la petite mort

I’ve been spending too much time around friends and fallen heroes, staying up too late, running away from my thoughts, punishing my body, killing myself one day at a time. The exhaustion is numbing — exactly what I need — but I know I can’t keep this up forever. I used to lose a day here and there, think it’s Wednesday on a Thursday. Now I lose entire weeks. I’ve decided that it’s all okay as long as shit gets done.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling trapped. I’m too busy to see past things as they are right now, a victim of my own self-distraction, so it feels like I’ll be here forever, stuck in this endless loop of healing and heartbreak.

I’m still trying to find that delicate balance between accepting myself (which risks complacency) and striving to improve (and the constant dissatisfaction). At the very least, I’ve come to the realization that there’s a difference between the things that happen to us and the way we react or deal with them, and since you have no say in the former, all you can do is improve the latter.

Sometimes you have to die a little inside to figure that out.

3 comments

  1. “killing myself one day at a time” <– this is the central lyric in a song I started writing like ten years ago, but never got far enough to show anyone. it pops into my head a lot, though, when I feel the way it's intended to describe.

    really interesting to see it surface in someone else's ideas.

    • I’d actually stolen that line (somewhat paraphrased) from an entry I wrote a year and a half ago, and I was hoping no one would notice.

      Probably no one did.

  2. I know this is probably something you don’t want to hear, but I think being alone this much may not be so great for you.

    Glad to see that you took trips a little further down the line. Sometimes we don’t know our soul’s need for refreshment is as great as it is.

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