Monthly Archives: March 2003

Moving Towards k

I’ve come to a point in my life where I’ve achieved my sta­bil­ity. That’s not to say that it won’t dis­ap­pear once a new sit­u­a­tion arises, but it seems that my loss of bal­ance has given me prac­tice in regain­ing it.

The future seems so uncer­tain. I don’t have a room­mate for the sum­mer, and I don’t even know if I need one. Everyone is talk­ing about mov­ing in with each other, but none of our leases end on the same month. I might not be grad­u­at­ing in a month if I fail any courses, a very dis­tinct pos­si­bil­ity. That means that my grad­u­a­tion cer­e­mony would be delayed, and I would need to reg­is­ter for a sum­mer semes­ter. I don’t even give a shit about the grad­u­a­tion cer­e­mony, but it’s not like I would be going for myself. I don’t even have a job lined up any time soon, some­thing which I am des­per­ately in need/want of.

Yet in the face of such uncer­tainty, I have been able to remain rel­a­tively sta­ble. I’m not sure why this is. Possibly, the taste of good liv­ing I had last sum­mer has cre­ated a kind of hope in me, a hope with no-strings-attached.

What an odd turn of events, that hav­ing a con­tent sit­u­a­tion (and even los­ing it) has made me “hap­pier”. I won­der if it’s just a phase, that I’m still rid­ing off a store of emo­tions, and that once the store in drained, I’ll become a bit­ter per­son. Somehow I doubt it, but one can never tell.

I can now safely say that I am a bet­ter per­son, although if his­tory has taught me any­thing, it’s that any­thing can change.

And yet there is still a wish for change.

Days At Trolley's, Phases, Etc.

I woke up at 3:33 ante merid­ian and, unable to sleep, decided to write.

I’ve been busy. I spent the last three days at Trolley’s, sleep­ing on his couch, and gen­er­ally stay­ing up late play­ing Wind Waker. It’s been an amaz­ing game so far, and even though it seems to be too short, it’s been an unpar­al­leled expe­ri­ence. I met Adam and Matt on Friday, so we went out to Minglewoods and sat out on the patio, even though it wasn’t quite patio weather yet.

Dolly and Nala didn’t get along together well. When they saw each other, they tried to stare each other down. Nala’s tail dou­bled in size as she made a low growl. Dolly just hissed back. Apparently, cats intro­duced to the same liv­ing envi­ron­ment are sup­posed to spend around the first two weeks with­out face-to-face con­tact. Dolly stayed for a few hours at Trolley’s anyway.

My trip to Hong Kong has been can­celed, due to the lung virus that’s been going around. Yet another time that my trip has been can­celed. Visiting Hong Kong at least once more has become one of my goals in life now, some­thing I feel the need to do before I die.

I am now offi­cial in one of my typ­i­cal “Jeff” phases, where I start to freak out near the end of the term. Progress on my final project has been dif­fi­cult, not some­thing which is not com­pletely (or at all) my fault. I found out that I was too late in request­ing a marks shift in my graph­ics course, so my 35% midterm now counts. This means that I will need roughly an 80% to pass the course. Since this is my final term, I may not be grad­u­at­ing until I can make up the three cred­its. I believe I have a back-up plan, which involves tak­ing a soft­warre engi­neer­ing course dur­ing the sum­mer that I can use towards my total cred­its. I think that means that I won’t be attend­ing the grad­u­a­tion in July. Things seem very fucked up for me aca­d­e­m­i­cally right now, and I’m wor­ried, one of the many rea­sons I can’t sleep.

I tried rock climb­ing on Tuesday, and even though my left fore­arm was dead from hit­ting the L trig­ger too much, I was still able to scale a few walls. It was a great time, some­thing that I could def­i­nitely see myself get­ting into. Even the act of belay­ing is fun, in the sense of a trust exer­cise. It’s just not some­thing that I can get into right now with­out a job, or any con­ve­nient way of get­ting to the rock climb­ing studio.

I Cry

I came home yes­ter­day with a note on my desk, and it said that Dolly was being taken for a walk.

My first reac­tion was dis­be­lief. I couldn’t under­stand how some­one could just take my cat for a walk. I was beside myself with shock. I felt vio­lated. I felt insulted. I felt terrible.

I hadn’t walked Dolly yet, for sev­eral rea­sons. First of all, I didn’t have her microchipped, so any chance that she gets away would be dev­as­tat­ing. Secondly, I hadn’t decided whether I should take her out yet, since she might miss being out­side too much after her first time. That was a big deci­sion for me, one that I hadn’t made yet, but one which was made for me.

The most impor­tant point is that Dolly had her first walk with­out me. I wasn’t there to see how she reacts with the world, I wasn’t able to be the first per­son to let her outside.

I stood in my room for ten min­utes in dis­be­lief. I couldn’t even wrap my head around how some­one could do such a thing, to walk into my home and vio­late my feel­ings in such a way. I put on my head­phones, put on my fuck off playlist, and sat under my desk, shak­ing my head. This was the most offen­sive thing any­one has ever done to me in my life.

When the real­iza­tion that there was no other first walk sunk in, I started to sob. The shock segued into depres­sion, and I slumped onto the ground, pulling my hair, still in dis­be­lief. I cried for a good while, some­thing I haven’t done for eight or nine years. I cried so hard that my tear ducts felt like they were being sucked of their flu­ids and the walls were start­ing to touch each other. By the end of it, my eyes had the old famil­iar swollen feel­ing, and I was exhausted. I show­ered and tried to wash the mucus from my hair.

The whole sit­u­a­tion has made me more fully under­stand how much I care about Dolly. I already knew how much I cared about her, and I appre­ci­ated her before, but I never real­ized the extent of it until now. I don’t see her as a pet. I see her as a child.

It’s also made me think about the nature of good and bad, and how much of a bal­ance there is. I never really believed that either existed, since one bad thing gen­er­ally spawns a good thing, such as mur­der help­ing to con­trol over­pop­u­la­tion, or geno­cide lead­ing to beau­ti­ful art/culture. Of course, I’ve never been through either, so my thoughts are quite limited.

I just can’t see the good in this sit­u­a­tion. I can’t see how this can be any­thing but bad. I haven’t learned any­thing from this, one of the only pos­si­ble jus­ti­fi­ca­tions for it hap­pen­ing, and I have lost even more faith in humanity.

Seeing the good in this would be healthy for me.

Honours Project, Wind Waker

I’ve been get­ting a decent amount of work done lately. I’m pretty much fin­ished my graph­ics project, a week ahead of sched­ule, and it looks pretty sweet. I haven’t had enough progress on my hon­ours project yet, since my super­vi­sor isn’t very good at giv­ing direc­tions. I’m pretty wor­ried about my pre­sen­ta­tion for it next week. It’s sup­posed to be 15–20 min­utes long, and I feel like I only have 10 min­utes worth of mate­r­ial, but more impor­tantly, that I’ve exhausted all aspects of the sub­ject. The essay is sup­posed to be 20 pages sin­gle spaced, but I can’t see that hap­pen­ing with the amount of infor­ma­tion out there on Rubik’s cubes.

The Wind Waker comes out tom­morow at 9:30 am, and I’ll be pick­ing it up before meet­ing with my super­vi­sor tomor­row. I’ll be try­ing it out for the first time in the pres­ence of Trolley and Wheaties, and pos­si­bly Aaron and Dina, dur­ing the night. We’ll be pick­ing up some alco­hol, and I’ll be stay­ing the night there. Trolley has a car, so he’ll be able to pick me up, and drive Dolores to his place as well. It will be inter­est­ing to see how she and Nala will inter­act with each other.