Why do I feel the need to write again so soon? Why can’t I just live one more day without having to tell my thoughts to something, anything that will accept without judgment? Sometimes I wish that I couldn’t write for months.
I think I passed my DNA Computing and Quantum Computing test today. It turns out that I was missing about 1/4 of the notes, so I really had to do some last minute studying. The prof made it fairly easy though, which I was glad to see.
I stumbled across some Taoist teachings today, and I was intrigued by what I read. I think it’s something that I’ll have to research more, along with my Buddhist beliefs and Confucianism.
Women are quite able to make friends with a man; but to preserve such a friendship — that no doubt requires the assistance of a slight physical antipathy.
When I first read this, I wasn’t too sure about the validity of it, or perhaps even the validity pertaining to myself. In the last month, however, it seems to be so true that any consideration of the possibility to the contrary would be ridiculous.
Today, someone told me that ever since she first met me, she thought I was Korean. It was pretty surprizing, since this girl was Chinese herself. It’s the first time I’d ever been mistaken for Korean, although people often confuse my last name as being Vietnamese. Do we really all look the same? Well, since even I failed the test, I suppose it’s true.
I have come to the realization that I sleep on my side when I’m fine, I sleep on my back if I need to relax or when I’m really tired, and I sleep on my stomach when I’m sad.
I’ve realized that, for some reason, I’m always, constantly seeking the approval of others. It’s something that’s become a part of me, although I know that I’m able to deal with the times when I can get no approval whatsoever.
I hate this about myself. It feels so damn cheap and shallow. It can bother me so much to know that someone doesn’t like me, or something that I’ve done.
My understanding of the reason why I’m like this is that my previous major relationships have all hurt me in the subject of acceptance. It has affected me so much that it’s something that I can’t get over. I need acceptance to fulfill a childhood void.
I adore praise. My mind accepts it like a vacuum. I let it affect me, and I don’t care. It’s something that I need.
When praise leaves me, then I feel like I’m left alone, with no one who can understand anything that I do. It feels like there’s no acceptance, like everyone hates my being.
And with this I go to sleep.
I always get freaked out when on I put on conditioner. I hear things about it being carcinogenic if you leave it in your hair for extended periods of time, or if you don’t wash it out correctly. The bottle says to leave it in for one to three minutes. And what if I leave it in there for longer? Will my scalp start to sting, or my hair start to fall out? It just leaves my hair so soft and manageable that I can’t stop using it.
Today was the first time I got to try out my moon mix, since it got dark so early, with everything I looked at being lit with artificial light. It worked so well, and I’m pleased that I was able to pick out so many of the right songs on the first try, although a few rogue songs somehow managed to slip in there.
I have a test in DNA Computing and Quantum Computing tomorrow that I should be studying for, but I don’t understand a single thing since the last test. Being that I have no other classes tomorrow, I plan on studying for the whole day until my test, which is at 5:30 pm. I hope I can understand everything by then.
I’ve downloaded a shiteload of Dir En Grey and King Crimson songs. It’s taking me a while to get a feel for most of them, but so far I can tell that Dir En Grey isn’t quite my thing in terms of musical tastes, although I’ve put two of their songs in my permanent collection. King Crimson seems to be better; it’s hard for me to tell because their songs are all so diverse (I imagine so after a few member changes) that it’s hard for me to decide whether I like them as a band or not. I’ve also made sure to keep a few of their songs, such as Epitaph and I Talk to the Wind.
Things feel very different right now. I know that everything is always changing, everything is constantly moving, and that no matter how static my life seems at the time, my mind is always working. I begin to see things quite differently. I’m really not sure how to explain it. For some reason, my thoughts begin to come around full circle every six months or so. My mind is never at the same place I am.
It’s an odd realization, to know that I’ve changed so much, yet so little within the last six months. I remember telling Sam one time when I was 15 that I probably wouldn’t change from the way I was back then. How wrong I was. There has been nothing but change, change that I can only see long after it has passed. I look back on what I was like in first year, and I become so embarrassed.
And now things feel so odd, as if I’ve never been in such a situation before, as if I’m looking through a new pair of eyes, yet kept my old experiences. It’s such a hard situation to define, since I feel like I can never truly understand it until is over, like the dead in Dante’s Inferno.
None of this feels familiar.