la petite mort

I’ve been spend­ing too much time around friends and fall­en heroes, stay­ing up too late, run­ning away from my thoughts, pun­ish­ing my body, killing myself one day at a time. The exhaus­tion is numb­ing — exact­ly what I need — but I know I can’t keep this up for­ev­er. I used to lose a day here and there, think it’s Wednesday on a Thursday. Now I lose entire weeks. I’ve decid­ed that it’s all okay as long as shit gets done.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been feel­ing trapped. I’m too busy to see past things as they are right now, a vic­tim of my own self-dis­trac­tion, so it feels like I’ll be here for­ev­er, stuck in this end­less loop of heal­ing and heartbreak.

I’m still try­ing to find that del­i­cate bal­ance between accept­ing myself (which risks com­pla­cen­cy) and striv­ing to improve (and the con­stant dis­sat­is­fac­tion). At the very least, I’ve come to the real­iza­tion that there’s a dif­fer­ence between the things that hap­pen to us and the way we react or deal with them, and since you have no say in the for­mer, all you can do is improve the latter.

Sometimes you have to die a lit­tle inside to fig­ure that out.

3 comments

  1. killing myself one day at a time” <– this is the cen­tral lyric in a song I start­ed writ­ing like ten years ago, but nev­er got far enough to show any­one. it pops into my head a lot, though, when I feel the way it’s intend­ed to describe.

    real­ly inter­est­ing to see it sur­face in some­one else’s ideas.

    • I’d actu­al­ly stolen that line (some­what para­phrased) from an entry I wrote a year and a half ago, and I was hop­ing no one would notice.

      Probably no one did.

  2. I know this is prob­a­bly some­thing you don’t want to hear, but I think being alone this much may not be so great for you. 

    Glad to see that you took trips a lit­tle fur­ther down the line. Sometimes we don’t know our soul’s need for refresh­ment is as great as it is.

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