Posts tagged with "children"

Canada Day '09

Playing with Oli

Thumbnail: Little shoes
Thumbnail: Mark and Jen
Thumbnail: Pecan Pie
Thumbnail: Phil and Oli
Thumbnail: Ryan

(This is how behind I am on posting my pictures.)

Canada Day is always a way for us to catch up with each other once a year (for those from out of town), to see how everyone is doing over some barbecue and baked goods. There are always new faces, familiar faces, and this time, it was a little different, with three babies that weren’t there last year. My friends are starting to have kids.

Sometimes it’s strange to see Aaron with a baby. He’s what we consider an adult now, a grown-up, a father. Yet he’s still the same Aaron (which is a good thing), with the same stylish clothes, the same interests, the same ebullient attitude, except he’s holding a piece of himself.

AND DID YOU SEE THE LITTLE PECK AT THE END? AAHHHHHHH SO CUTE1.

  1. Video taken with my iPhone, with no colour correction or filters. Not bad for a camera phone. []

Defining Myself Through Others, Revisited

A deeper look at an old topic

Some time when I was a child, I asked my mother if she loved her nails more than she loved me. She had this kit full of nail tools — clippers, files made of metal and emery, toe separators, fake nails separated in little boxes, even a small hand-held, battery-operated dremel with different attachments used to grind, sand, and polish — that she would carry with her around the house. When I asked her this question, she picked me up in her arms, and vehemently denied it. I didn’t believe her though, not in my heart. She had always paid more attention to her nails than to me.

My dad was no better. One time I googled his name to find his work number, and came across an audio/visual site where he had written a small paragraph as a review on a projector he had. I was crushed. It was more effort than he had ever put into my life, sitting in a couple of short sentences in front of me. It would have been okay if he had been so uninterested in everything, but he wasn’t. He loved his car, he loved his home theatre, he loved his karaoke, but me he had no interest in.

So, before I had become a teenager, I started to look for some kind of approval from other people. At that point, it was Andrew and Alex. They were my best friends in grade 3 and 4, but I changed schools in grade 5. Even after this, I tried to hang out with them but they seemed to be more interested in school, and we lost touch.

Pretty soon, I realized that I wasn’t anyone’s “best friend”. I cried and I cried and I cried. I felt like I needed this to define myself. I needed be a priority to someone because I certainly wasn’t a priority to my parents. Without being someone’s best friend, I was worthless.

As an adult, you may feel insecure about certain aspects of your life. You lack self-confidence in areas where you feel vulnerable — intimate relationships, social situations, or work. Within your vulnerable areas, you feel inferior to other people. You are hypersensitive to criticism or rejection.

I still feel this way now. The problem is that the need isn’t being met. Everyone puts other people first, and the one foundation I believed I had in my life has crumbled. I’m never important enough.

Two things keep me from killing myself.

The thought that one day, I may mean something to someone. Or the thought that one day, I’ll be able to stop defining myself through others, and simply be content with who I am.

Either way, something’s gotta give.

5 am vs. Acceptance

A while ago, I tried to understand the difficulties I would face in having children. I see now that a very fundamental problem with the entire concept is that I haven’t accepted what I’ve become yet. Such an inability is relevant insofar as the fact that I haven’t accepted who I am creates further difficulty in accepting someone else.

The same sort of problem arises out of relationships, but in an inverse manner; how could I expect someone else to accept me, when I haven’t done so already? I feel that such a difficulty is probably the most prominent obstacle in my relationships. Another would be the fact that I’m not sure if I am strong enough person to properly take care of someone else. Relationships are supposed to be mutualistic, and it feels as if I’m not ready for them yet.

I’ve been thinking this for quite a while now. So many things seem to be pointing me to this fact. I’ve been slowly accepting it, and it has very slowly been working.

Yet someone is tearing my reasoning apart.