The vet’s office called this morning to tell me Leonard didn’t make it through the night.
I’ve been bawling randomly since. Uncontrollably1. I haven’t cried like this since I was a kid. I suppose it’s the shock. I always expected Dolly to be the one to go first, and not for many years at that. I know I’ll be alright, I just need time. It was such a big decision to adopt another cat, and I jumped on it cause I wanted one so badly, and I made all the preparations, and nursed him back to health so many times, and now he’s gone so suddenly.
____’s been talking some sense into me. I blamed myself for not going to the vet sooner; maybe there’s something he could have done, maybe being on an IV earlier would given him the strength to recover. But I did what I thought was best at the time, and there are countless maybes in life, and there’s no way of knowing why he died because the tests weren’t finished. It could have been something congenital, which seems likely considering he was sick most of the time.
I wish he could have died with me though, instead of alone in an animal hospital. I wonder if he died because he was stressed from being away from home. On his last night here, he crawled up from under the bed to sleep on me as soon as I got under the covers, and I’m glad I appreciated it when it happened.
The vet’s office asked what I wanted to do with the remains. I’ve been given the option for cremation, or I can take the body home to bury. I never considered any of this until now; I’ll definitely be going with cremation, but I won’t be taking the ashes because they aren’t warm and cuddly.
I know this is better than some long, drawn out suffering, through pain or medical procedures, but it still doesn’t make it easier. I take comfort in the fact that I was able to give him a happy life, as short as it was.
Before I settled on Leonard, I was calling him “little buddy”, and that kind of stuck. I’d always say, “Hey little buddy”, when I saw him. His head would perk up, and he’d chirp and get up to nuzzle me.
So goodbye, little buddy. I wish I could have held you one last time if I knew it was the last time I was going to see you. I wish I could have known you when you were older. I wish you were around longer, cause I still had so much more love for you.
- I’m so glad I work from home. [↩]