This would be it.
Does no one talk anymore? It feels as if everyone needs to be doing something in order to be entertained. I remember trying to get together with an old friend for some drinks, maybe a coffee so that I could find out how he was doing. We were good friends in high school, and since I hadn’t seen him in three years, I thought it would be a good opportunity to learn about what he had been doing. When we were actually able to get together, we ended up playing board games. I had a good time, but it felt odd that I didn’t have any news from him by the time I left.
I understand that most people are busy with school, especially in fourth year, so that relaxation time ends up being hard-core playing and drinking time, which doesn’t involve something as lackadaisical as talking. I’ve been able to meet some good conversationalists, like Dina, Pat, Aaron, or Nick, but they’re generally too busy to speak with. I don’t think anyone is at fault here, I guess I just wish that more people would be interested in conversation, who could commit more time to it.
I think it’s the fact that my brain is exercised when I can talk with someone. Many thoughts that are cloudy in my head become more solidified. I’m also able to learn so much when someone has a different perspective, and learning feels so good. It’s a pity that I don’t know more people that I can simply talk to. I haven’t had a nice, long conversation possibly in a year, since generally all other conversations feel rushed from work or school. No one has the time to talk until 3 am anymore.
It’s going to be a long night.
Four consecutive writing days in a row. Balls.
Pat called me yesterday to see how I was doing. How fucking amazing is that? When I found out, the back of my nose felt tightly congested, and the rims of my eyes started to tingle. I need to be more like Pat. I realized yesterday that he’s like my preacher; he’s the only one I can talk to without fearing judgment or embarrassment. It’s not that my other friends aren’t understanding, it’s that Pat is able to see the motivations that drive the actions one does, without worrying about whether the consequences are for better or worse. He’s able to see the good in many people, and I guess that I need to be reminded that I have some good in me on occasion.
I think I need boobs. I bought a turtleneck during a boxing day sale. I found it on a table stacked with other motley piles of clothes, in the middle of the store, for 50% off. I didn’t try it on, since the lines for the change rooms were ridiculously long. I got home and tried it on, and it felt a little…large. I tried to shrink it in the wash, but it only slightly worked, because it still fit in an odd way. I realized today that it might be a girls’ turtleneck, and that the extra room in it might be for a healthy rack. I’m not completely sure, because I’ve never tried on what I know to be a girls’ turtleneck, and the beige colour isn’t particularly feminine. I suppose I could try to return it since it hasn’t been worn yet, and hasn’t been (noticeably) washed, but I’d rather have the boobs.
I’ve tried to change the date and time coding in PHP, so that it more accurately represents when the entries were written, but no such luck. The server this is hosted on is located in Hong Kong, which is about 13 hours ahead, so all the entries seem like they’re written 13 hours into the future. I found out how to edit the values of the date and time, but only when it’s from a current timestamp, and not when it’s being retrieved from a database. I might just try to figure out a way around everything if I really feel the need to have accurate numbers.
I think that I stop reading during particularly stressful school terms. My free time alone is generally divided between gaming and reading, and when I need some stress relief then gaming is just able to deliver much better. As Doug and I discussed, we’re able to lose ourselves, to just let go of everything else and be completely absorbed. Sometimes my stress will spill over though, and I’ll feel the need to write.
A while ago, I tried to understand the difficulties I would face in having children. I see now that a very fundamental problem with the entire concept is that I haven’t accepted what I’ve become yet. Such an inability is relevant insofar as the fact that I haven’t accepted who I am creates further difficulty in accepting someone else.
The same sort of problem arises out of relationships, but in an inverse manner; how could I expect someone else to accept me, when I haven’t done so already? I feel that such a difficulty is probably the most prominent obstacle in my relationships. Another would be the fact that I’m not sure if I am strong enough person to properly take care of someone else. Relationships are supposed to be mutualistic, and it feels as if I’m not ready for them yet.
I’ve been thinking this for quite a while now. So many things seem to be pointing me to this fact. I’ve been slowly accepting it, and it has very slowly been working.
Yet someone is tearing my reasoning apart.
Why do I feel better after writing what I cannot profess to others?