My Turn

Darren and I were talk­ing about the unre­quit­ed feel­ings we’ve expe­ri­enced, and he asked me if I ever felt like no oth­er per­son could ever match up to the per­son I felt the strongest about. I was­n’t quite sure what to say. I was afraid of the truth, and I did­n’t want to admit it to myself.

I real­ize that it’s some­thing I have to face, because it has affect­ed my rela­tion­ships.

Yes, I am very scared.

Sometimes I feel emo­tion­al­ly numb, as if I’ll nev­er have the same feel­ings again. Infatuations end up being sil­ly fris­sons. I’m not sure whether it was the inten­si­ty of my feel­ing, the fact that it was sim­ply the first time, or even if it’s the fact that I haven’t met the right per­son yet.

It ter­ri­fies me when a female has many qual­i­ties that I feel are impor­tant for a rela­tion­ship, but I have no feel­ings for them. It makes me think that I have some set of lofty stan­dards that can’t be met. I feel hor­ri­ble about it. I feel like a mon­ster.

How can I know what I feel is true? How can one be sure of such fick­le, con­scious­ness alter­ing emo­tions? It’s so dif­fi­cult to remain cere­bral in such cir­cum­stances, espe­cial­ly when the absence of such an adjec­tive is what defines such emo­tions.

I’m bare­ly scratch­ing the sur­face on a sub­ject I have so lit­tle expe­ri­ence about. What can some­one like me say about such things? I should hum­ble myself to oth­ers. I only know that I’m scared.

I’m scared that I’ll nev­er fall in love again.

Leave a Reply