Monthly Archives: February 2012

don’t let the past remind us of what we are not now

It’s been another crazy week. Between the appointments and the hangouts, I haven’t had a night to myself.

One thing I wish I had more time to appreciate is the weather. The most recent blizzard draped the city in snow wet and heavy, and all I want to do now is go out and shoot with a nice piece of glass that goes wider than f/2.8. I keep promising myself I’ll do it next snowfall, but life always seems to get in the way.

baby playing peekaboo

The overstimulation has left me with my guard down, and I’m stuck in my memories again. Left remembering old conversations, nights lost to the senses, and my regret at not mentioning how much I liked those nails done up in white and nude.

It’s not my fault. Honest. I get pulled into it in the most innocent ways. That song will come over the tinny speakers in the produce department when I’m picking out tomatoes. Or I’ll be on the 12 home, going through random songs in my collection to try out my new monitors, when I catch someone sharing what I always saved for us.

I’m starting to understand how helpless I am to change the past, but at the very least, I can change myself. And that’s often good enough nowadays.

Sometimes I hate the word love

cause you speak of it like it’s the answer, when you define yourself by your singledom. It’s a status you try to wear proudly, but how much you talk about your ideal mate only reveals how much you hate being alone.

What you’re looking for is hard to find. That’s your excuse. But your “high standards” are defined by the most petty things, and all those petty things keep holding you back, a hypocrisy that makes you the victim. That’s why your life is filled with part 1s and never any part 2s. Then you talk as if we should be shocked that you’re single, vulnerable, and lonely.

You think love is something one does, instead of something one means. You can see the beauty in a gift, but not the thought behind it. Then you pass off your ideas on love as wisdom and advice, when they’re simply the things you want, cause you don’t have the wisdom to know what you actually need to be in a successful relationship.

It’s the most shallow form of love possible. That’s why I hate the word. Not cause of the way you define it — I don’t judge anyone by their definition of happiness — but because you think it means the same thing I do every time you use it.

And I want to tear it from your throat.

moments between cities

The drive home is always easier. Not because I’m leaving, but because it’s when I can catch my breath after some relentless debauchery I excuse as being for a special occasion.

I’m at an age where my body will feel this over the next two days, spent recovering physically and emotionally. Luckily, exhaustion numbs the senses, and makes the time pass quicker on those long stretches where distance is measured in hours.

driving at night sepia

Cousins, British humour, heartbreak, shots, gluttony, rumble strips, but never enough time.

The 401 is the kind of highway that Springsteen used to write about on his heartland folk albums, the only ones I ever liked. The songs were never about a road itself, but about all the lust and hate and change that happened between two people when they travelled along that road.

In the same way, driving the 401 has always been when I have a chance to find myself. It often leaves me feeling like a different person when I get to where I’m going.

wrapped in chords

Context. It’s 19°C in the house. I keep an electric heating pad under my hoodie, the guitar is slung around my body, and my headphones are connected to the computer. I’m wrapped in chords, with a winter scene perpetually outside my window.

I know this won’t last forever, so I’m indulging in these little rituals. Trying to enjoy all the little things I started taking for granted, like car rides at night when the roads are clear and the car is warm. I’ve lost myself in the shuffle. I know I need to recentre myself, but I’m waiting for things to settle down first.

There’s so much I don’t say to my friends. Not because I don’t trust them, but because my news never feels important enough to bring up. It’s stuff they stopped talking about years ago, cause they’ve moved on from this part of their lives. Well I’m still here, hoping everything’s going to work out in the end.

Magic: The Gathering prize

Martial Coup: Put X 1/1 white Soldier creature tokens onto the battlefield. If X is 5 or more, destroy all other creatures, and win a box, a booster, a pack of nice lands.

I realized that I don’t spend that much time with my core group anymore, but I do hang out with a revolving group of friends. It seems like there’s always another person to catch up with, another meal to share, another night of gaming with the guys. It’s keeping me occupied, for which I’m thankful lately.

Otherwise, I’ve been thinking a little bit about the past and a lot about the future. Trying to picture where I’m going to end up, but it’s never something I can figure out.