Posts tagged with "self-improvement"

The Zarathustra Sessions, Part 2: Progression

I have learned to walk: since then I have run. I have learned to fly, since then I do not have to be pushed in order to move.

Now I am nim­ble, now I fly, now I see myself under myself, now a god dances with­in me.

—Of Reading And Writing, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

A long time ago, maybe almost ten years ago, I met a guy who was the same age as me named Alvin. We got along extreme­ly well, which was a rar­i­ty for me at the time. He was a com­plete enig­ma. There was always an air about him, some­thing in his sta­ble demeanor, that told me he had every­thing fig­ured out. I asked him once, “Do you feel any pain?”. “Only when I want to”, was his response. I could­n’t pos­si­bly under­stand.

How can I describe this feel­ing? How can I explain? I’ve been look­ing for the right words for so long, but noth­ing comes through. Only images and ideas. Thoughts with­out expres­sion.

All I know is that it feels like I’ve arrived at some­thing, like I’ve final­ly come to a point where I’m com­fort­able with myself. Where I can hurt with­out being sad. Where I can love with­out pain.

The key is under­stand­ing how dis­sat­is­fac­tion breeds improve­ment, how pain breeds hap­pi­ness, how there must be a bal­ance of good and bad, and liv­ing by these beliefs with com­mit­ted indus­try and absolute humil­i­ty. It’s what Taoists express as Yin and Yang, what Nietzsche was say­ing through Zarathustra. And when one’s life goal is self-improve­ment, every­thing falls into place.

Now there is no going back. Now I tru­ly feel like I’m alive.

Now a god dances with­in me.

School's Out Forever

The best thing about grad­u­at­ing uni­ver­si­ty and hav­ing a job is that noth­ing fol­lows me home. For almost all of my life, up until this point, I felt like a slave to home­work, projects, and tests. I’d nev­er have a week­end where I could just relax, and not think about the next thing that I should be work­ing on. Even in the sum­mers I felt guilty for not get­ting a head start on next years mate­r­i­al.

Now it’s just pure relax­ation. No more wor­ry about fail­ing some­thing or run­ning out of mon­ey. The only thing left to work on is me, and I have the rest of my life for that.

I Fucking Rule

Someone made me feel ter­ri­ble the oth­er day. She igno­rant­ly belit­tled almost every­thing that I’ve worked for in my life. To have this per­son so insou­ciant­ly give me advice on some­thing that I’m still try­ing to accom­plish was com­plete­ly insult­ing. Yet I can’t blame this per­son, because the com­ments made were in igno­rance of how hard I’ve tried, how much I’ve worked, how dif­fi­cult it’s been to make myself a bet­ter per­son.

With most oth­er peo­ple, I could­n’t care less about their opin­ions. But I respect­ed this per­son. I held her in the high esteem. This per­son was already most of what I want­ed to become. And, nat­u­ral­ly, this made her opin­ion impor­tant to me.

I don’t know what her back­ground is, or how she’s come to devel­op as the per­son that I know, but I do know that mine has made things dif­fi­cult on a men­tal lev­el.

It takes me longer than oth­ers to get over things. I only trust half a hand­ful of peo­ple. I’m still emo­tion­al­ly weak in some respects.

I’ve come a long way, and even though I still have much fur­ther to go, that does­n’t dimin­ish the fact that I’ve suc­ceed­ed thus far. Or the fact that it’s been a fuck­ing strug­gle. Or the fact that I’m fuck­ing proud of who I am now, and what I’ve already accom­plished.

So what can I say, real­ly, about these things said in pass­ing? Nothing. All I have to keep in mind is that what I’m work­ing towards is much eas­i­er to some than to oth­ers. That it’s me who’s in con­trol of my amour pro­pre.

And that, in the end, all that tru­ly mat­ters is self-sat­is­fac­tion.

Amplitude

Sometimes it feels as if I’ve changed in an infi­nite num­ber of direc­tions. Every change comes as a result of some unsat­is­fac­to­ry char­ac­ter­is­tic of my for­mer self. The result, hope­ful­ly a series of what I con­sid­er improve­ments, becomes the oppo­site of traits I once pos­sessed.

Confidence is an exam­ple. It’s only now, after more than eight years of con­scious work, that I’ve gained some form of con­fi­dence, of self-respect. And I appre­ci­ate it now, not only in myself but in oth­er peo­ple as well. It was my own dif­fi­dence that drove me to become an assertive per­son. This isn’t to say that it’s some­thing I’ve stopped work­ing on. I’m not quite sat­is­fied yet, because I’m still learn­ing to pre­vent over­con­fi­dence, but oth­er than that I think I’ve come quite far.

The same goes for quite a few oth­er things. Having no friends has made me a bet­ter one. Being alone has made me a patient lover. Being shy has made me more out­go­ing. Having gone through emo­tion­al ups and downs has made me more sta­ble.

Being weak has made me stronger.

Cause You're Not Right

I hate it when peo­ple tell me what I should be like, espe­cial­ly if the per­son thinks they have the right to say some­thing just because they’re old­er than me. No I don’t need a bet­ter sense of direc­tion, no I don’t know what that word defen­es­trate is, no I don’t care who won the Battle of Antietam. I spend enough ener­gy try­ing to improve myself in ways which I deem are impor­tant now or in the future, I don’t need some­one else telling me to improve myself in ways they think are impor­tant. Unless I have a sol­id, well found­ed respect for some­one, I don’t give a fuck what they think peo­ple should be like.