New developments have left me with much to say. My mind feels like it’s going 80 thoughts per minute. Chaos proves to be a useful writing tool. For now, rest.
Posts in category "Daily Life"
Broke Down At Work Today
I haven’t cried in a while, and I think it was just building up, which would explain why I felt so much better afterward.
I just kept working. One can be sad, stressed, worried, even to the point of tears, and carry on with the rest of daily life. Crying is just a physical reflex of a state-of-mind.
Two people may have noticed, but neither of them said anything.
Thank god I don’t have to deal with the bullshit of hiding this from someone.
The Second Introduction, Part 2.5
Sometimes I think I see the letters on my desk rattling to the bass, but when I look, the letters are still. I suspect that my eyes are twitching.
It was a heavy day. I’m too scrambled inside to eat. I know I’ll be hungry first thing in the morning.
“Malice”, he used. Not great, but good, and certainly more than I deserve. I’m still paranoid.
Through everything else, someone is testing me. Testing my new found serenity. Testing the very thing that I’ve been fighting against, for the last few years. The only person who can bring me to a desire for physical manifestation of my raging frustration (aside from people who smoke around babies). On the bus, I uncontrollably pictured wrapping my fingers around her neck, and strangling her. I know that that’s bad. Sometimes my own thoughts scare me. I’m not a violent person.
The world is a twisted, twisted one-act.
I Tell Myself A Mortgage Is A Loan
I thought I knew what to expect financially in owning a home. I was ready for mortgage payments, lawyers fees, gas bills, title insurance, land transfer tax (which is a separate payment from the name change fee), and any other random thing that may cost me money.
What I wasn’t ready for was the rapacious urge to purchase things. Things that cover windows, things that illuminate the corners of rooms. Things that go in houses, things that look nice. Things to play, things that organize other things.
So I spent some money. Got the living/dining room and two bedrooms professionally painted. Bought a 53″ Widescreen HDTV Projection TV. Of course, I needed a progressive scan DVD player to go with it (as well as composite cables for that and the Gamecube, which cost more than the DVD player itself). I even bought four games — Paper Mario, Viewtiful Joe 2, Timesplitters: Future Perfect, and Pikmin 2 — so that I could take advantage of widescreen and progressive scan support. There were also a few costly trips to Ikea, Homesense, Home Depot for things like tables, bowls, king sized pillows, and Egyptian cotton pillowcases.
I’m in debt for the first (and hopefully last) time in my life. I was up to seven grand at one point, but the smaller part of it (all on credit cards) was paid-off with the help of my last paycheque, and the larger half happens to be interest-free. I have to mention, though, that a significant portion of what’s left has been reduced, to the generosity of my parents. $2000 of it was towards a set of custom-sized mirrored closet doors to be installed in my room and in the coat closet, and they decided to pay for them as a housewarming gift. Pat also got me a barbecue that fits perfectly on my back patio, along with cover, cooking utensils, and wire-string brush.
My goal is to pay off the debt as soon as I can, and start putting 10% of my pay into a high-interest savings account. I’d also like to save 2% of my annual salary for house repairs and upkeep, while looking into higher RRSP contributions and possibly an extra mortgage payment by the end of the year.
This’ll be hard, however, because I’m itching for a new computer. I admit that I couldn’t help but take advantage of a great deal on Dell’s 19″ viewable flat panel monitors, so I bought two. Unfortunately, with a laptop, I can only use one for the time being. I’ve been looking at the new P4 Extreme Edition processors, which are dual core with hyper-threading on each that can simulate four processors. I’m trying to wait until the price drops a bit, seeing as how one of these costs as much as an entire new system. Normally I wouldn’t even consider spending so much on a CPU, but I can easily justify it with all the video encoding and photo manipulation I’ve been doing lately. I’ll probably be able to afford one by the time they become reasonably priced.
Weightless Notebook
I’m at the point now where I don’t need to carry around a notebook to keep track of the subjects and ideas I want to write about later. There are so many things to say that I only end up remembering the important ones anyway. It’s like a subconscious way of filtering out the things that aren’t worth mentioning.
A good feeling. As if life never ceases to be interesting, and there’s always something to experience, to learn, and to tell.

