Posts tagged with "pain"

The Need For Antipathy

I seem to be struck with a great need for men­tal and phys­i­cal antipa­thy late­ly. Everywhere I look, things are filled with beau­ty, and I am unused to it. I’m not sure what has changed; whether it’s myself, or the world around me. It often feels like there’s too much to take in, too much to expe­ri­ence, and that I’m unwor­thy. I wish that I could be cold and bit­ter as before, so that I could feel bet­ter about myself, that I did­n’t feel so ugly and ashamed.

Everything is so much sim­pler when the world is black. My mind is made up, every­thing is sta­ble, I can cre­ate. Yet there is always some­thing that is miss­ing, some­thing that I’m always striv­ing towards.

Odd, that I should be look­ing for an end to pain, when pain is so com­fort­ing.

I think it all has to do with the fact that I’m still uncom­fort­able with con­tent­ment. It’s still an awk­ward feel­ing for me, some­thing that I’m not used to yet. Antipathy could change this, but I can’t bring myself to hate again.

My antipa­thy has most­ly left me.

Unwanted Hurt, And Failure

Sometimes peo­ple say things that just seem to hurt. One knows that they don’t mean it, yet it hurts any­way. For some rea­son, it’s even more painful, due to the igno­rance involved. But what can one do in such a sit­u­a­tion? Pretend as if noth­ing hap­pened? I sim­ply become anti­so­cial. That hap­pens a lot actu­al­ly. When some­one upsets me in any way, whether I become angry, sad, or for­lorn, I’ll close up. I’ll dis­tance myself, and I can’t help but be tac­i­turn.

No won­der.

I got my cryp­tog­ra­phy mid-term back yes­ter­day, and it turns out that I failed it. That means that I failed more than half my mid-terms. I’m start­ing to wor­ry about my finals. I was actu­al­ly con­sid­er­ing my absence at Dougie’s LAN par­ty, but Aaron (rather eas­i­ly) talked me into going.

Hurt For No Reason, And Failure

Sometimes peo­ple say things that just seem to hurt. One knows that they don’t mean it, yet it hurts any­way. For some rea­son, it’s even more painful, due to the igno­rance involved. But what can one do in such a sit­u­a­tion? Pretend as if noth­ing hap­pened? I sim­ply become anti­so­cial. That hap­pens a lot actu­al­ly. When some­one upsets me in any way, whether I become angry, sad, or for­lorn, I’ll close up. I’ll dis­tance myself, and I can’t help but be tac­i­turn.

No won­der.

I got my cryp­tog­ra­phy mid-term back yes­ter­day, and it turns out that I failed it. That means that I failed more than half my mid-terms. I’m start­ing to wor­ry about my finals. I was actu­al­ly con­sid­er­ing my absence at Dougie’s LAN par­ty, but Aaron (rather eas­i­ly) talked me into going.