I came home yesterday with a note on my desk, and it said that Dolly was being taken for a walk.
My first reaction was disbelief. I couldn’t understand how someone could just take my cat for a walk. I was beside myself with shock. I felt violated. I felt insulted. I felt terrible.
I hadn’t walked Dolly yet, for several reasons. First of all, I didn’t have her microchipped, so any chance that she gets away would be devastating. Secondly, I hadn’t decided whether I should take her out yet, since she might miss being outside too much after her first time. That was a big decision for me, one that I hadn’t made yet, but one which was made for me.
The most important point is that Dolly had her first walk without me. I wasn’t there to see how she reacts with the world, I wasn’t able to be the first person to let her outside.
I stood in my room for ten minutes in disbelief. I couldn’t even wrap my head around how someone could do such a thing, to walk into my home and violate my feelings in such a way. I put on my headphones, put on my fuck off playlist, and sat under my desk, shaking my head. This was the most offensive thing anyone has ever done to me in my life.
When the realization that there was no other first walk sunk in, I started to sob. The shock segued into depression, and I slumped onto the ground, pulling my hair, still in disbelief. I cried for a good while, something I haven’t done for eight or nine years. I cried so hard that my tear ducts felt like they were being sucked of their fluids and the walls were starting to touch each other. By the end of it, my eyes had the old familiar swollen feeling, and I was exhausted. I showered and tried to wash the mucus from my hair.
The whole situation has made me more fully understand how much I care about Dolly. I already knew how much I cared about her, and I appreciated her before, but I never realized the extent of it until now. I don’t see her as a pet. I see her as a child.
It’s also made me think about the nature of good and bad, and how much of a balance there is. I never really believed that either existed, since one bad thing generally spawns a good thing, such as murder helping to control overpopulation, or genocide leading to beautiful art/culture. Of course, I’ve never been through either, so my thoughts are quite limited.
I just can’t see the good in this situation. I can’t see how this can be anything but bad. I haven’t learned anything from this, one of the only possible justifications for it happening, and I have lost even more faith in humanity.
Seeing the good in this would be healthy for me.