I always listen to music when I’m in the bathroom, and I always dance when I’m alone.
Except you were in my room, looking in, and I was brushing my teeth to the beat. I don’t even remember the song, I just know that it moved me, manipulating my joints and twitching my bones like a marionette. Shoulders, hips, legs co-ordinated like a shameless drunk.
And if you mentioned it now, I still wouldn’t admit it.
oh yes there’s many a man or woman
that’s been put in the insane asylum
when this has happened to them
and they’re sitting there today, people think they’re insane
but they saw something that’s real
and they see it when they’re on drugs
the only thing is they see it
not through the light of godbecause when you see the face of god you will die
—Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Hung Over as the Queen In Maida Vale
I saw you through the window, in a coffee shop without a coffee in your hand.
At first I wondered why you were sitting so far away from your bags, as if you had put them down and forgotten where you were.
Then I realized that those bags were the sum of your possessions, along with your pink Dora The Explorer hat, and soiled orange overcoat you wore in the middle of a warm summer night. Everything about you screamed crazy.
You played with your jellybeans, tilting them back and forth in the clear plastic bag, watching them slide back and forth with eyes like stones in their sockets. You were lost to the world.
ENJOY YOUR STAY WITH US
BUT NO LOITERING PLEASE
20 MINUTE TIME-LIMIT
Then you got up and left. You wandered the street, pausing to peer in the windows of jewelery stores where there was no jewelery, like a child without a care in the world.
It made me wonder.
What got you high tonight?
Did you see the face of God tonight?
So I deleted your numbers off my speed dial. I took down your pictures. It was an in-the-moment thing.
I’m calm now, seeing things objectively, yet still undecided.
Part of me wants to believe we can still be friends. That we can still hang out without me depending on you for anything. But I’m not like that, and I don’t stay friends with those on whom I can’t depend.
I cried, not only because you weren’t there when I needed you, not only because you had a responsibility to my friends as well, but because I never allow those who hurt me so much to be a part of my life. Our friendship may be lost, and this is what upsets me the most. Perhaps it hurts so much because you were so important to me. I don’t want to lose that, but I’ll never forget what you did and I’ll never trust you again.
And if I can forgive you, you’ll know that I truly love you.
Coming up with the right thing to say when it’s too late. The French have a term for it: l’espirit de l’escalier. Staircase wit. When you’re leaving a party, going down the stairs, perhaps playing over an incident in your head, and you think of that perfect riposte.
Staircase wit isn’t limited to insults and witty retorts though. It can be any moment when you can’t think of anything to say, only to reach an epiphany soon after.
I always end up saying what I want in my dreams, but it’s never as satisfying. This is how I know that life isn’t a dream.
Otherwise, I’d be more witty.
Asian character tattoos have become somewhat of a cliché, but not doing something because it’s trendy is as bad as doing it because it’s trendy. I chose to get a tattoo for myself, which is why I it’s on the inside of my wrist, facing me when I see it. Unfortunately, foreign language tattoos are often wrong and hilariously bad as well, as if a child had drawn them.
So I did my research, and found as many drawings of the Tao character as possible. At one point I went as far as tracking down people who had purchased a certain painting with Tao in the title, and calling them to ask if they would take a picture and send it to me1. I’m a perfectionist in my everyday life, so I was going to be sure about something that would last for the rest of my life.
Continue reading “Background on the Tao Tattoo”…