Posts tagged with "vent"

Jealousy

I would­n’t con­sid­er myself a jeal­ous per­son. After all, how can one be jeal­ous when one is sure of one­self? It’s a con­tra­dic­tion to me. Almost always, in my rela­tion­ships, this is true. However, a spe­cial case has come up, and I am jeal­ous, an emo­tion I haven’t expe­ri­enced in a long while. Yet there is noth­ing I can do about it. I can only sit here and take it. This isn’t some­thing that I can change about myself. I am very inse­cure about this, and I have rea­son to be.

This jeal­ousy nib­bles inside me, cre­at­ing an odd world of dys­thymia. As long as I am jeal­ous, I will be able to write and learn. God, I sound like some­thing out of a Graham Greene nov­el. I was once afraid that I was becom­ing bor­ing, hav­ing been giv­en much in life, with noth­ing to write about.

Ah, well, let’s lay this issue to rest for today until I learn some more, and I can see the sit­u­a­tion more clear­ly.

I do need to clear my head.

Put on some Chopin Nocturne

This one hurts.

God, I’m tired. I spent the entire day run­ning errands. I took my kit­ten to the vet, which was a fair­ly painful expe­ri­ence. A bitchy, though red-head­ed, sec­re­tary “served” me. The appoint­ments were an hour behind sched­ule. I decid­ed to hold off on a con­fir­ma­tion of the name until I felt com­fort­able with it, which I cur­rent­ly do not. I’m fuck­ing tired.

There’s some­thing about a girl with long, slen­der, del­i­cate fin­gers. They seem to speak of an intel­li­gence not expressed in any oth­er way. They way they move, the way they touch, the way they look. Sometimes dex­ter­i­ty is so sim­ply an attrac­tive fea­ture that one miss­es it, while being drawn to oth­er, more opu­lent fea­tures.

Belligerence in Ignorance

I’m not sure what to think right now, but I know that I’m steam­ing. I’m boil­ing. I need to calm down. I haven’t been this angry in a while. I need to calm myself. I need to write while I’m shak­ing. I need to get this emo­tion down, and break it apart, piece by piece until I can see why and how I can get like this.

This is all so very inter­est­ing. I sit here, my heart beat­ing, my hands shak­ing, my mind throb­bing, breath­ing deeply, try­ing to take in calm­ness with each inhala­tion. System of a Down pumps in my ears, the scratchy sound of my head­phones hurts with the great­est of delight. I miss the bass. I feel my blood pump­ing through my veins, feed­ing pas­sion through every ven­tri­cle, mak­ing me mad with rage.

I try to keep my san­i­ty, my cere­bral­i­ty, my mind. I turn up my music. Only log­ic can help me here. I grip to every shred of calm I have, so as to not act on some super­flu­ous emo­tion.

Only this can bring me clo­sure, can give me res­o­lu­tion. A screen of grey, of som­bre colours, of seri­ous­ness point­ing to seren­i­ty.

I have learned.

The Fuck Off List

Today was gen­er­al­ly a shit­ty, low self-esteem day. I was left out or left behind three times. I need­ed some Anger Management, with a lot of my Fuck Off playlist to get through the day. Perhaps I’ll write a more heart­en­ing entry lat­er tonight, after I’ve had a nice show­er, a hot meal, and some Strongbow. My Fuck Off playlist is as fol­lows.

  • Coal Chamber — Sway
  • Coal Chamber — Unspoiled
  • Coal Chamber — Loco
  • Coal Chamber — Oddity
  • Korn — Reclaim My Place
  • Korn — Justin
  • Korn — Pretty
  • Marilyn Manson —1996
  • Marilyn Manson — Angel With the Scabbed Wings
  • Marilyn Manson — Irresponsible Hate Anthem
  • Marilyn Manson — Tourniquet
  • Deftones — 7 Words
  • Kittie — Brackish
  • Slipknot — Wait and Bleed
  • Godsmack — Whatever
  • Refused — New Noise
  • Deftones — My Own Summer (Shove It)
  • Pantera — 5 Minutes Alone
  • Tool — Jerk
  • Fear Factory — Edgecrusher
  • Marilyn Manson — The Reflecting God
  • Tool — Hooker with a Penis
  • Marilyn Manson — The Beautiful People
  • Marilyn Manson — Mister Superstar
  • Marilyn Manson — Dried Up, Tied, and Dead to the World
  • Korn — Dead Bodies Everywhere
  • Korn — It’s On!
  • Korn — Got the Life
  • Papa Roach — Last Resort

I took out Freak on a Leash because it just does­n’t have the hard hit­ting refrain that I need when I’m real­ly pissed off, although I sup­pose the caden­za in the mid­dle where Jonathan Davis goes crazy is some relief from peo­ple I just can’t seem to deal with.

So I got home, to an emp­ty apart­ment, thank god, opened up a can of Strongbow, and start­ed writ­ing. It’s fair­ly rare that such a day hap­pens, I’m glad to say, in con­trast to oth­er poe­ple I know, who hap­pen to have bad days when they stub their toe, or when they get too many calls from their friends dur­ing the day. That just piss­es me off. Blah, don’t get me start­ed.

Pavlov's Dogs

If one thinks about what one knows or what one feels, one should prob­a­bly come to an under­stand­ing of why one feels that way. I mean, aside from the pos­si­ble implant­i­ng of tastes, or things that you like because of influ­ences beyond your abil­i­ty to remem­ber.

An exam­ple: if one enjoys lis­ten­ing to met­al, then there should be a real­iza­tion that it might be because of the way heavy gui­tar riffs and scream­ing have a way of help­ing one deal with ones shit­ty, shit­ty life. And if ones life improves, one may not need that genre of music any­more. Of course, one may still enjoy it for what­ev­er rea­son.

Another case. If one is hit by a car, with life-threat­en­ing injuries, I’m sure that one would be less than thrilled to cross the street the day one gets out of the hos­pi­tal, let alone dri­ve home.

The two cas­es are dif­fer­ent inso­faras the lat­ter can be a life-alter­ing expe­ri­ence, where­as the for­mer is not.

And yet peo­ple, with­out hav­ing life-alter­ing expe­ri­ences, feel and act with­out ques­tion­ing why they are feel­ing or act­ing in a cer­tain way.

Pure fuck­ing sequaci­ty

I can nev­er under­stand how so many peo­ple can just act with­out think­ing, with­out under­stand­ing things, with­out suf­fi­cient knowl­edge of the sit­u­a­tion.

I’m sure I could make a poster of a Chinese man, exag­ger­at­ing all the stereo­typ­i­cal parts of his body, as a piece of art, a com­ment in itself of how per­verse peo­ple think. Would peo­ple ques­tion why I made it the way I did? Would peo­ple try and under­stand why I made the poster in the first place, before deem­ing me racist, and demand­ing that I destroy it? The answer, sad­ly, would be no. They would only feel that because it por­trays a Chinese per­son in a stereo­typ­i­cal man­ner, it is wrong. They would nev­er even ques­tion why it is wrong.

Perhaps the gov­ern­ment is just too good in doing what they do. Sure, they’ve done a good job at elim­i­nat­ing racism, but at the same time, they’ve cre­at­ed anti-racism racism. Now, hir­ing minori­ties is a neces­si­ty, even if the minor­i­ty hap­pens to not be as good at the job as some­one else.

But who can blame them? They’re just try­ing to con­trol mass­es of idiots, who can’t think for them­selves.

I wish peo­ple would actu­al­ly think, before they made a deci­sion, before they act­ed. If one does­n’t like some­one, one should ques­tion the rea­son. Don’t just act on it. One may real­ize that one was wrong in the end. If one thinks that some­one is imma­ture, one should think about it. Perhaps even look at it from a dif­fer­ent view. If one does­n’t like some­thing because of an inci­dent in the past, one should look at it in the new con­text of the present. Not just act­ing on what one has been told, or what one has felt for so long.

Pavlov should have used humans. He would­n’t even need­ed to have trained them.

God, peo­ple piss me off.