You’d like it here.
Maybe that’s why it feels like you’re missing from every meal, every seat I’ve taken at a bistro with the sun on my face, every corner I’ve rounded with a new experience just beyond.
Wish you were here.
To be honest, I’d never heard of Spanish Romance until this year. Once I found out it was a classical standard, I started seeing it on all these CDs by respected guitarists and compilation albums of “classical greats”. It seems like anyone learning classical guitar will try to tackle it at some point, seduced by such an elegant melody. I have no classical aspirations, and even I fell for it.
I figure I’d record this before I cut off my nails cause I’ve been growing them for about two months1 and I’m completely sick of them. They clack on my keyboard and iPad, and I always have to be annoyingly careful about not breaking them. Unfortunately, this song also sounds way better with some brightness to it when it’s not played with actual nylon strings; I’m still using a set of Silk and Steel, and there’s a certain fatness to the sound when you really dig into them.
I’ve only had Larissa for six months now, but it feels more like six years. There’s so much familiarity in the wood and glossy curves. Even when I’m trying out a guitar several times the price of what she would cost, it never feels as nice.
So the iPad 2 is something I bought last week, solely for the purpose of GarageBand. It’s powerful enough to be a sketchpad where you can create musical ideas, and because the instruments are touch-sensitive, it’s really fun to doodle and experiment. I don’t actually have a bass or piano or drums, so the extra instrumentation is pretty handy too.
Over the weekend I made this sketch of Shaded By Your Shadow as I was figuring my way around the software. It’s always been one of my favourite songs by Shane; the title alone evokes this image of lying in the grass on a warm day, with someone’s hair drifting in the haze of their outline above you.
I haven’t lost myself this much in a project (small as it was) in a long time. I had to figure out the roles of instruments I’ve never played before, percussion being a particularly weak point of mine cause I rarely pay attention to it when I’m listening to music. There are a lot of synth instruments included with GarageBand, so I tried to give it an 80s synth-pop sound. Everything was done right on the iPad, including vocals which were recorded using the built-in microphone.
I still have to learn about mixing and production and whatnot (and since I don’t have any monitors, I’m completely blind when setting the various levels), but I was happy as punch just to be able to figure out the software and process. It really is it’s own creative process when making a full band arrangement for a song, a puzzle in it’s own right, because you can start with an idea or motif on any instrument and there are so many directions you can go from there.
I’ve been spending too much time around friends and fallen heroes, staying up too late, running away from my thoughts, punishing my body, killing myself one day at a time. The exhaustion is numbing — exactly what I need — but I know I can’t keep this up forever. I used to lose a day here and there, think it’s Wednesday on a Thursday. Now I lose entire weeks. I’ve decided that it’s all okay as long as shit gets done.
Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling trapped. I’m too busy to see past things as they are right now, a victim of my own self-distraction, so it feels like I’ll be here forever, stuck in this endless loop of healing and heartbreak.
I’m still trying to find that delicate balance between accepting myself (which risks complacency) and striving to improve (and the constant dissatisfaction). At the very least, I’ve come to the realization that there’s a difference between the things that happen to us and the way we react or deal with them, and since you have no say in the former, all you can do is improve the latter.
Sometimes you have to die a little inside to figure that out.
I’ve always been after a more mellow sound than what I can currently get out my guitar. Madeleine suggested I try D’Addario Silk and Steel strings, so I bought a pack a few days ago and have been playing them since. I asked Steve to demo the strings, as well as my lovely guitar Larissa, cause my abilities aren’t good enough to really show her off.
Sometimes I love them cause they’re so bright and clear, other times I hate them cause the tone comes off as thin and frail; it really depends on what kind of music I’m playing. When Steve plays them they’re shockingly bright and piercing compared to the sound I get; I’m not sure if it’s the difference in our nails or technique (or both).
They’re definitely meant for fingerpicking cause they’re so light1 that even moderate strumming will make them buzz, which severely limits my possible repertoire. On the bright side, it’s much easier to fret barre chords, and certain passages that were a struggle to play cleanly only require a light touch now.
Another advantage is that the tone makes me feel like I’m playing a different guitar. Even though it’s not quite the dry and mellow sound of a classical nylon, it’s somewhat staving off my desire to buy the Taylor I’ve been eying2, but who knows how long that’ll last.
Steve’s the only person I know who lives by the guitar, both literally and figuratively. I’ve seen such brilliant things come out of his fingers. Sometimes in the middle of a song I’m showing him, he’ll pick up the melody and go somewhere completely different with it that’s more beautiful than the original. And even though he’s mainly a jazz guy (after Wes Montgomery), he can play any style from classical to flamenco.
I’ve taken up his belief in not using a pick and sticking with my fingernails. “Just another thing between you and the guitar”, he said to me once. And when I explain how I’m stuck on something he’ll say, “Have you done it three-and-a-half million times?” to remind me that anything’s possible with enough practice. He’s filled with all these tiny yet crucial bits of information that have influenced how I approach the instrument.