My Turn

Darren and I were talking about the unrequited feelings we’ve experienced, and he asked me if I ever felt like no other person could ever match up to the person I felt the strongest about. I wasn’t quite sure what to say. I was afraid of the truth, and I didn’t want to admit it to myself.

I realize that it’s something I have to face, because it has affected my relationships.

Yes, I am very scared.

Sometimes I feel emotionally numb, as if I’ll never have the same feelings again. Infatuations end up being silly frissons. I’m not sure whether it was the intensity of my feeling, the fact that it was simply the first time, or even if it’s the fact that I haven’t met the right person yet.

It terrifies me when a female has many qualities that I feel are important for a relationship, but I have no feelings for them. It makes me think that I have some set of lofty standards that can’t be met. I feel horrible about it. I feel like a monster.

How can I know what I feel is true? How can one be sure of such fickle, consciousness altering emotions? It’s so difficult to remain cerebral in such circumstances, especially when the absence of such an adjective is what defines such emotions.

I’m barely scratching the surface on a subject I have so little experience about. What can someone like me say about such things? I should humble myself to others. I only know that I’m scared.

I’m scared that I’ll never fall in love again.

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