Monthly Archives: February 2003

33% Less Salt, Schoolwork, And More Games

I’ve been try­ing the reg­u­lar Maple Leaf bacon recent­ly, instead of the 33% less salt I nor­mal­ly buy. I want­ed to see what I was miss­ing out on, and it turns out that it’s just the salt. The bacon does taste bet­ter (it is salt after all), but that’s about it. I’ll prob­a­bly switch back to my less unhealthy bacon next time I go shop­ping.

I still haven’t been able to accom­plish a sin­gle bit of school­work so far in the week. Aaron, Trolley, and Dougie were all inter­est­ed in my OpenGL assign­ment, so I feel like I’m more inspired to work on it to show them what can be done, maybe make them proud of me. I’d def­i­nite­ly want to cre­ate some­thing that they would find amaz­ing. Almost like quan­tum par­ti­cle observers.

I’ve been get­ting a boon of games late­ly, such as Battlefield 1942. Battlefield 1942 plays fair­ly well, with decent bot sup­port, but some­times runs at ter­ri­ble speeds, even on high-end machines. The mul­ti­play­er poten­tial is amaz­ing though. Pat also loaned me his PS2 for the week, so I’ve been try­ing to get through MGS2 as fast as I can. I have to admit that hid­ing in card­board box­es is the best part of the game, which is say­ing a lot, con­sid­er­ing how good a game MGS2 is.

My Turn

Darren and I were talk­ing about the unre­quit­ed feel­ings we’ve expe­ri­enced, and he asked me if I ever felt like no oth­er per­son could ever match up to the per­son I felt the strongest about. I was­n’t quite sure what to say. I was afraid of the truth, and I did­n’t want to admit it to myself.

I real­ize that it’s some­thing I have to face, because it has affect­ed my rela­tion­ships.

Yes, I am very scared.

Sometimes I feel emo­tion­al­ly numb, as if I’ll nev­er have the same feel­ings again. Infatuations end up being sil­ly fris­sons. I’m not sure whether it was the inten­si­ty of my feel­ing, the fact that it was sim­ply the first time, or even if it’s the fact that I haven’t met the right per­son yet.

It ter­ri­fies me when a female has many qual­i­ties that I feel are impor­tant for a rela­tion­ship, but I have no feel­ings for them. It makes me think that I have some set of lofty stan­dards that can’t be met. I feel hor­ri­ble about it. I feel like a mon­ster.

How can I know what I feel is true? How can one be sure of such fick­le, con­scious­ness alter­ing emo­tions? It’s so dif­fi­cult to remain cere­bral in such cir­cum­stances, espe­cial­ly when the absence of such an adjec­tive is what defines such emo­tions.

I’m bare­ly scratch­ing the sur­face on a sub­ject I have so lit­tle expe­ri­ence about. What can some­one like me say about such things? I should hum­ble myself to oth­ers. I only know that I’m scared.

I’m scared that I’ll nev­er fall in love again.

Ground Zero

I feel jit­tery. I feel ner­vous. I feel like I’m at ground zero, yet again. I must write.

I end­ed up get­ting gro­ceries on Monday, at the most con­ve­nient Loblaws still open. It’s at a decent loca­tion, and right on the tran­sit­way, but much small­er than the Loblaws I used to fre­quent. That’s alright though, since it just means that I can’t pick up lawn fur­ni­ture or air hock­ey tables in the bulk buy­ers sec­tion.

I’ve been relax­ing too much dur­ing read­ing week. I’m not sure how much work I should attempt to get done in the next few days. On the one hand, I see it as a break, and that I should be doing noth­ing but relax­ing. On the oth­er hand, I also see it as catch-up week, which is the way most of my friends are view­ing it as well, mak­ing me feel guilty that I plan on hav­ing a supine mood through most of the week. I’ll be try­ing to study with Aaron tomor­row though, so hope­ful­ly his work eth­ic will rub off on me.

I final­ly found a word for non-phys­i­cal affin­i­ty (as opposed to a phys­i­cal affin­i­ty, which would be “fetish”): propen­si­ty. It’s too bad that propen­si­ty does­n’t have the same sex­u­al con­no­ta­tion asso­ci­at­ed with it, but then again, I must be the only per­son I know that gets turned on by some­one’s per­son­al­i­ty or actions.

I’ve been liv­ing out of my Banana Republic hood­ie late­ly. It’s the hood­ie I’ve felt the most com­fort­able in; the sleeves are nice and long, the mate­r­i­al is a sort of soft, smooth cot­ton, and the hood isn’t too stiff. I wish there was a Banana Republic some­where in this city. I’ve always liked the qual­i­ty of their mate­ri­als, the semi-for­mal look of their casu­al clothes.