Autopilot

Cohen and MacBook Pro

I’m currently on autopilot. Doing without thinking, and just being.

It’s a strange feeling because I’ve been trying to get to this level where I’m no longer conscious of trying to be at this level1. It’s a recursive nightmare. But now that I’ve been here for a few days, I’m not sure if I like it. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m not used to it, because I feel like I’m missing something, or because I feel way too overstimulated.

I tried to schedule a day of rest, aka me time, aka hermitizing in my house, in between every event, but that didn’t work out. I won’t have a single day to myself until the 3rd of January. I was hoping for a holiday where I could sit and do nothing for two days in a row, just so it’d be like a long weekend at least. I’ve been trying to celebrate because I finished my contracts early, but I suppose these last few days have been enough of a treat, even if it’s left me without any time to withdraw and reflect.

One day I woke up at Darren’s house, went downstairs, turned on the TV, and Serendipity had just started. I remember watching this generic holiday drivel set in a New York Christmas at Vicky’s house back when I was in university. It was definitely Christmas back then cause I was back home in Toronto, before my parents divorced, and we went to house parties as a family. It was it’s own little serendipitous sign, reminding me the holidays were here, and I should take it all in for a second.

  1. Croupier, starring Clive Owen, is completely based on this idea. Go see it. []

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