I’m cur­rent­ly on autopi­lot. Doing with­out think­ing, and just being.

It’s a strange feel­ing because I’ve been try­ing to get to this lev­el where I’m no longer con­scious of try­ing to be at this lev­el¹. It’s a recur­sive night­mare. But now that I’ve been here for a few days, I’m not sure if I like it. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m not used to it, because I feel like I’m miss­ing some­thing, or because I feel way too over­stim­u­lat­ed.

I tried to sched­ule a day of rest, aka me time, aka her­mi­tiz­ing in my house, in between every event, but that did­n’t work out. I won’t have a sin­gle day to myself until the 3rd of January. I was hop­ing for a hol­i­day where I could sit and do noth­ing for two days in a row, just so it’d be like a long week­end at least. I’ve been try­ing to cel­e­brate because I fin­ished my con­tracts ear­ly, but I sup­pose these last few days have been enough of a treat, even if it’s left me with­out any time to with­draw and reflect.

One day I woke up at Darren’s house, went down­stairs, turned on the TV, and Serendipity had just start­ed. I remem­ber watch­ing this gener­ic hol­i­day dri­v­el set in a New York Christmas at Vicky’s house back when I was in uni­ver­si­ty. It was def­i­nite­ly Christmas back then cause I was back home in Toronto, before my par­ents divorced, and we went to house par­ties as a fam­i­ly. It was it’s own lit­tle serendip­i­tous sign, remind­ing me the hol­i­days were here, and I should take it all in for a sec­ond.

1. Croupier, star­ring Clive Owen, is com­plete­ly based on this idea. Go see it. [↩]

It’s been busy. Side work is going well, and I try to do as much as I can on week­nights so I can have my week­ends free.

It’s made for a rather hec­tic sched­ule, which is a wel­come dis­trac­tion at the moment. I feel great for being pro­duc­tive, and great for being able to relax. Time is fly­ing. I can’t believe it’s past the mid­dle of September already.

I use to bring my cam­eras with me every­where, but now I find I’m tak­ing few­er pic­tures. I want to be less of an observer/documentalist and more of a par­tic­i­pa­tor late­ly. I don’t want to miss out on liv­ing from wor­ry­ing if I’m cap­tur­ing every­thing as best as pos­si­ble.

One of the things that’s helped me main­tain my pro­duc­tiv­i­ty is Things for my iPhone, which gives lit­tle alert badges on the things that are due. It’s a great moti­va­tor when you want to clear the alerts from your home screen.

If it has­n’t been painful­ly obvi­ous already, I’ve been busy. Even though it’s only been four days since my last entry, I think that’s the longest I’ve ever gone with­out writ­ing since my month-long hia­tus back in 2006. There are so many thoughts I have been putting in the back of my head to write down, so many pho­tos I have yet to work on and post.

The big project is the house show on Saturday. This week I’m get­ting things ready: clean­ing; buy­ing ice, ice cream, and top­pings for the ice cream bar, cups, spoons; mov­ing fur­ni­ture; cre­at­ing playlists for the lounge time before the show; orga­niz­ing food and sleep­ing arrange­ments for the artists; and prepar­ing to cap­ture the whole ide­al in pic­ture and video.

I think I’ll be able to breathe again some time in mid August. Until then, I’m work­ing away hap­pi­ly, and learn­ing to pri­or­i­tize instead of doing what I feel like.

But even then, I don’t think I’ll want to stop. I’m quite enjoy­ing these projects, or, should I say, fin­ish­ing them because it means I’m pro­duc­tive, and there does­n’t seem to be any­thing more sat­is­fy­ing at the moment. I haven’t sat down and lost myself in a game in a while, which is strange for me. And even stranger that I’m not jonesing, as it used to be my favourite pas­time, and the only one that would relax me. Most of my relax­ation time now comes in lit­tle dos­es of quick iPhone games.

I like being busy.

But we’ll see how long that lasts.