Posts in category "Thoughts"

My Turn

Darren and I were talk­ing about the unre­quit­ed feel­ings we’ve expe­ri­enced, and he asked me if I ever felt like no oth­er per­son could ever match up to the per­son I felt the strongest about. I was­n’t quite sure what to say. I was afraid of the truth, and I did­n’t want to admit it to myself.

I real­ize that it’s some­thing I have to face, because it has affect­ed my rela­tion­ships.

Yes, I am very scared.

Sometimes I feel emo­tion­al­ly numb, as if I’ll nev­er have the same feel­ings again. Infatuations end up being sil­ly fris­sons. I’m not sure whether it was the inten­si­ty of my feel­ing, the fact that it was sim­ply the first time, or even if it’s the fact that I haven’t met the right per­son yet.

It ter­ri­fies me when a female has many qual­i­ties that I feel are impor­tant for a rela­tion­ship, but I have no feel­ings for them. It makes me think that I have some set of lofty stan­dards that can’t be met. I feel hor­ri­ble about it. I feel like a mon­ster.

How can I know what I feel is true? How can one be sure of such fick­le, con­scious­ness alter­ing emo­tions? It’s so dif­fi­cult to remain cere­bral in such cir­cum­stances, espe­cial­ly when the absence of such an adjec­tive is what defines such emo­tions.

I’m bare­ly scratch­ing the sur­face on a sub­ject I have so lit­tle expe­ri­ence about. What can some­one like me say about such things? I should hum­ble myself to oth­ers. I only know that I’m scared.

I’m scared that I’ll nev­er fall in love again.

Playing Emma

At one point in my life, I believed I was like a jester in my pur­suit of mak­ing oth­er peo­ple hap­py. I did­n’t real­ly care how I was doing, the knowl­edge that my friends were well was enough to get me through the day. Nowadays, I think I’ve become more self­ish. There seems to be a dif­fuse feel­ing of non-sat­is­fac­tion.

Have I become more cyn­i­cal?

I expect noth­ing from oth­ers. I still believe that my hap­pi­ness can only be a result of my own actions. Yet it still fills me with a feel­ing of ela­tion to know that I have been able to help some­one else. Perhaps I’m hop­ing that the favour may be returned to me some­day. Realistic would be a bet­ter word.

However, the thought that the peo­ple I care about are hap­py is still enough to sati­ate. I’ll take that as a good thing.

Forget about me.

The Urgency For Antipathy

I think I’ve been struck with an even greater need for antipa­thy than before, but this is no plea­sur­able need. My mind burns with painful ideas, and it knots my stom­ach. I feel awk­ward think­ing about it every time.

I need antipa­thy to feel nor­mal again. To know that I am worth some­thing. Why must I find out so much about some­thing that pains me so much? Perhaps I sim­ply think about the sit­u­a­tion too much, and I’ve become hyper-sen­si­tive to it. Yes, that’s prob­a­bly it.

Hope is the mind­killer.

The User

There are times when one may be asked for help in life or oth­er sit­u­a­tions.

The per­son request­ing the help is sim­ply look­ing for an aide, and not mak­ing a claim for any­thing in return. If some­one decides to help this per­son, the helper should­n’t be expect­ing any­thing from the helpee. After all, it is the right for the helper to refuse.

The helpee, when ask­ing for assis­tance, gen­er­al­ly makes no claim about repay­ing the helper. They are mak­ing a request at the hope that some­one will not mind, and assume the role of helper. This is opposed to the belief that the helper should get some­thing in return, be it friend­ship, or mon­ey, etc.

Unless it is stat­ed clear­ly that there be an exchange of ser­vices, then the helper is work­ing by his or her will, for “free”. To expect some­thing in return for help, espe­cial­ly from a stranger, is rather naive. I liken the sit­u­a­tion to per­son A ask­ing per­son B to have $1000, and when giv­en, per­son B expect­ing per­son A to be a good friend for hav­ing gen­er­ous­ly donat­ed so much mon­ey.

The mis­take becomes the opti­mistic assump­tion that every­one is nice and will return the favour some­how. Yet per­son A said noth­ing to per­son B about repay­ing them in any way. At the same time, per­son B could have refused, and walked away.

If the helper ever feels used from such a sit­u­a­tion, her or she only has him or her­self to blame. On the oth­er hand, if the helpee agrees to do some­thing in return before the assis­tance is giv­en, but nev­er deliv­ers, the helper has a right to feel used.

The fact is, unless stat­ed, a helpee most like­ly won’t return the favour. It sucks, but it’s true. If the helper makes the assump­tion that the per­son is “good” and will repay, the helper is sim­ply set­ting him or her­self up for dis­ap­point­ment.

It’s the expec­ta­tion of some­thing in return that is sim­ply a fool­ish thing to believe.

So why would one believe it? One can just say no, instead of scorn­ing the helpee, label­ing them as a user when not giv­en some­thing in return.

Perhaps one needs the hope that there are “good” peo­ple in the world to feel bet­ter. Perhaps one has a hard time say­ing “no”. Perhaps one is blind­ed by the guiles of the oppo­site sex. Perhaps one nev­er learns.

Perhaps one should just stop labelling every­one as a user.