my cat for a walk. I was beside myself with shock. I felt violated. I felt insulted. I felt terrible.

I hadn’t walked Dolly yet, for several reasons. First of all, I didn’t have her microchipped, so any chance that she gets away would be devastating. Secondly, I hadn’t decided whether I should take her out yet, since she might miss being outside too much after her first time. That was a big decision for me, one that I hadn’t made yet, but one which was made for me.

The most important point is that Dolly had her first walk without me. I wasn’t there to see how she reacts with the world, I wasn’t able to be the first person to let her outside.

I stood in my room for ten minutes in disbelief. I couldn’t even wrap my head around how someone could do such a thing, to walk into my home and violate my feelings in such a way. I put on my headphones, put on my fuck off playlist, and sat under my desk, shaking my head. This was the most offensive thing anyone has ever done to me in my life.

When the realization that there was no other first walk sunk in, I started to sob. The shock segued into depression, and I slumped onto the ground, pulling my hair, still in disbelief. I cried for a good while, something I haven’t done for eight or nine years. I cried so hard that my tear ducts felt like they were being sucked of their fluids and the walls were starting to touch each other. By the end of it, my eyes had the old familiar swollen feeling, and I was exhausted. I showered and tried to wash the mucus from my hair.

The whole situation has made me more fully understand how much I care about Dolly. I already knew how much I cared about her, and I appreciated her before, but I never realized the extent of it until now. I don’t see her as a pet. I see her as a child.

It’s also made me think about the nature of good and bad, and how much of a balance there is. I never really believed that either existed, since one bad thing generally spawns a good thing, such as murder helping to control overpopulation, or genocide leading to beautiful art/culture. Of course, I’ve never been through either, so my thoughts are quite limited.

I just can’t see the good in this situation. I can’t see how this can be anything but bad. I haven’t learned anything from this, one of the only possible justifications for it happening, and I have lost even more faith in humanity.

Seeing the good in this would be healthy for me.

Honours Project, Wind Waker

I’ve been getting a decent amount of work done lately. I’m pretty much finished my graphics project, a week ahead of schedule, and it looks pretty sweet. I haven’t had enough progress on my honours project yet, since my supervisor isn’t very good at giving directions. I’m pretty worried about my presentation for it next week. It’s supposed to be 15–20 minutes long, and I feel like I only have 10 minutes worth of material, but more importantly, that I’ve exhausted all aspects of the subject. The essay is supposed to be 20 pages single spaced, but I can’t see that happening with the amount of information out there on Rubik’s cubes.

The Wind Waker comes out tommorow at 9:30 am, and I’ll be picking it up before meeting with my supervisor tomorrow. I’ll be trying it out for the first time in the presence of Trolley and Wheaties, and possibly Aaron and Dina, during the night. We’ll be picking up some alcohol, and I’ll be staying the night there. Trolley has a car, so he’ll be able to pick me up, and drive Dolores to his place as well. It will be interesting to see how she and Nala will interact with each other.